METRO NATIONWIDE
"If you're dealing with
tolerant parents and tolerant
kids, they're usually able to
make accommodations for
one another."
— Rabbi Eli?nelech Silberberg
"We live in a society
where secular Jews
and religious Jews are
worlds apart," Silber-
berg says. "They each
have a totally different
mindset, belief system
and goals. A religious
person's primary goal is
to serve God."
Rabbi Silberberg, who
came to Michigan in
1975 as a shaliach (em-
issary) of the Lubavitch-
er Rebbe (the leader of
the Lubavitch move-
ment who died in 1994),
says he encounters this
issue on a regular basis.
But he disagrees that becoming more
observant changes people.
"Most people who becomefrum (ob-
servant) don't change their personality.
They're the same people," Rabbi Sil-
berberg says. "The good people remain
good people; the tough people remain
tough people. Very few people change
internally because of religion:'
He believes the real problem has
more to do with extremism in either
Rabbi Silberberg
concedes there are
significant obstacles
to overcome when
it comes to keeping
kosher and observing
Shabbat and Jewish
holidays, but he says
there are ways to work
around those issues.
On the other hand, he
points out there's little
or no room for com-
promise when a Jewish
family member marries
someone who's non-
Jewish. An Orthodox
Jew would not be able
to attend the wedding,
even if his or her brother or sister was
the one getting married.
"There are certain issues that can
divide a family," he says. "Intermar-
riage is close to 50 percent. If there's
anything that rips families apart, it's
this issue:'
Ultimately, Rabbi Silberberg believes
the individual personalities involved
and the underlying relationship be-
tween family members will determine
direction.
"The Rambam [the medieval Jewish
what happens when a child chooses
a more religious path than the rest of
philosopher Moses ben Maimon, also
called Maimonides] tells us about
the 'golden path' — a path that shuns
any extreme," he says. "We encourage
people to try to make shalom, to try to
have peace, but a lot of parents make
it very difficult. You also have certain
kids who become religious, and they
can also at times be very obnoxious.
If you're dealing with tolerant parents
and tolerant kids, they're usually able
to make accommodations for one
another."
his/her family.
"In a family where there is true
togetherness, sensitivity or unity, they
can usually work things out," he says.
"I contend that in families where
there's a close connection before some-
one becomes frum, they will continue
to be close after the person becomes
frum." ERT
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EDITOR'S NOTE: Author ill Rosenfeld is starting
a blog for parents of religious children. You can learn
more on her website: readbj.com
Turning Frum Other Perspectives
:ntaine- Ca
She describes it as a gradual change that took place over several years. A young
woman from West Bloomfield, now 27, who asked to remain anonymous, says she
was not raised in a kosher home (she grew up eating bacon), but being Jewish
was always very important to her.
She was a Tamarack camper and a member of the B'nai B'rith Youth Organiza-
tion (BBYO). She attended Michigan State University, where she had non-Jewish
roommates. But, today, she's Orthodox and shomer Shabbos (a person who
observes the commandments associated with Shabbat). Her parents are not. It's
something she says she never imagined.
"I didn't plan to lead such a traditional lifestyle, but I'm very happy with where
I landed and the choices I've made," she says."I imagine that every parent has
dreams and hopes for their children, and this was never in my parents' dreams for
me. I can definitely appreciate how difficult it is for parents."
She says the hardest part of becoming frum (observant) for her was the fear of
letting her parents down.They, in turn, were afraid of losing their only daughter,
she recalls.
"They were disappointed. I think they thought all of these restrictions would
come between us," she says. "But because I'm so sensitive and because I was so
afraid my relationship with my parents would change, I fought really hard to make
sure it wouldn't. I'm extremely lucky. We've found a way to make things work with
compromise, love and mutual respect."
So what would lead a young person to make such a dramatic lifestyle change?
Therapist Dr. Paula Jorne, with the Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy (she is Jew-
ish and has Orthodox clients), explains it this way:
"[Orthodoxy] provides safety, community and parenting. [People] can be at-
tracted to a group if the group consistently looks like it's going to provide safety
and answer their questions or fears about whether they'll live their lives correctly
or whether or not they have any power;' she says.
"This happens in all religions — Catholic children, Muslim children, too. Chil-
dren either leave the faith or become more entrenched in the faith, and it can
be very difficult for families. In order to make a change like this, there has to be a
wish to be taken care of or a wish to find a way that's protective."
— Robin Schwartz
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RED TAU January 2011 21