111111111111111r- 'MEW 111111r Happy & Healthy New Year! Thank you for dining with us! Jane 'say's advice about giving advice to adult children: "The don't want it. They don't hear it. Don't give it." In researching the book, Isay con- ducted 75 interviews around the coun- try, with members of both generations, ages 25 to 70. To find her subjects, she sent out queries through friends, colleagues and friends of friends and interviewed several of her former classmates at Bryn Mawr. Her years of editing have made her a skilled listener, and she says that she could usually tell when someone was being less than truthful. Before writing, she let the stories "marinate," until she really felt in her own body what the people she inter- viewed were feeling. In the book's epilogue, she writes openly about her own family. A few years ago, she was aware that to the world, she and her two very successful sons — David is a MacArthur award- winning documentary radio producer and founder of StoryCorps, and Josh is a political consultant — looked like they had an intimate and joyful relationship, but she was wishing they were closer. For a time, things were not easy between them. Her first marriage broke up after 25 years, and she is now married to a man who was her first love. Fifteen years into her first marriage, her hus- band, a psychoanalyst, told her that he was a homosexual; they decided to stay married for the benefit of their two young sons, and the marriage lasted 10 additional years. She learned later that their efforts to hide their hollow marriage from their sons was not helpful — the boys sensed a hole in their family. In her new marriage, she was feeling guilty that she had less time for her sons. But as they all began talking more and speaking with honesty, she also learned that her kids wanted to be closer to her, and they all made con- certed efforts to reconnect and achieve the intimacy they once had. Isay says that parents need to grow along with their kids. She names the single sentence that most opens up a grown child: "I'm proud of you." For parents, she says a life-changing sen- tence is, "Hi Mom, how are you?" and encourages conversations that don't have an agenda. It's no surprise to hear that money is a difficult and divisive topic. Although parents are supposed to talk about sex with their teenagers, she says she didn't know anyone who had the heart to do it, and it's very tough to talk about money with grown-ups. Isay writes of parents who resent their kids' requests for money, parents who help out but do so with strings attached and a father who takes back a financial gift. She reminds parents that they should understand that their kids calculate, even if they don't, what they give to each child, and suggests that parents sit down with their adult chil- dren and tell them about their money and their plans and demystify things. In discussing parallels between the roles of parent and editor, she says, "A good editor knows that a good author is never going to do it my way. They're going to listen and do it their way. A good editor tries to help the author find the areas within the book they're passionate about and develop that. A good parent offers kids opportunities to explore their passions:' When it comes to Jewish families, she finds they take a lot of things more seriously and are a lot more success oriented, which can generate feelings of disappointment. She also sees more closeness and more expressions of love, and expression in general, than in less emotive cultures. "But there are Jewish mothers in every culture she notes. "Part of the purpose of the book it to make the relationships between generations less tense, more relaxed, so that when we get to need our children these gaps will not be so troublesome." Isay has started working on a new book, also with a timely theme, Unfinished Business: Staying Close to Your Adult Siblings. She's looking for interview subjects and asks that any- one interested in sharing their story contact her at janeisay.com . Jane Isay is scheduled to speak at this year's Jewish Book Fair, 11 a.m. Friday, Noy.16, at the Jewish Community Center in West Bloomfield. JEREMY Restaurant & Bar www.jeremyrestaurantandbar.com (248) 681-2124 • 1978 Cass Lake Rd. • Keego Harbor Open for Dinner at 5:30 Tuesday-Sunday • Closed Monday Restaurant of the Year, Detroit Free Press Now taking reservations for your Holiday parties! •11.1PW , 1011111111,r 7 Birmingham Area's Newest & Best Deli Now Taking Orders for Break the Fast order on line: wwwalsfamousdeli.com 248-549-FOOD (3663) • 32906 Woodward Ave. (1 block south of 14 mile — East side of Woodward) 1304430 NOW TAKING HOLIDAY TRAY ORDERS! 248.6263110 6879 Orchard Lake Rd. • On the Boardwalk subscribe today online or phone JNonline.us •800.875.6621 September 13 2007 123