ETCETERA NIGHTCAP The Rebbetz-man or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Kichel A rabbi's husband reflects on the obligations he has to his wife's flock. By Dan Shere hen my wife became a rabbi, she had to master important skills like com- forting mourners and keeping the at- tention of restless Hebrew school students. As the rabbi's husband, I had to master but one skill: answering the question, "What should I call you?" Because I don't wear blouses and long skirts, rebbetzin — the traditional name for a rabbi's wife — is out. Rebbetzer sounds like a German industrial techno band, and rebbetz-man is cute but too gimmicky. So, normally I tell people to just call me"Dan," which is boring but accurate. Several times I've run into congregants who have (accidentally?) introduced me to their friends as "the rabbi's wife:' Previously, I defused that potentially awkward situation by responding with, "Because I'm still pre- op, just call me the rabbi's husband until everything's, you know, official." This seemed to just make things more awkward. Now I just smile and nod; a good skill to have when you're married to a rabbi — or to anyone, for that matter. What to be "called;' as the rabbi's hus- band, is a small matter compared to actually "being"the rabbi's husband. To be clear, the people at my wife's synagogue have been nothing but wonderful to my family and me. But there still are unique pressures that come with being a rabbi's spouse. Think about it. When you marry a dentist, his clients don't start calling you "dentist- W ress"and expect you to invite them to your home for noodle kugel on Shabbat — which is exactly my point. I don't know how to make noodle kugel, although I'm pretty sure it involves noodles. I do, in fact, know how to make cholent (Shabbat stew), so that's a start. What about all the things that a "real" rebbetzin is sup- posed to do? A real rebbetzin remembers every con- gregant's name and has an encyclopedic knowledge of each illness, pending surgery and upcoming wedding in said congre- gant's family. I have a hard time remember- ing the names of my three boys. Also, in an effort to be nice, I once wished a hearty"Mazel tov!"to a woman I thought was the mother of that day's bar mitzvah boy. It turns out she was in synagogue to say Kaddish for her recently deceased father. A real rebbetzin dresses smartly to all synagogue events and has immaculate manners. I own a total of one suit that no longer fits because I bought it optimistically after losing 35 pounds — half of which I immediately regained. Also, I've been told that I occasionally chew with my mouth open, although only when I'm eating. A real rebbetzin makes sure that her children are always well dressed and well mannered in synagogue. I once brought my son to synagogue in a shirt that my wife later informed me was a pajama top. (Apparently, the picture I try to be the of Bob the Builder on the front best screenwriter, fa- was the tip-off). ther and husband I can At Kiddush, when they're not be — and, with the few scarfing down obscene amounts of brain cells I have left, I seven layer cake, my kids can usu- try to be a supportive ally be found tugging on my wife's rebbetz-man. Though sleeve and whining at top volume I give it my all, I'm sure while she tries to counsel a teary- there are times when eyed congregant. Meanwhile, I my wife wishes I would can be found at the other end of do more. the social hall, drinking schnapps But there are also and stuffing my face with kichel moments when I see (cookies). my wife bringing My situation as the rabbi's comfort to those who husband may be unusual, but it's are dying, strength hardly unique. Today, women are to marriages that are doctors, lawyers — yes, even rab- failing and wisdom to bis — and we, the hubbies of such those who are seeking high-powered ladies, are struggling it; and, in those mo- with the balancing act that has ments, I know what become modern marriage. you should call me — Our generation was raised to proud. R believe we could have it all: two fulfilling careers, well-ad- justed children and healthy DAN SHERE is an marriages. We all strive for a Dan Shere award-winning screen- balance that makes everyone writer who has written happy, or at least settle for screenplays for Fox, one that leaves everyone Warner Bros., DreamWorks and others. His wife, Rachel equally unhappy. And even when it works, Lawson Shere, is a rabbi at Adat Shalom Synagogue in the balancing act can still be exhausting. Farmington Hills. - .‘„.45+,- ,. 144,4,4 %Wks'. hire.p;cc,i •kwalVe kftAr. 4,344,:.. Ne/WYeet 4f 1-lealaadtroitvP We can help... With Busch's color-coded item attributes, eating healthier has never been easier! EDEN SNACKS DRY ROAST PUMPKIN SEEDS 4 OZ 1 0111111111111111114111 1035 0 3A02 3 9 6 $3 8:4 1200000 a 1; MUM HIGH FIBER YOUR FRIENDS AND FAMILY NO CHOLESTEROL ORGANIC I bUSCH'S 91 6W a Y In our stores, look for attributes on the shelf tags, or online through Busch's MyWay when creating a shopping list or online order. 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