COMMUNITY
JEWFRO
RED urn
The Things I
Learned In 5774 ...
n 5774, it was a very good year. It
was a very good year for repair-
ing the world and Detroit hustling
harder. In spite of the premature
nostalgia for the 5750s and the way
I wrote 5773 on my checks well into
the year, I feel exceedingly grateful
for the things I learned along the
way. Here are a few:
1.In many cultures, rain is a sym-
bol for cleansing and new begin-
nings. In no cultures (that I am aware
of) is untreated waste
water a symbol for cleans-
ing and new beginnings.
2. An acronym is
pronounceable (JARC).
Otherwise, it's an initialism
(JFS).
3. When creating a pup-
pet, the puppeteer applies
personality traits to it very
early in the process.
4. Kindergarten is a big-
ger transition for the par-
ents of the kindergartener
than the kindergartener
himself.
5. If you swear in front of your kids,
they will swear in front of you. And
the same lack of impulse control
that led you to swear in the first
place will probably lead you to laugh
uncontrollably. Which will only make
matters worse. Or better.
6. It takes a village to raise my
children.
7. Voting in primaries is important.
8. The best way to ensure extreme
winter weather is to cancel your
snow-plow service.
9. Extreme winter weather does
not mean the Earth is not warming.
10. Israel is hard to talk about.
11. You don't appreciate 1-96 until
it's gone.
12. We don't need to widen 1-94.
13.1-76, which runs through Phila-
delphia, was not actually named to
honor the signing of the Declaration
of Independence.
14. For that matter, August Wood-
ward claimed that he did not name
Woodward after himself but because
it ran toward the woods.
15. The best cuisine in Detroit is
Thai food served out of a truck. You
can find Katoi most nights at Two
James Distillery on Michigan Avenue
in Corktown.
16. Some people want to find
out the gender of their baby before
it is born and you shouldn't judge
magazine
I
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them, even though they are depriv-
ing themselves of life's last great
surprise.
17.The best thing you can do as
a wedding attendee is make the
happy couple feel like their wedding
is really special. That and stick to the
registry.
18. Detroit has exported
a lot of talent. Detroit has
also imported a lot of tal-
ent. We need to be open to
both to build the strongest
possible community.
19. Similarly, at a certain
point you can't buy new
clothes without giving
away some of your current
clothes.
20. No one deserves
Spirit Airlines.
21. The key to develop-
ing community partner-
ships — or any partnerships, for that
matter — is setting and managing
expectations.
22. Livernois is teeming with
potential.
23. All drivers in Michigan should
check the box for the $11 Recreation
Passport when they renew their
plates.
24. And the organ donor box
when they renew their licenses.
25. There are other phones
besides iPhones.
26. It is going to be hard to ex-
plain to our grandkids why there was
a time when two people could be
prevented from marrying each other
based on their gender.
27. I am not nostalgic for video
cassettes.
28. Think twice before stopping
on the expressway to save a duck-
ling. If you must, make sure you pull
all the way over onto the shoulder
and that you are wearing proper
footwear. Once you have the duck-
ling in the car, be prepared for it to
poop on your floor mats. If you bring
the duckling to a children's concert,
it will be very popular and you can
pretend that you are the one that
is very popular. Until it can fly, the
duckling can cohabitate harmoni-
ously with baby chicks. Then you
must set it free.
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RED mum I October 2014 65