Confronting infidelity In a new book, Detroit journalist Suzy Farbman dissects her failed marriage and explains how she and her husband rescued their relationship. RONELLE GRIER Special to the Jewish News T o the outside world, Suzy and Burton Farbman appeared to have it all: a marriage that had lasted almost 30 years, two wonderful sons, financial success, and the good health and leisure to enjoy it all. But inside the walls of their beauti- ful Franklin Village "dream house," away from the public eye, the very foundation of the life they had built together was crumbling almost beyond repair, riddled with deceit, anger and trust gone woefully astray. For Suzy, the nightmare began during a couples workshop, when Burton, a successful real estate executive (the Farbman Group), admitted he was hav- ing an affair, and that it was not his first. In an effort to save rather than end the marriage, the couple embarked on a spiritual journey that enabled them to mend their relationship and create a new level of love, trust, intimacy and honesty. Suzy Farbman's new book, Back from Betrayal: Saving a Marriage, a Family, a Life (Crofton Creek Press; $24.95), with an afterword by Burton Farbman, is the story of how this couple made the profound changes necessary to heal and renew their marriage and them- selves by confronting their deepest fears and most terrifying personal demons. The Farbmans were featured guests on The Oprah Winfrey Show on May 14, with a follow-up show scheduled to air in June. Suzy Farbman has been a journalist for more than 30 years, writing for local and national publications such as Detroit Monthly, the Detroit News, Women's Wear Daily and Cosmopolitan. Before she resigned to write Back from Betrayal, she spent five years as a regional editor for Better Homes and Gardens magazine and other Meredith Corporation publications. The couple have two sons, David and Andy (Amy) Farbman. The Jewish News caught up with the Farbmans shortly after the Oprah taping. JN: Why did you decide to go public about such a personal experience? 5/21 2004 88 Suzy Farbman: I had some misgiv- ings about exposing our problems, especially in this community where I knew the gossip would take prece- dence. But I wrote the book to help other people who were struggling like we were. Burton Farbman: I wanted to support Suzy, and I wanted to show other cou- ples how a healthy marriage can work. SF: The Jewish concept of tikkun olam (saving the world) underlies our entire effort. More children are being raised in single-parent homes today than in two-parent families. Infidelity is often intergenerational. I wanted to let people know that it's possible to get through this, and that your mar- riage can be so much better if you do. Originally, I didn't plan to reveal our identities. We were going to be the "Franklins of Indiana," and my pseudonym was "Anonymrs," but the story just didn't resonate with the truth. It was creating a lot of stress, so I prayed about it, and finally the answer came. I knew I had to surren- der, so I read the book to Burton. BF: I had been doing everything in my power to control and manipulate the situation. I wanted her to stop, I wanted things done my way, but Suzy was determined to write this book. After she read it to me, I realized that her story is her story. By this time, I had been doing some spiritual work on myself, and I was slowly beginning to let go. I told her to do what she thought was right, as long as it was fair and honest. Suzy and Burton Farbman: Renewing a marriage. have the same problems as the rest of society, including infidelity, drug abuse and alcoholism. I know some Jewish husbands who are very honest and faithful and some who are not. JN: What part did spirituality play in your experience? SF: At "Onsite," the couples work- shop we attended, they talked about building a spiritual foundation. It became apparent to me that this was something that had been missing, and so I began praying. I realized this was some- thing that could pull me through. BF: Many of us don't have that connection to our Higher Power. We live in an egotistical, fear-based mode. We needed to completely change our point of view, to see things back from betrayal through loving eyes SAVOiCi A MAIIMAGE, A FAMILY, A LIFE instead of being critical Suzy Farbman and judgmental. We've begun studying Kabbalah (Jewish mys- "I wanted to let people know ticism). We read spiritu- that it possible to get through al books and discuss the this, and that your marriage topics together almost can be so much better if you every night. do," says Suzy Farbman. SF: I've learned how ....aawf4awat 41avateSiwil pm., nay Dia w agbaloar tesareaell, x.s F,72,19%,.ealgutecar Valbx,x JN: Infidelity has typically been thought of as a "non- Jewish" problem. Was your experience the exception or is this an old myth? BF: I think the stereotype of the Jewish man who doesn't cheat on his wife is a fallacy. As- we've become more Americanized, we AT:Y.1.4171,3%. PSX.OD FADWAX important it is to trust the universe, to feel that a Higher Power is guiding and directing me. Unfortunately, many Jews grow up without that spiritual compo- nent. JN: What are the two most important things each of you has learned from this whole experience? BF: To live in the moment, and to be absolutely honest. Secrets will kill you, but if you're honest, you can be stress- free. SF: To take care of yourself, and to realize that you can't change another person. JN: How did you feel when the truth finally came out? BF: When I finally decided to tell Suzy the truth, I sensed that the rela- tionship had fallen so far that if some- thing dramatic didn't happen, we would end up getting divorced, and that was something I had never imagined. SF: I had sensed it in my heart, but I didn't know it in my head. That's what makes you crazy, when your heart is dis- connected from your head. I didn't real- ly want to know, because then I'd have to face it and make some decisions. JN: What advice would you give cou- ples who are engaged or newly mar- ried? SF: Make your marriage your first pri- ority. Instead of worrying about whether or not you've picked the right partner, focus on being the right partner. Be nonjudgmental and accepting. BF: Be absolutely honest. Don't let resentments build. Talk about what's bothering you, and be conscious of where it's coming from. Remember, if something is troubling you, it's about you, not your partner. JN: What about couples whose mar- riages have already been damaged by infidelity? BF: To use a real estate analogy, it is much easier to build somethinc, from scratch than to restore or renovate some- thing that exists. It's hard to break old patterns. You need to work on fixing your own bad habits before you work on rebuilding the relationship. SF: First, take care of yourself. Get help — from a professional or your rabbi or spiritual adviser. Realize that recovery is a process that takes a lot of patience. Read this book. If you have the love, you cherish your memories and you want to keep your family intact, try to make things work. If it doesn't work out, at least you will know you tried everything you could.