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THE GALLERY RESTAURANT
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4108 West Maple • Bloomfield Hills • (248) 626-2630
122
September 13 • 2007
Are your "adult children" home
for the holidays? Author offers tips
for shalom bayit.
he phrase "adult children" is
not an oxymoron. Rather, for
parents, this is an altogether
challenging stage, different from
teaching a child to read or manage
teen crises, and it's a stage that lasts
for decades — from the time that kids
first leave home until the time that
parents reach the point when they
need their children's help.
Not much has been written about
this territory, and Jane Isay explores
it with much insight in Walking on
Eggshells: Navigating the Delicate
Relationship Between Adult Children
and Parents (Doubleday; $23.95).
Isay, a 67-year-old retired publish-
ing executive who is the mother of two
sons, now 37 and 41, writes, "We're
the first generation to have raised our
children so permissively, and when
they became adults, we could not
call on our own experience as grown
children — because our parents had
raised us so differently.
"It's as if we awakened on a new
planet and everything was turned on
its head. The independence we worked
so hard to instill in our children now
feels to us like disinterest, and strong-
minded youngsters sometimes grow
into thoughtless adults!"
Over the last 10 or so years, as Isay
spoke to friends about her sons and her
sometimes strained relationships with
them, she came to see that many par-
ents felt vulnerabilities and pain when
it came to their own grown-up children,
yet they rarely talked about it. As an
editor, she saw the need for a book on
the subject, but never was able to match
a writer to the project. So now, in the
newest stage of her career, she decided
to write the book herself.
Walking on Eggshells is a weave of
compelling stories drawn from inter-
views and Isay's linking narrative.
Her advice about giving advice: "They
don't want it. They don't hear it. They
resent it. Don't give it!'
She adds, "Of course you give advice,
but while keeping in mind that criti-
cism, judgment and belittling sends
them away. The other thing is that
. , vigatizN
Dclit-Aic
1;c1c•VCCII
ChildVell and l'aretn.,
Isay conducted 75 interviews
around the country, with members
of both generations, ages 25-70.
they have the home-court advantage:
They're going to outlive us."
Isay retired in 2004 after a distin-
guished 40-year career in book pub-
lishing. She was the kind of editor who
got deeply engaged with her subjects
and authors.
While she edited a wide range of
nonfiction books, one of her specialty
areas was psychology. In the late 1960s
and '70s, she published pioneering
books by leading psychoanalysts and
child development experts at Yale.
During her tenure running Basic
Books, she edited Robert J. Litton's
classic, Nazi Doctors, and commis-
sioned Alice Miller to write The Drama
of the Gifted Child and Search for the
True Self, longtime bestsellers. She also
worked with Mary Pipher on Reviving
Ophelia and Melissa Fay Greene on
Praying for Sheetrock.
She comes from a psychology back-
ground and found that she developed
her own analytical and listening skills
as an editor.
Isay was born in Cincinnati, where
her father was a professor of pastoral
psychology at Hebrew Union College
and later became a psychiatrist. Her
mother, Rose Franzblau, wrote a col-
umn on human relations for the New
York Post for 25 years; she also hosted
one of the first call-in radio shows in
the 1960s.