METRO NATIONWIDE "If you're dealing with tolerant parents and tolerant kids, they're usually able to make accommodations for one another." — Rabbi Eli?nelech Silberberg "We live in a society where secular Jews and religious Jews are worlds apart," Silber- berg says. "They each have a totally different mindset, belief system and goals. A religious person's primary goal is to serve God." Rabbi Silberberg, who came to Michigan in 1975 as a shaliach (em- issary) of the Lubavitch- er Rebbe (the leader of the Lubavitch move- ment who died in 1994), says he encounters this issue on a regular basis. But he disagrees that becoming more observant changes people. "Most people who becomefrum (ob- servant) don't change their personality. They're the same people," Rabbi Sil- berberg says. "The good people remain good people; the tough people remain tough people. Very few people change internally because of religion:' He believes the real problem has more to do with extremism in either Rabbi Silberberg concedes there are significant obstacles to overcome when it comes to keeping kosher and observing Shabbat and Jewish holidays, but he says there are ways to work around those issues. On the other hand, he points out there's little or no room for com- promise when a Jewish family member marries someone who's non- Jewish. An Orthodox Jew would not be able to attend the wedding, even if his or her brother or sister was the one getting married. "There are certain issues that can divide a family," he says. "Intermar- riage is close to 50 percent. If there's anything that rips families apart, it's this issue:' Ultimately, Rabbi Silberberg believes the individual personalities involved and the underlying relationship be- tween family members will determine direction. "The Rambam [the medieval Jewish what happens when a child chooses a more religious path than the rest of philosopher Moses ben Maimon, also called Maimonides] tells us about the 'golden path' — a path that shuns any extreme," he says. "We encourage people to try to make shalom, to try to have peace, but a lot of parents make it very difficult. You also have certain kids who become religious, and they can also at times be very obnoxious. If you're dealing with tolerant parents and tolerant kids, they're usually able to make accommodations for one another." his/her family. "In a family where there is true togetherness, sensitivity or unity, they can usually work things out," he says. "I contend that in families where there's a close connection before some- one becomes frum, they will continue to be close after the person becomes frum." ERT 1 - 8 0 0 - 4 5 6 - 1 7 0 MC 1 For reservations anywhere in the US, just one call. EDITOR'S NOTE: Author ill Rosenfeld is starting a blog for parents of religious children. You can learn more on her website: readbj.com Turning Frum Other Perspectives :ntaine- Ca She describes it as a gradual change that took place over several years. A young woman from West Bloomfield, now 27, who asked to remain anonymous, says she was not raised in a kosher home (she grew up eating bacon), but being Jewish was always very important to her. She was a Tamarack camper and a member of the B'nai B'rith Youth Organiza- tion (BBYO). She attended Michigan State University, where she had non-Jewish roommates. But, today, she's Orthodox and shomer Shabbos (a person who observes the commandments associated with Shabbat). Her parents are not. It's something she says she never imagined. "I didn't plan to lead such a traditional lifestyle, but I'm very happy with where I landed and the choices I've made," she says."I imagine that every parent has dreams and hopes for their children, and this was never in my parents' dreams for me. I can definitely appreciate how difficult it is for parents." She says the hardest part of becoming frum (observant) for her was the fear of letting her parents down.They, in turn, were afraid of losing their only daughter, she recalls. "They were disappointed. I think they thought all of these restrictions would come between us," she says. "But because I'm so sensitive and because I was so afraid my relationship with my parents would change, I fought really hard to make sure it wouldn't. I'm extremely lucky. We've found a way to make things work with compromise, love and mutual respect." So what would lead a young person to make such a dramatic lifestyle change? Therapist Dr. Paula Jorne, with the Birmingham Maple Clinic in Troy (she is Jew- ish and has Orthodox clients), explains it this way: "[Orthodoxy] provides safety, community and parenting. [People] can be at- tracted to a group if the group consistently looks like it's going to provide safety and answer their questions or fears about whether they'll live their lives correctly or whether or not they have any power;' she says. "This happens in all religions — Catholic children, Muslim children, too. Chil- dren either leave the faith or become more entrenched in the faith, and it can be very difficult for families. In order to make a change like this, there has to be a wish to be taken care of or a wish to find a way that's protective." — Robin Schwartz MaryAnn Audette john Edwards Harvey Hortick Our Lineup includes CADILLAC, BUICK, AND GMC CONCIERGE SERVICE With Door To Door Pick Up For Your Convenience 4000 W. Highland Rd. Highland, MI 866-599-5883 www.thefamilydeal.corn www.redthreadmagazine.com RED TAU January 2011 21