Week
Focused Celebrations
Clergy spearhead guide reminds b'nai mitzvah families what it's all about.
Stories by SHELLI LIEBMAN DORFMAN
s
ome time in the last 25 years or
so, the b'nai mitzvah has retreat-
ed from its position as a celebra-
tion of Jewish adulthood, with
family and close friends sharing a white
cake iced with a blue Jewish star.
Today, b'nai mitzvah attendees may
very well be privy to planes flying over
the synagogue toting written messages,
young girls in ball gowns attending
more than one party a weekend, security
guards keeping loitering kids inside the
party room, parents in debt and, unfor-
tunately in more and more cases, forget-
fulness of the meaning of this milestone.
"This has become a universal trend
in the Jewish world," says Rabbi
Daniel Nevins of Adat Shalom
Synagogue. "There is a growing sense
of 'keeping up with the Cohens'."
After hearing concerns of other rab-
bis "that families were not getting the
most out of lifecycle events," he and
other members of the Bloomfield
Township-based Michigan Board of
Rabbis, where he serves as president,
have come up with suggestions of how
to bring the spiritual meaning of the
b'nai mitzvah back to families.
The statement was created with
input from members of the Detroit
Cantors Council, which endorsed it
along with the rabbis.
"Some kids are incredibly stressed
about the peer pressure of planning
these parties," Rabbi Nevins says.
"And that's just not what this is about.
The goal is to celebrate a child assum-
ing the responsibilities for his Jewish
education and identity."
"This statement is not meant to
tochachah (rebuke), but rather chinuch
(Jewish education)," says Temple Israel
Rabbi Paul Yedwab, the Michigan
Board of Rabbis' vice president.
"We are not pointing the finger at
anyone. However, we do understand
that people do what they feel is expect-
ed of them. We simply wanted to make
clear what Judaism requires of them."
Unlike a recent proclamation by the
New York City-based Agudath Israel
of America representing fervently
Orthodox rabbis — which gave specif-
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2002
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For related commentary: page 5
Rabbi Nevins
Rabbi Yedwab
is parameters to be followed to help
families control wedding excess —
Rabbi Nevins says his board's state-
ment was created with "a focus on giv-
ing guidelines, without objective crite-
ria." He says, however, the involved
clergy encourage congregants to ask
them for advice and discussion.
Rabbi Freedman
Since the rabbis' group includes
members from the Conservative,
Orthodox, Reform, Renewal and
Secular Humanistic movements, the
statement reflects issues that, Rabbi
Nevins says, "cut across denomina-
tional lines to bring out the b'nai
mitzvah's spiritual potential.
"We looked toward what is univer-
sal, representing the plurality of reli-
gious visions."
The group chose to stress areas of con-
tinued Jewish education, travel to Israel
and including tzedakah in party plan-
ning; a family tzedakah project; and hav-
ing parents serve as Jewish role models.
Rabbi Nevins stressed the importance
of participation in teen-based Israel
missions. In addition, he hopes to
introduce parents to travel trips geared
toward families of b'nai mitzvah-age
youth, such as the one he will lead
through Adat Shalom this summer.
While many synagogues require
b'nai mitzvah candidates to complete a
"mitzvah project," typically with
meaningful involvement in social
action or tzedakah programming, the
rabbis suggest an expansion of the
project may be in Israel travel.
"Although I understand for many, it
may be cost prohibitive, I feel very
strongly that, when possible, a way to
reinforce Jewish identity is through
travel to Israel," Rabbi Nevins says.
"Very few of my friends are getting
much out of the [b'nai mitzvah] serv-
ices because many of them leave to
talk, or don't even leave and talk, dur-
ing much of the service," says Rana
Zdrojewski, 12, of Farmington Hills.
Hints For A Richer Experience
fter planning nearly back-to-
back bar mitzvahs for her two
sons and serving as b'nai mitz-
vah coordinator for Congregation
Shir Tikvah, Karen Melaas of Oxford
put her experiences and knowledge
on paper.
She created a three-part list of sug-
gestions for making the time before,
during and after b'nai mitzvah as
Jewishly meaningful as possible.
"I tried to think of what I've seen
people do and not do, and what I
wished I had done," she says. "I
wrote the lists with hindsight, fore-
sight and peripheral vision."
The lists include many points
Melaas first tried out herself.
During the years when her son Eli,
now 15, was invited to 32 b'nai
mitzvah celebrations, she decided she
would attend the services with him.
"I thought, as b'nai mitzvah coordi-
nator at my synagogue, I should see
what others are doing." She now uses
that experience as the number one
suggestion on her "The Years Before
B'nai Mitzvah" list.
By the time of Eli's bar mitzvah,
she says he had celebrated with
A
enough others to realize there were
things he would like to change —
perhaps most significantly, the cen-
terpieces at his party. "We went to
Kmart, bought brand new pairs of
shoes in different colors and sizes,
filled them with socks, attached bal-
loons and placed them on each
table," Melaas says. "Then Eli made
a card, on the computer, to go with
each centerpiece, explaining the path
the shoes would walk after the
party.
Eli later accompanied his mom to
The Haven, a Pontiac shelter for
women and children, where he per-
sonally delivered the shoes. "It was
important that he be a part of the
giving," his mom says.
Last May, Melaas and fellow Shir
Tikvah congregant Dr. Nancy Levin
of Bloomfield Hills held what they
termed a b'nai mitzvah "spirit fair."
"I have known many synagogues to
have b'nai mitzvah fairs that promote
names of photographers, disc jock-
eys, florists and companies that per-
sonalize everything from T-shirts to
candy," Melaas says.
Instead, the two decided to hold a
program where Melaas and Dr.
Levin, a psychologist, whose son
Miles became a bar mitzvah last
October, could share resources and
experiences in a small discussion
group.
Thrilled with attendance by nearly
20 families, Melaas says, "The fact
that people thought and acted differ-
ently after our gathering tells me that
Nancy and I began to meet a goal.
We wanted to show how to raise the -
spiritual level of thinking about the
b'nai mitzvah."
She says the impact of celebrat-
ing a b'nai mitzvah within a Jewish
community was realized at her son
Eli's bar mitzvah service. "We were
on the bimah and I looked out at
the congregation and I thought
about the phrase, 'It takes a village
to raise a child,' and suddenly I
heard myself say to my son, 'Look.
It's your village.' "
For a complete listing of suggestions
created by Karen Melaas for increasing
the spiritual level of the planning, par-
ticipation and follow-up to the b'nai
mitzvah, see JN Online at:
www.detroitjewishnews.com