"Many kids at school will mention their upcoming bar and bat mitzvahs — talking only about their parties and never about the progress they are making in learning their Torah part or what their Torah part means." Miles Levin, 13, of Bloomfield Hills gets the most out of those services he attends with his Congregation Shir Tikvah religious school classmates. "Shir Tikvah feels very strongly that the entire service is run by the b'nai mitzvah child," says his mom, Dr. Nancy Levin. So, Miles says, "The kids from my Sunday school, who go to the services, know all about the service and they follow and sing along." Miles and his mom feel an impor- tant component of the b'nai mitzvah is having guests attend with some knowledge of what was involved in getting to that point. "So much is required of the bar mitzvah child — it is a real achievement," Dr. Levin says. "And it's important that the people in his life and in the synagogue are aware of that. The family of the bar mitzvah child should talk with others about how important it is to be there and what it means to them." B'nai mitzvah parties most often include a "theme" of interest to the child, from sports to travel to music. Rabbi Nevins hopes to shift that focus to a tzedakah or education theme, or at least include "a Jewish component to the party" He says it can be as sim- ple as using a beautiful Judaic book as a centerpiece, later donating it to a religious school or library. "I don't understand why kids think it's necessary to have large expensive parties," says Rana Zdrojewski. The bigger parties are not necessarily the best parties. "Sometimes, kids are trying to outdo others," she says, but adds that, mostly, "it depends on their parents and what their parents want as well." Glad that her own bat mitzvah, in August, was one of the first in her class, she says it eliminated "the pres- sure of doing better or bigger than somebody else's." And in a statement that may shock some, Rabbi Paul Yedwab informs that " 'candle-lighting ceremonies' were not ordained at Mount Sinai. Instead, as I understand it, they were created by a Long Island caterer. "That does not mean that there is something evil about candle-lightings, but they are certainly not Jewishly required." "A bar or bat mitzvah is a spiritual CELEBRATIONS on page 17 Here are some of the highlights: • Tell the meaning of your Hebrew The Years Before B'nai Mitzvah: name, why it was selected and the • Attend Shabbat services. Become characteristics of your namesake. familiar with the service. • Make a contribution to benefit • Discuss Jewish rituals at home, another, and then tell how you select- lifecycle events, why they are impor- ed the cause. This does not have to be tant. Take your child to a brit milah a financial contribution. (ritual circumcision), a Jewish wed- Ideas For The Rest Of Jewish Life: ding, a bar or bat mitzvah, a shivah. • Begin by repeating as many of the • Visit the Jewish activities you can from the Community Center and see "Years Before B'nai Mitzvah." why it is different than other • Discuss which Jewish clubs. organization your family • Take a Jewish class would like to support and set together or plan Jewish activi- up a plan to participate with ties together. the organization. • Establish the meaning of • Decide with your child mitzvot, gemilut chasidim how to keep the special feeling Karen Melaas (acts of lovingkindness), of becoming a b'nai mitzvah tzedakah. Have your child going. Discuss what may participate in each. interfere with maintaining their com- • Look for ways to connect to other mitment and help them to find ways Jews. to overcome interferences. • Light Shabbat candles and say the • Choose a Jewish holiday and re- brachot (blessings). examine the way it is observed in your Planning The B'nai Mitzvah Service: home. If you are not observing it, find • Read a favorite family poem — or ways to do so. If you are, make some write one about being Jewish, a Jewish changes to deepen your understanding experience or friend or hero. and your connection. • Carry and read from a family sid- • Trace your Jewish ancestry and dur (prayer book), tell where it has make a family tree that you can hang been, how long it has been in the fam- on the wall of your home. Make ily, interesting travels it has made. copies and share with grandparents. The Guidelines A ctilal text of the Michigan Board of Rabbis Bar and Bat Mitzvah Guide: "The Michigan Board of Rabbis, together with the Detroit Cantors Council, representing the religious leadership of our Jewish community, celebrates the educational and religious growth exhibited by our young people at the time of bar and bat mitzvah. "We have grown concerned about some patterns in our community, which have the capacity to diminish the holiness of this important rite of passage. We lovingly offer the following reminders for families preparing to celebrate a bar or bat mitzvah. "Continued education is primary. The bar or bat mitzvah is an important milestone in a child's religious development, but it is not a graduation ceremo- ny. Intensive teen education is essential for our children to develop the spiritual and intellectual skills necessary to lead a committed Jewish life. We also recom- mend that the bar/bat mitzvah and his or her family engage in a collective tzedakah project, and, if possible a trip to Israel. Such actions truly celebrate the bar or bat mitzvah becoming a responsible member of the Jewish people. Please consult with your rabbi or cantor to explore appropriate options. "Receptions have the capacity either to reinforce or to undermine the values of the religious ceremony. There is no Jewish reason to hold a lavish party. We encourage our families to use the meal following their simchah to reinforce the Torah's values of holiness, modesty and good deeds. Recent customs such as can- dle-lighting ceremonies are not Jewishly mandated; they, too, have the potential to either affirm or to undermine the sensitivities taught by our sacred tradition. "Children invited to attend the bar or bat mitzvah service should be accompanied by parents. We encourage adults to demonstrate the importance of the religious service by sharing this experience together with their children. This also helps our synagogues maintain decorum as we celebrate Shabbat together as a community "We hope that these values will guide your family as you prepare for what will be a joyous and spiritual occasion. We conclude by wishing you, in advance, a hearty mazal tov!" The following are names of rabbis who have signed the statement, as of print- ing. Members of the Detroit Cantors Council have also signed the statement. Rabbi Joshua Bennett, Temple Israel Rabbi Aaron Bergman, Jewish Academy of Metropolitan Detroit Rabbi Jonathan Berkun, Congregation Shaarey Zedek Rabbi Lauren Berkun, Jewish Theological Seminary of America/Greater Detroit Chapter Rabbi Leonardo Bitran, Congregation Shaarey Zedek Rabbi Scott Bolton, Hillel Day School of Metropolitan Detroit Rabbi Lee Buckman, Jewish Academy of Metropolitan Detroit Rabbi David Castiglione, Temple Beth El Rabbi Ernst Conrad, rabbi emeritus, Temple Kol Ami Rabbi Robert Dobrusin, Beth Israel (Ann Arbor) Congregation Rabbi Michele Faudem, Hillel Day School of Metropolitan Detroit Rabbi Marla Feldman, Jewish Community Council of Metropolitan Detroit Rabbi E.B. Freedman, The Jewish Hospice and Chaplaincy Network Rabbi Jack Goldman, Metropolitan Kashrus Council of Michigan Rabbi Hal Greenwald, Jewish Community Center of Metropolitan Detroit Rabbi Irwin Groner, Congregation Shaarey Zedek Rabbi Marla Hornsten, Temple Israel Rabbi Joe Klein, Temple Emanu-El Rabbi Tamara Kolton, Birmingham Temple Rabbi Joseph Krakoff, Congregation Shaarey Zedek Rabbi David J.B. Krishef, Ahavas Israel, Grand Rapids Rabbi James Michaels, Beth Israel, Flint Rabbi Michael Moskowitz, Temple Shir Shalom Rabbi David Nelson, Congregation Beth Shalom Rabbi Daniel Nevins, Adat Shalom Synagogue Rabbi Elliot Pachter, Congregation B'nai Moshe Rabbi Charles Popky, Congregation Beth Ahm Rabbi Norman Roman, Temple Kol Ami Rabbi A. Irving Schnipper, rabbi emeritus, Congregation Beth Ahm Rabbi Dannel Schwartz, Temple Shir Shalom Rabbi Arnie Sleutelberg, Congregation Shir Tikvah Rabbi Daniel Syme, Temple Beth El Rabbi Sherwin Wine, Birmingham Temple Rabbi Paul Yedwab, Temple Israel Rabbi Herbert Yoskowitz, Adat Shalom Synagogue .