"Many kids at school will mention
their upcoming bar and bat mitzvahs
— talking only about their parties and
never about the progress they are
making in learning their Torah part or
what their Torah part means."
Miles Levin, 13, of Bloomfield Hills
gets the most out of those services he
attends with his Congregation Shir
Tikvah religious school classmates.
"Shir Tikvah feels very strongly that
the entire service is run by the b'nai
mitzvah child," says his mom, Dr.
Nancy Levin. So, Miles says, "The
kids from my Sunday school, who go
to the services, know all about the
service and they follow and sing
along."
Miles and his mom feel an impor-
tant component of the b'nai mitzvah
is having guests attend with some
knowledge of what was involved in
getting to that point. "So much is
required of the bar mitzvah child — it
is a real achievement," Dr. Levin says.
"And it's important that the people in
his life and in the synagogue are aware
of that. The family of the bar mitzvah
child should talk with others about
how important it is to be there and
what it means to them."
B'nai mitzvah parties most often
include a "theme" of interest to the
child, from sports to travel to music.
Rabbi Nevins hopes to shift that focus
to a tzedakah or education theme, or
at least include "a Jewish component
to the party" He says it can be as sim-
ple as using a beautiful Judaic book as
a centerpiece, later donating it to a
religious school or library.
"I don't understand why kids think it's
necessary to have large expensive parties,"
says Rana Zdrojewski. The bigger parties
are not necessarily the best parties.
"Sometimes, kids are trying to
outdo others," she says, but adds that,
mostly, "it depends on their parents
and what their parents want as well."
Glad that her own bat mitzvah, in
August, was one of the first in her
class, she says it eliminated "the pres-
sure of doing better or bigger than
somebody else's."
And in a statement that may shock
some, Rabbi Paul Yedwab informs
that " 'candle-lighting ceremonies'
were not ordained at Mount Sinai.
Instead, as I understand it, they were
created by a Long Island caterer.
"That does not mean that there is
something evil about candle-lightings,
but they are certainly not Jewishly
required."
"A bar or bat mitzvah is a spiritual
CELEBRATIONS on page 17
Here are some of the highlights:
• Tell the meaning of your Hebrew
The Years Before B'nai Mitzvah:
name, why it was selected and the
• Attend Shabbat services. Become
characteristics of your namesake.
familiar with the service.
• Make a contribution to benefit
• Discuss Jewish rituals at home,
another, and then tell how you select-
lifecycle events, why they are impor-
ed the cause. This does not have to be
tant. Take your child to a brit milah
a financial contribution.
(ritual circumcision), a Jewish wed-
Ideas For The Rest Of Jewish Life:
ding, a bar or bat mitzvah, a shivah.
• Begin by repeating as many of the
• Visit the Jewish
activities you can from the
Community Center and see
"Years Before B'nai Mitzvah."
why it is different than other
• Discuss which Jewish
clubs.
organization your family
• Take a Jewish class
would like to support and set
together or plan Jewish activi-
up a plan to participate with
ties together.
the organization.
• Establish the meaning of
• Decide with your child
mitzvot, gemilut chasidim
how to keep the special feeling
Karen Melaas
(acts of lovingkindness),
of becoming a b'nai mitzvah
tzedakah. Have your child
going. Discuss what may
participate in each.
interfere with maintaining their com-
• Look for ways to connect to other
mitment and help them to find ways
Jews.
to overcome interferences.
• Light Shabbat candles and say the
• Choose a Jewish holiday and re-
brachot (blessings).
examine the way it is observed in your
Planning The B'nai Mitzvah Service: home. If you are not observing it, find
• Read a favorite family poem — or
ways to do so. If you are, make some
write one about being Jewish, a Jewish changes to deepen your understanding
experience or friend or hero.
and your connection.
• Carry and read from a family sid-
• Trace your Jewish ancestry and
dur (prayer book), tell where it has
make a family tree that you can hang
been, how long it has been in the fam- on the wall of your home. Make
ily, interesting travels it has made.
copies and share with grandparents.
The Guidelines
A
ctilal text of the Michigan Board of Rabbis Bar and Bat Mitzvah Guide:
"The Michigan Board of Rabbis, together with the Detroit Cantors
Council, representing the religious leadership of our Jewish community,
celebrates the educational and religious growth exhibited by our young
people at the time of bar and bat mitzvah.
"We have grown concerned about some patterns in our community, which
have the capacity to diminish the holiness of this important rite of passage. We
lovingly offer the following reminders for families preparing to celebrate a bar
or bat mitzvah.
"Continued education is primary. The bar or bat mitzvah is an important
milestone in a child's religious development, but it is not a graduation ceremo-
ny. Intensive teen education is essential for our children to develop the spiritual
and intellectual skills necessary to lead a committed Jewish life. We also recom-
mend that the bar/bat mitzvah and his or her family engage in a collective
tzedakah project, and, if possible a trip to Israel. Such actions truly celebrate the
bar or bat mitzvah becoming a responsible member of the Jewish people. Please
consult with your rabbi or cantor to explore appropriate options.
"Receptions have the capacity either to reinforce or to undermine the values of
the religious ceremony. There is no Jewish reason to hold a lavish party. We
encourage our families to use the meal following their simchah to reinforce the
Torah's values of holiness, modesty and good deeds. Recent customs such as can-
dle-lighting ceremonies are not Jewishly mandated; they, too, have the potential
to either affirm or to undermine the sensitivities taught by our sacred tradition.
"Children invited to attend the bar or bat mitzvah service should be accompanied
by parents. We encourage adults to demonstrate the importance of the religious
service by sharing this experience together with their children. This also helps our
synagogues maintain decorum as we celebrate Shabbat together as a community
"We hope that these values will guide your family as you prepare for what will
be a joyous and spiritual occasion. We conclude by wishing you, in advance, a
hearty mazal tov!"
The following are names of rabbis who have signed the statement, as of print-
ing. Members of the Detroit Cantors Council have also signed the statement.
Rabbi Joshua Bennett, Temple Israel
Rabbi Aaron Bergman, Jewish Academy of Metropolitan Detroit
Rabbi Jonathan Berkun, Congregation Shaarey Zedek
Rabbi Lauren Berkun, Jewish Theological Seminary of America/Greater Detroit Chapter
Rabbi Leonardo Bitran, Congregation Shaarey Zedek
Rabbi Scott Bolton, Hillel Day School of Metropolitan Detroit
Rabbi Lee Buckman, Jewish Academy of Metropolitan Detroit
Rabbi David Castiglione, Temple Beth El
Rabbi Ernst Conrad, rabbi emeritus, Temple Kol Ami
Rabbi Robert Dobrusin, Beth Israel (Ann Arbor) Congregation
Rabbi Michele Faudem, Hillel Day School of Metropolitan Detroit
Rabbi Marla Feldman, Jewish Community Council of Metropolitan Detroit
Rabbi E.B. Freedman, The Jewish Hospice and Chaplaincy Network
Rabbi Jack Goldman, Metropolitan Kashrus Council of Michigan
Rabbi Hal Greenwald, Jewish Community Center of Metropolitan Detroit
Rabbi Irwin Groner, Congregation Shaarey Zedek
Rabbi Marla Hornsten, Temple Israel
Rabbi Joe Klein, Temple Emanu-El
Rabbi Tamara Kolton, Birmingham Temple
Rabbi Joseph Krakoff, Congregation Shaarey Zedek
Rabbi David J.B. Krishef, Ahavas Israel, Grand Rapids
Rabbi James Michaels, Beth Israel, Flint
Rabbi Michael Moskowitz, Temple Shir Shalom
Rabbi David Nelson, Congregation Beth Shalom
Rabbi Daniel Nevins, Adat Shalom Synagogue
Rabbi Elliot Pachter, Congregation B'nai Moshe
Rabbi Charles Popky, Congregation Beth Ahm
Rabbi Norman Roman, Temple Kol Ami
Rabbi A. Irving Schnipper, rabbi emeritus, Congregation Beth Ahm
Rabbi Dannel Schwartz, Temple Shir Shalom
Rabbi Arnie Sleutelberg, Congregation Shir Tikvah
Rabbi Daniel Syme, Temple Beth El
Rabbi Sherwin Wine, Birmingham Temple
Rabbi Paul Yedwab, Temple Israel
Rabbi Herbert Yoskowitz, Adat Shalom Synagogue
.