DOORS
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damaged women are those where the
man is verbally abusive, very possessive
and jealous, isolates them from their
friends and families, threatens to hurt
them or to take the children if they
want to file for divorce, doesn't share
money.
"When someone hits you, everybody
knows it's bad," Yashinsky said. "But
this is so much more elusive. It's just
this ongoing, continuous chipping-away
at a woman's self-esteem.
"The woman with the black eye is
the one that gets the ad in the newspa-
per, and the women we work with so
much are in these terroristic relation-
ships don't get to have a life," Yashinsky
said. "To their neighbors and friends,
everything looks perfect, but inside the
home, they have no freedom of choice."
We learn a lot about how to be in a
relationship from the role models closest
to us, our parents. Is the balance of
power equal? Are control issues predom-
inant? Is there mutual respect? If not,
take a closer look, and be wary before
you commit.
"On a societal level, the greatest pre-
ventive is premarital counseling," said
Rabbi Weil. Weil and his wife, Yael, typ-
ically meet with couples two or three
times before the wedding, then separate-
ly, he with the groom, she with the
bride, several more times before the
marriage.
The Weils have also begun meeting
with newlyweds. "When you're dealing
with emotional and psychological issues,
then the couple can speak from experi-
ence much more meaningfully," the
rabbi said.
In addition to the laws of family
purity, known as taharat hamishpachah,
good premarital counseling focuses on
the concept of veahavta ireyacha
kamocha, treat your neighbors as your-
self, "which is the psychological and
emotional dynamic," Weil said.
There has to be as much of a stress
on the latter as the former, he insists —
how you conduct your lives verbally,
emotionally, body language. In the past,
and still in some circles, premarital
meetings focus mainly on family purity,
specifically when a husband and wife are
permitted to be physical.
Abused women are often scared to
reveal what is happening to them, for
fear of retribution. Among religious
Jews, the topic is even more taboo, but
harder to spot because women play a
more prominent role behind the scenes
than in public.
Rabbi Weinreb has a theory: "All reli-
gions, but our religion in particular,
could be used or misused," he said.
"There's a statement in the Torah, that
religion can be sam chaim, a potion for
life, or sam mavet, a potion for death. If
you emphasize one part at the expense
of another, ritual observance at the
expense of being sensitive to other peo-
ple's feelings, it can be quite poisonous.
The Torah is complete, and if you both
observe Shabbos and are sensitive to
other people's feelings, it's a blessing."
Twerski says the community is rally-
ing around the issue and wanting to see
change. But, she cautions, the Jewish
community "works best when it does
things in a more modest way." That's
why she will agree to interviews with
Jewish media, but not with the general
population, turning down "20/20" and
other news outlets to maintain discre-
tion. Anyone can call the hotline, but it
is staffed by Orthodox women and fol-
lows Jewish law, so even the most reli-
gious people will be comfortable using
it.
The Shalom Task Force began nearly
seven years ago. Along with the hotline,
it educates and trains rabbis, leads pre-
vention workshops in New York reli-
gious girls schools, trains mikvah atten-
dants, and is preparing to unveil a cur-
riculum for boys. The hotline links to
New Jersey and Detroit. If a Detroit
woman calls the hotline, there is no
chance that the woman who answers
the phone will recognize her voice.
"In a place like Detroit, it's much
more of a possibility that somebody
who's going to call is afraid they're going
to reach someone they know on the
other end," Twerski said.
Project Shalom's Roszler is intent on
changing attitudes. She compares the
issue of domestic violence to that of
drunk driving. Once the hilarious sub-
ject of stand-up comedy routines, drunk
driving is now looked down upon and
unacceptable.
"If the community says, 'No way,
this is absolutely inappropriate, and any-
one who does this should be ashamed,'
that is going to help a lot in dating situ-
ations," she said. ❑
On Nov. 15, the Shalom Task
Force will hold a day-long confer-
ence in New York, for rebbetzins,
kallah (bride) teachers, educators
and mikvah attendants. For infor-
mation, call the hotline, (888)
883-2323.
C=(
START from page 67
Sacramento with a degree m communi-
cations. She also has a certificate as a
personal trainer. Her first marriage
(whose name she still keeps) began at
25 and ended amicably. Her second
marriage came at age 29, and because
her now ex-husband, a physician, later
went through extensive therapy and
apologized, they are now friends.
"The second time, I was very much
in love," she says. "Because I was so
much in love, I overlooked signs of
abuse. He yelled really loud, but I
blamed myself"
Looking back, she sees red flags all
over the place.
"He once told my father he didn't
know how to be in a close family. His
mother was mentally ill and mentally
kused them. His father wasn't around
a lot. There were other signs. He yelled,
raised his voice, I saw insecurities. But
at the time, I wasn't secure in myself"
On their wedding night, Beckett's
husband "beat me up so bad, my ribs
were sore." When she vowed to annul
the marriage, he promised he'd never
do it again.
But it didn't end there. He beat her
while she was pregnant, hitting her
head against Formica. The physical vio-
9/4
1998
68 Detroit Jewish News
lence came with mental anguish, too
— he called her "stupid" and said he
didn't love her
"Men will say, 'What did you. do?'
Nothing. The heat could've been too
high," she said It was all how he felt
about himself"
From the outside, Beckett's life
looked idyllic. She drove a Cadillac,
and had two golden retrievers, two
daughters and a big house in an afflu-
ent, Jewish neighborhood of metro
Detroit. "But the kids were hiding in
the closet from him," she said. "When
he wasn't abusive, he was wonderful. I
was living with rose-colored glasses."
He practiced emergency medicine "so I
didn't have to go anywhere to get fixed.
`Smart' abusers hit in places you can't
see — pinch under your arms, kick
your shin."
Only one friend stood by Beckett
and tried to get her to leave. For two
months, they'd meet at a path and walk
outside, talking. "He saw bruises on my
legs," she says. "I was this athletic
woman — suddenly I became klutzy;
tripping, falling. Once, my friend
called the police. Only one friend
wanted to help. The others didn't want
to get involved.
"When I was little, I always thought
I was special. When I finally left, I did-
n't know who I was I stayed so long
because I was embarrassed I had picked
two wrong men. Now my relationships
with men are strong and healthy. I ask
the right questions," she says. "It's
important to learn why you choose the
men you choose."
After four years, Beckett escaped to
Jewish Family Service, where she devot-
ed four years to intensive therapy until
she felt "complete."
"I was too scared to press charges. I
had to prove the abuse to the police,"
she recalls.
Thanks to changes in the law,
women in Oakland County no longer
have to prove abuse or testify against
their abusers. "Oakland County is very
progressive," says Beckett. "Now, the
law is that if a suit is filed, the state
prosecutes, no matter what.
"When I started rebuilding my life,"
she continued, "I lived next to drug
dealers. At times, I wanted to end it all
but didn't because I had a bigger pur-
pose. I started writing Complete
Fitness."
The tapes not only teach weight
loss, but goal-setting and figuring
out a larger purpose in life. Once
those goals are set, Beckett's pro-
gram uses fitness to support and
achieve them.
In the fourth grade, Beckett wrote
an essay about how she wanted to
make a difference in the world. She
now feels like she is doing so, on a
grand scale. ❑
HAPPENINGS
Sept, 4 6
-
Midwest Jewish singles
Shabbaton (age 30 and up).
A shomer Shabbat weekend
at Bais Chabad of West
Bloomfield. Featuring
keynote speaker Dr. Eliot P.
Kaplan, Dr. Anita Turtletaub,
Rabbi Elimelech and Mrs.
Chaya Sarah Silberberg. Cost:
$175. Roche' Crockett, (248)
855-6170, or Dr. Anita
Turtletaub, (847) 329-0632.