Confronting infidelity
In a new book, Detroit journalist Suzy Farbman dissects her failed marriage
and explains how she and her husband rescued their relationship.
RONELLE GRIER
Special to the Jewish News
T
o the outside world, Suzy
and Burton Farbman
appeared to have it all: a
marriage that had lasted
almost 30 years, two wonderful sons,
financial success, and the good health
and leisure to enjoy it all.
But inside the walls of their beauti-
ful Franklin Village "dream house,"
away from the public eye, the very
foundation of the life they had built
together was crumbling almost beyond
repair, riddled with deceit, anger and
trust gone woefully astray.
For Suzy, the nightmare began during
a couples workshop, when Burton, a
successful real estate executive (the
Farbman Group), admitted he was hav-
ing an affair, and that it was not his first.
In an effort to save rather than end
the marriage, the couple embarked on a
spiritual journey that enabled them to
mend their relationship and create a
new level of love, trust, intimacy and
honesty.
Suzy Farbman's new book, Back from
Betrayal: Saving a Marriage, a Family, a
Life (Crofton Creek Press; $24.95),
with an afterword by Burton Farbman,
is the story of how this couple made
the profound changes necessary to heal
and renew their marriage and them-
selves by confronting their deepest fears
and most terrifying personal demons.
The Farbmans were featured guests
on The Oprah Winfrey Show on May
14, with a follow-up show scheduled
to air in June.
Suzy Farbman has been a journalist
for more than 30 years, writing for
local and national publications such as
Detroit Monthly, the Detroit News,
Women's Wear Daily and Cosmopolitan.
Before she resigned to write Back from
Betrayal, she spent five years as a
regional editor for Better Homes and
Gardens magazine and other Meredith
Corporation publications.
The couple have two sons, David
and Andy (Amy) Farbman.
The Jewish News caught up with the
Farbmans shortly after the Oprah taping.
JN: Why did you decide to go public
about such a personal experience?
5/21
2004
88
Suzy Farbman: I had some misgiv-
ings about exposing our problems,
especially in this community where I
knew the gossip would take prece-
dence. But I wrote the book to help
other people who were struggling like
we were.
Burton Farbman: I wanted to support
Suzy, and I wanted to show other cou-
ples how a healthy marriage can work.
SF: The Jewish concept of tikkun
olam (saving the world) underlies our
entire effort. More children are being
raised in single-parent homes today
than in two-parent families. Infidelity
is often intergenerational. I wanted to
let people know that it's possible to
get through this, and that your mar-
riage can be so much better if you do.
Originally, I didn't plan to reveal
our identities. We were going to be
the "Franklins of Indiana," and my
pseudonym was "Anonymrs," but the
story just didn't resonate with the
truth. It was creating a lot of stress, so
I prayed about it, and finally the
answer came. I knew I had to surren-
der, so I read the book to Burton.
BF: I had been doing everything in
my power to control and manipulate
the situation. I wanted her to stop, I
wanted things done my way, but Suzy
was determined to write this book.
After she read it to me, I realized that
her story is her story.
By this time, I had been doing some
spiritual work on
myself, and I was
slowly beginning to
let go. I told her to do
what she thought was
right, as long as it was
fair and honest.
Suzy and Burton Farbman:
Renewing a marriage.
have the same problems as the rest of
society, including infidelity, drug
abuse and alcoholism. I know some
Jewish husbands who are very honest
and faithful and some who are not.
JN: What part did spirituality play in
your experience?
SF: At "Onsite," the couples work-
shop we attended, they talked about
building a spiritual foundation. It
became apparent to me that this was
something that had been missing, and
so I began praying. I
realized this was some-
thing that could pull
me through.
BF: Many of us don't
have that connection to
our Higher Power. We
live in an egotistical,
fear-based mode. We
needed to completely
change our point of
view,
to see things
back from betrayal
through loving eyes
SAVOiCi A MAIIMAGE, A FAMILY, A LIFE
instead of being critical
Suzy Farbman
and judgmental. We've
begun studying
Kabbalah (Jewish mys-
"I wanted to let people know
ticism). We read spiritu-
that it possible to get through al books and discuss the
this, and that your marriage
topics together almost
can be so much better if you
every night.
do," says Suzy Farbman.
SF: I've learned how
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JN: Infidelity has
typically been
thought of as a "non-
Jewish" problem.
Was your experience
the exception or is
this an old myth?
BF: I think the
stereotype of the
Jewish man who
doesn't cheat on his
wife is a fallacy. As-
we've become more
Americanized, we
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important it is to trust the universe, to
feel that a Higher Power is guiding and
directing me. Unfortunately, many Jews
grow up without that spiritual compo-
nent.
JN: What are the two most important
things each of you has learned from
this whole experience?
BF: To live in the moment, and to be
absolutely honest. Secrets will kill you,
but if you're honest, you can be stress-
free.
SF: To take care of yourself, and to
realize that you can't change another
person.
JN: How did you feel when the truth
finally came out?
BF: When I finally decided to tell
Suzy the truth, I sensed that the rela-
tionship had fallen so far that if some-
thing dramatic didn't happen, we would
end up getting divorced, and that was
something I had never imagined.
SF: I had sensed it in my heart, but I
didn't know it in my head. That's what
makes you crazy, when your heart is dis-
connected from your head. I didn't real-
ly want to know, because then I'd have
to face it and make some decisions.
JN: What advice would you give cou-
ples who are engaged or newly mar-
ried?
SF: Make your marriage your first pri-
ority. Instead of worrying about whether
or not you've picked the right partner,
focus on being the right partner. Be
nonjudgmental and accepting.
BF: Be absolutely honest. Don't let
resentments build. Talk about what's
bothering you, and be conscious of
where it's coming from. Remember, if
something is troubling you, it's about
you, not your partner.
JN: What about couples whose mar-
riages have already been damaged by
infidelity?
BF: To use a real estate analogy, it is
much easier to build somethinc, from
scratch than to restore or renovate some-
thing that exists. It's hard to break old
patterns. You need to work on fixing
your own bad habits before you work
on rebuilding the relationship.
SF: First, take care of yourself. Get
help — from a professional or your
rabbi or spiritual adviser. Realize that
recovery is a process that takes a lot of
patience. Read this book. If you have
the love, you cherish your memories and
you want to keep your family intact, try
to make things work. If it doesn't work
out, at least you will know you tried
everything you could.