COMMUNITY
THE GINA MONOLOGUES
CULINARY QUICKSTEP
Gina's Guide to Your Dilemma-Free
Thanksgiving Day Holiday Meal
Sage, Walnut and
Dried Fig Stuffing
A reference manual to avert common disasters.
Here's an S.A.T. question for you:Thanksgiving is
to like love is to marriage? You're right
if you guessed stuffing, the requisite sidedish with
turkey. Thus, Red Thread thought it wise to offer up
a sweet and savory twist to the American classic. To
keep it parve, just swap out the butter for marga-
rine°. (°We prefer Earth's Balance, which is healthier.)
By Gina Volpe
Ft's your stomach's favorite secular holiday where hedonism is on the menu. With all that pie for your pie
hole and couch time for your big belly, what could go wrong? Nothing, provided you have Gina's Thanksgiving
L quick reference guide to help you navigate a few common pitfalls the Pilgrims didn't anticipate.
AVOID THE IRON MAIDEN
Most civilized people agree that the
most dreaded sentence in the English
language to hear is either, "It's cancer"
or"Let's go around the table and say
what we're thankful for"
The former is a given, and the latter's
utterance is the verbal equivalent of
being slammed inside an Iron Maiden.
(Which might be more pleasant if you
don't have your answers at the ready.)
If you're like me, you're sick of hearing
your family yell,"B0000!" each time you
freeze, stop yourself from fainting and
then stammer, "Um, dogs?" or"Men with
full heads of hair!"
This year, there's no need to fear be-
cause I've developed a foolproof list for
you: 1) gyms with no windows; 2) Andy
Rooney's retirement; 3) Pepto Bis-
mol; 4) Rite Aid's 2/$5 wine "spe-
cial"; 5) The end of the
Latin music craze; 6) Not
being Lindsay Lohan;
7) indoor plumbing; 8)
that video of Kimberly
Stewart falling off a
motorcycle on a red
carpet; 9) deodorant;
and 10) elastic-waist
pants.
DECOMMISSIONING
DRUNK UNCLE LENNY
Whether he goes by Lenny,
Sam or Harvey, it's a (near) fact
that every family has at least
one old duffer who
drinks an offensively
tremendous amount
of booze, potentially
smells"off,"and embar-
rasses or generally
annoys everybody else.
Nothing spoils the anticipation of
delicious sweet potato pie like Drunk
Uncle Lenny serenading the table with
"La Cucaracha," while using his cane as a
microphone.
So how do you solve the problem of
drunken Uncle Lenny and enjoy your
pie in peace? Let Lenny's soft spot for
the sauce work to your advantage: Offer
him a cocktail; make it a stiff one, too.
Offer him another. Make it even stiffer.
Eventually, Drunk Uncle Lenny will
reach a catatonic state of snookered
where he has no choice but to be quiet
as his mouth can no longer form words.
And, as added value for the off chance
that Drunk Uncle Lenny tricked some
poor woman into marrying him, this
trick ensures she will enjoy some quiet
time, too.
BUTTONING YOUR
PANTS THE NEXT DAY
Doubling as Violet Beauregarde on
her way to the juicer in Willy Wonka is
fine when you're only rolling your way
from the dining room to the TV room,
but what about the next day when you
actually have to button your pants and
interact with the world?
You could force the pants shut and
make yourself uncomfortable, or you
could do what I do: Release the gut.
Why turn your jeans into sausage
casings when you could simply spend
the weekend with your pants undone,
masking your belly with an extra long
T-shirt?
Better yet, if you're a female, flow free
under a maxi dress.
(Yes, maxi dresses do
serve a purpose other
than ensuring men
won't hit on you.)
Treat your
engorged stomach
like something that
you truly love — set
it free. Should your
formerly trim tummy
return, great. If it
doesn't ... diet. _
Ingredients
1 large loaf/slab of herb
bread
1 cup fresh cranberries
1/2 cup unsweetened
apple juice
1 large onion, chopped
1 cup dried figs, finely
chopped
1 cup sugared walnuts
1 tablespoon fresh sage,
finely chopped
1 /4 cup unsalted butter,
melted
2 /3 cup vegetable stock
1/2 teaspoon fine-grain
sea salt
freshly ground black
pepper
Directions
Preheat oven to 375 degrees. Cut the bread into
half-inch cubes. Shoot for 6-7 cups of cubed bread.
Set aside in a large bowl.
Put the cranberries in a small saucepan with 1/4
cup of the apple juice and bring to a boil. Reduce '
to a simmer and cook until cranberries start
to pop and split. Cook a minute beyond
that and drain the cranberries, discard-
ing the cooked apple juice. Add the
cranberries to the bread, along with
the onion, figs, sugared walnuts
/
and sage.
In that same small sauce-
pan, over medium heat, whisk I
together the remaining ( 1/4 cup)
apple juice, butter and stock.
Toss the bread (don't over mix or \
it could go to mush) and bake,
covered, in a casserole dish at 375
degrees for 50 minutes; or stuff
whatever it is you are going to stuff.
Yield: About 6 cups
— By Red Thread Staff
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