COMMUNITY
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Dear Debra
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ELLA
ZAHLAN
INTRODUCING THE
SPRING/SUMMER
11
4*
722 N. OLD WOODIVAR4. AVE.
2015
COLLECTION
I BIRMINGHAM MI 1 48009 1 248.723.4300 1 ROMASPOSA.COM
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WEDDINGS I SHOWERS I CORPORATE EVENTS
The Elm Room Banquet & Event Space
Accommodates up to 150 guests
events@thebirdandthebread.com
Located behind The Bird & The Bread
210 South Old Woodward, Birmingham
theelmroom.com
947160
66 October 2014 I
RD READ
Dear Debra,
Every couple of years
we have a family por-
trait: my husband and
Debra Darvick
I, our three children
and their children and now, our grand-
children's spouses. We do the whole she-
bang — a beautiful setting, coordinated
outfits, professional photographer.
This year will be the first time our new-
est granddaughter-in-law will partici-
pate. She has what they call nowadays
"sleeves" (tattoos up and down both
arms). She is a lovely girl — smart,
good-looking, not a prima donna. But
those tattoos will ruin the family photo
the same way they did all the family
photos from my grandson's wedding.
Short of having the photographer try
to position her so her arms are covered
by other family members, what else can
I do?
— Camera Shy Grandma
Dear Grandma,
Alas, you are not camera shy. You are
tattoo-phobic, a modern malady af-
fecting many of your generation (and
truth be told, some of mine). Here's
the deal:The tats are here to stay,
and so, hopefully, is your lovely new,
smart, not-a-prima-donna grand-
daughter-in-law. Be grateful for the
big things.
Think twice about asking the pho-
tographer to position your grandson's
wife to obstruct the tattoos. S/He may
very well have tats, too, and you don't
want to start off a photo session with
an inadvertent insult.
If the tradition is to wear planned
outfits such as jeans or khakis and a
coordinating shirt, why not gift each
family member with your pre-selected
choice of one of three long-sleeved
shirts?
The deeper issue, however, is
your problem with your new family
member's tattoos and, Grandma, you
are just going to have to suck it up
and move past the ink. You have likely,
maybe even accidentally-on-purpose,
transmitted your feelings already by
referring to"ruined"wedding photos.
Hopefully, you haven't let those feel-
ings prevent you from ordering your
photo album or framing any stills.
Challenging as it might be, don't
let the sleeves unravel what has the
potential to be a lovely relationship.
Who knows? One day your grand-
daughter-in-law may voice regrets
over her tattoos. If you've developed
loving rapport, you can be ready with
a heartfelt offer to help pay for their
removal.
Happy Healthy New Year!!
th
ot a burning question? Need some advice? Send your
questions to deardebra@renmedia.us and look for an
answer in next month's issue.
Dear Debra,
I now have the son of a close friend in
my class. When I saw his name on my
class list, I didn't imagine any conflicts,
as he is very bright and engaging boy.
Despite the time our families have spent
together, I never realized what a bully he
can be around other children his age.
When we were out to dinner recently,
I tried gently mentioning to my friend
some of his less-obnoxious behaviors.
She brushed off my concerns by saying
any issues he might have are because he
is so bright and needs to be challenged
better. I didn't appreciate the not-so- be-
tween-the-lines accusation that I am not
meeting her son's academic needs. Ad-
mittedly it's early in the year and I know
that kids' social skills can mature, but if
things don't get better, lam at a loss as
to how to handle this come conference
time without jeopardizing our friendship.
My teacher's gut tells me this boy needs
more than gentle coaching in classroom
behavior.
— Torn Teacher
Dear Torn,
That you are friends with the boy's
mother colored your role as his teach-
er, especially because you broached
his behavior in a social setting. Who
wants her child's shortcomings dis-
cussed over pad thai? Perhaps that's
why she brushed off your concerns
with a comment about his need to
be better challenged. She might not
have meant to cast your professional
abilities into doubt at all. If your gut is
telling you more obnoxious behaviors
are in the offing, be prepared to dis-
cuss your observations at conferences
or even earlier if things are really out
of hand.
Come at this as you would with any
parent, from a place of concern and
a desire to help the student better
adjust to classroom dynamics. Keep all
discussions within your professional
realm. Does your school have a social
worker on staff? Perhaps involve him/
her for pointers on how to handle the
boy. If other teachers have similar dif-
ficulties, the boy's struggles won't be
news to the social worker.
You may not be able to save the
relationship if your friend doesn't want
to face some uncomfortable truths
about her child. It's always sad to lose
a friendship — sadder still to allow a
child's anti-social behaviors to disrupt
not only classroom life but his own
over time.
Debra Darvick shares her unique take on life, books
and more at debradarvick.com .
www.redthreadmagazine.com