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asked the kids to call me, voice to
voice, at least two days per week.
Rachael calls more often, and both
kids e-mail and IM [instant messag-
ing] all the time," she said.
"I rarely IM or e-mail Amira," Gaba
said, "but we speak on the phone
daily" and the trip to Ann Arbor is
short so they visit when they can or
Amira comes to see them.
Some parents also gather a few cell
phone numbers of their child's friends,
just in case they can't reach them on
their own lines.
College counselors remind parents
that their children have internalized all
the parenting that they've done for the
past 17-plus years.
"Students take their growing up with
them; it's part of who they are. They
have paid more attention to how you've
lived and what you've said then they
might let you know," Coburn said.
Duke said that moment of separa-
tion — when parents prepare to leave
their child at college — represents
what Elie Wiesel terms "a privileged
moment in time."
"It comes along in life only a hand-
ful of times. That moment when they
separate, there's access to one of the
most powerful moments in parenting.
I tell parents to think about what they
are going to say — because what they
say will stick.
"Are you going to say 'make your
bed?' Parents can impart some high
level stuff— moral statements and
spiritual things — that need to be
said, like we're proud of you."
If parents can't get through those
moments without crying, Duke sug-
gests that they write a letter — hand-
written, not e-mail — that expresses
their emotions.
"That's the kind of thing that chil-
dren will keep. We need to pay atten-
tion to that moment." 11

c'AEL L 's

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which sets privacy standards for stu-
dent educational records, requires
that information like grade reports,
disciplinary files, health center visits
and even bills may not be shared with
parents without student permission.
"We try to help parents get used to
the idea that they're not going to have
the same intense participation in the
college students' lives as they have for
the past 18 years," said Lynn Rose, a
senior counselor and social worker in
the department of counseling and psy-
chological services at U-M, who spoke
to parents at orientation and registra-
tion sessions held throughout the
summer at the Ann Arbor campus.
"Now, parents need to provide sup-
port, but encourage independence.
The challenge is finding the balance,"
she said.
At U-M, for example, administra-
tors ask that parents not be involved
with the academic advising process.
"It's up to the students to decide what
classes to sign up for," Rose said.
Taking different kinds of courses is
an important decision — and while
doing poorly may not be a pleasant
experience, it can drive students to
areas of study that they really love and
will do well at, said Marshall Duke,
Emory University Candler Professor of
Psychology in Atlanta, who has been
lecturing parents at the school's orien-
tation sessions for the past 25 years.
"We learn as much from failure as
from success — sometimes more," he
said.
Computer and cell phone technolo-
gy can keep students connected with
their parents. "That's very nice, but if
it's overdone, it can keep students
from connecting at the university,"
Coburn said.
Understanding that, but also being
clear on the need for keeping in
touch, Lisa Garfinkle said, "I have

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With so much effort helm each o ar we raise, we re pa cu ar
about where those dollars go. That's why we support only the most
promising programs. Learn mare at komen.org or 1.800 I'M AWARE°.

The Susan
This space provided as a public
• (3. 1Kornen
©2005, The Susan G.
• Breast c ancer service.
Komen Breast Cancer Foundation

Founc i a i i on

Adam, Rachael, Larry, Lisa and Jenny Garfinkle