ETCETERA
NIGHTCAP
The Rebbetz-man or:
How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Kichel
A rabbi's husband reflects on the obligations he has to his wife's flock.
By Dan Shere
hen my wife became a rabbi, she had
to master important skills like com-
forting mourners and keeping the at-
tention of restless Hebrew school students.
As the rabbi's husband, I had to master but
one skill: answering the question, "What
should I call you?"
Because I don't wear blouses and long
skirts, rebbetzin — the traditional name for
a rabbi's wife — is out. Rebbetzer sounds
like a German industrial techno band, and
rebbetz-man is cute but too gimmicky. So,
normally I tell people to just call me"Dan,"
which is boring but accurate.
Several times I've run into congregants
who have (accidentally?) introduced me to
their friends as "the rabbi's wife:' Previously,
I defused that potentially awkward situation
by responding with, "Because I'm still pre-
op, just call me the rabbi's husband until
everything's, you know, official."
This seemed to just make things more
awkward. Now I just smile and nod; a good
skill to have when you're married to a rabbi
— or to anyone, for that matter.
What to be "called;' as the rabbi's hus-
band, is a small matter compared to actually
"being"the rabbi's husband. To be clear, the
people at my wife's synagogue have been
nothing but wonderful to my family and
me. But there still are unique pressures that
come with being a rabbi's spouse.
Think about it. When you marry a dentist,
his clients don't start calling you "dentist-
W
ress"and expect you to invite them to your
home for noodle kugel on Shabbat —
which is exactly my point. I don't know how
to make noodle kugel, although I'm pretty
sure it involves noodles.
I do, in fact, know how to make cholent
(Shabbat stew), so that's a start. What about
all the things that a "real" rebbetzin is sup-
posed to do?
A real rebbetzin remembers every con-
gregant's name and has an encyclopedic
knowledge of each illness, pending surgery
and upcoming wedding in said congre-
gant's family. I have a hard time remember-
ing the names of my three boys.
Also, in an effort to be nice, I once wished
a hearty"Mazel tov!"to a woman I thought
was the mother of that day's bar mitzvah
boy. It turns out she was in synagogue
to say Kaddish for her recently deceased
father.
A real rebbetzin dresses smartly to all
synagogue events and has immaculate
manners. I own a total of one suit that no
longer fits because I bought it optimistically
after losing 35 pounds — half of which I
immediately regained.
Also, I've been told that I occasionally
chew with my mouth open, although only
when I'm eating.
A real rebbetzin makes sure that her
children are always well dressed and well
mannered in synagogue. I once brought
my son to synagogue in a shirt that my wife
later informed me
was a pajama top.
(Apparently, the picture
I try to be the
of Bob the Builder on the front
best screenwriter, fa-
was the tip-off).
ther and husband I can
At Kiddush, when they're not
be — and, with the few
scarfing down obscene amounts of
brain cells I have left, I
seven layer cake, my kids can usu-
try to be a supportive
ally be found tugging on my wife's
rebbetz-man. Though
sleeve and whining at top volume
I give it my all, I'm sure
while she tries to counsel a teary-
there are times when
eyed congregant. Meanwhile, I
my wife wishes I would
can be found at the other end of
do more.
the social hall, drinking schnapps
But there are also
and stuffing my face with kichel
moments when I see
(cookies).
my wife bringing
My situation as the rabbi's
comfort to those who
husband may be unusual, but it's
are dying, strength
hardly unique. Today, women are
to marriages that are
doctors, lawyers — yes, even rab-
failing and wisdom to
bis — and we, the hubbies of such
those who are seeking
high-powered ladies, are struggling
it; and, in those mo-
with the balancing act that has
ments, I know what
become modern marriage.
you should call me —
Our generation was raised to
proud. R
believe we could have it all:
two fulfilling careers, well-ad-
justed children and healthy
DAN SHERE is an
marriages. We all strive for a
Dan Shere
award-winning screen-
balance that makes everyone
writer who has written
happy, or at least settle for
screenplays for Fox,
one that leaves everyone
Warner Bros., DreamWorks and others. His wife, Rachel
equally unhappy. And even when it works,
Lawson Shere, is a rabbi at Adat Shalom Synagogue in
the balancing act can still be exhausting.
Farmington Hills.
-
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22 January 2011 I RED HIM
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www.redthreadmagazine.com