111111111111111r- 'MEW 111111r
Happy & Healthy New Year!
Thank you for dining with us!
Jane 'say's advice about giving
advice to adult children: "The
don't want it. They don't hear it.
Don't give it."
In researching the book, Isay con-
ducted 75 interviews around the coun-
try, with members of both generations,
ages 25 to 70. To find her subjects,
she sent out queries through friends,
colleagues and friends of friends and
interviewed several of her former
classmates at Bryn Mawr. Her years
of editing have made her a skilled
listener, and she says that she could
usually tell when someone was being
less than truthful.
Before writing, she let the stories
"marinate," until she really felt in her
own body what the people she inter-
viewed were feeling.
In the book's epilogue, she writes
openly about her own family. A few
years ago, she was aware that to the
world, she and her two very successful
sons — David is a MacArthur award-
winning documentary radio producer
and founder of StoryCorps, and Josh
is a political consultant — looked
like they had an intimate and joyful
relationship, but she was wishing they
were closer. For a time, things were not
easy between them.
Her first marriage broke up after
25 years, and she is now married to
a man who was her first love. Fifteen
years into her first marriage, her hus-
band, a psychoanalyst, told her that
he was a homosexual; they decided to
stay married for the benefit of their
two young sons, and the marriage
lasted 10 additional years.
She learned later that their efforts
to hide their hollow marriage from
their sons was not helpful — the boys
sensed a hole in their family. In her
new marriage, she was feeling guilty
that she had less time for her sons.
But as they all began talking more
and speaking with honesty, she also
learned that her kids wanted to be
closer to her, and they all made con-
certed efforts to reconnect and achieve
the intimacy they once had.
Isay says that parents need to grow
along with their kids. She names the
single sentence that most opens up a
grown child: "I'm proud of you." For
parents, she says a life-changing sen-
tence is, "Hi Mom, how are you?" and
encourages conversations that don't
have an agenda.
It's no surprise to hear that money is
a difficult and divisive topic. Although
parents are supposed to talk about
sex with their teenagers, she says she
didn't know anyone who had the heart
to do it, and it's very tough to talk
about money with grown-ups.
Isay writes of parents who resent
their kids' requests for money, parents
who help out but do so with strings
attached and a father who takes back a
financial gift. She reminds parents that
they should understand that their kids
calculate, even if they don't, what they
give to each child, and suggests that
parents sit down with their adult chil-
dren and tell them about their money
and their plans and demystify things.
In discussing parallels between the
roles of parent and editor, she says, "A
good editor knows that a good author
is never going to do it my way. They're
going to listen and do it their way. A
good editor tries to help the author
find the areas within the book they're
passionate about and develop that. A
good parent offers kids opportunities
to explore their passions:'
When it comes to Jewish families,
she finds they take a lot of things more
seriously and are a lot more success
oriented, which can generate feelings
of disappointment. She also sees more
closeness and more expressions of
love, and expression in general, than in
less emotive cultures.
"But there are Jewish mothers in
every culture she notes. "Part of the
purpose of the book it to make the
relationships between generations less
tense, more relaxed, so that when we
get to need our children these gaps
will not be so troublesome."
Isay has started working on a
new book, also with a timely theme,
Unfinished Business: Staying Close to
Your Adult Siblings. She's looking for
interview subjects and asks that any-
one interested in sharing their story
contact her at janeisay.com .
Jane Isay is scheduled to speak
at this year's Jewish Book Fair,
11 a.m. Friday, Noy.16, at the
Jewish Community Center in
West Bloomfield.
JEREMY
Restaurant & Bar
www.jeremyrestaurantandbar.com
(248) 681-2124 • 1978 Cass Lake Rd. • Keego Harbor
Open for Dinner at 5:30 Tuesday-Sunday • Closed Monday
Restaurant of the Year, Detroit Free Press
Now taking reservations for
your Holiday parties!
•11.1PW
,
1011111111,r
7
Birmingham Area's
Newest & Best Deli
Now Taking Orders for
Break the Fast
order on line: wwwalsfamousdeli.com
248-549-FOOD (3663) • 32906 Woodward Ave.
(1 block south of 14 mile — East side of Woodward)
1304430
NOW TAKING HOLIDAY TRAY
ORDERS! 248.6263110
6879 Orchard Lake Rd. • On the Boardwalk
subscribe today
online or phone
JNonline.us •800.875.6621
September 13 2007
123