DOORS from page 67 damaged women are those where the man is verbally abusive, very possessive and jealous, isolates them from their friends and families, threatens to hurt them or to take the children if they want to file for divorce, doesn't share money. "When someone hits you, everybody knows it's bad," Yashinsky said. "But this is so much more elusive. It's just this ongoing, continuous chipping-away at a woman's self-esteem. "The woman with the black eye is the one that gets the ad in the newspa- per, and the women we work with so much are in these terroristic relation- ships don't get to have a life," Yashinsky said. "To their neighbors and friends, everything looks perfect, but inside the home, they have no freedom of choice." We learn a lot about how to be in a relationship from the role models closest to us, our parents. Is the balance of power equal? Are control issues predom- inant? Is there mutual respect? If not, take a closer look, and be wary before you commit. "On a societal level, the greatest pre- ventive is premarital counseling," said Rabbi Weil. Weil and his wife, Yael, typ- ically meet with couples two or three times before the wedding, then separate- ly, he with the groom, she with the bride, several more times before the marriage. The Weils have also begun meeting with newlyweds. "When you're dealing with emotional and psychological issues, then the couple can speak from experi- ence much more meaningfully," the rabbi said. In addition to the laws of family purity, known as taharat hamishpachah, good premarital counseling focuses on the concept of veahavta ireyacha kamocha, treat your neighbors as your- self, "which is the psychological and emotional dynamic," Weil said. There has to be as much of a stress on the latter as the former, he insists — how you conduct your lives verbally, emotionally, body language. In the past, and still in some circles, premarital meetings focus mainly on family purity, specifically when a husband and wife are permitted to be physical. Abused women are often scared to reveal what is happening to them, for fear of retribution. Among religious Jews, the topic is even more taboo, but harder to spot because women play a more prominent role behind the scenes than in public. Rabbi Weinreb has a theory: "All reli- gions, but our religion in particular, could be used or misused," he said. "There's a statement in the Torah, that religion can be sam chaim, a potion for life, or sam mavet, a potion for death. If you emphasize one part at the expense of another, ritual observance at the expense of being sensitive to other peo- ple's feelings, it can be quite poisonous. The Torah is complete, and if you both observe Shabbos and are sensitive to other people's feelings, it's a blessing." Twerski says the community is rally- ing around the issue and wanting to see change. But, she cautions, the Jewish community "works best when it does things in a more modest way." That's why she will agree to interviews with Jewish media, but not with the general population, turning down "20/20" and other news outlets to maintain discre- tion. Anyone can call the hotline, but it is staffed by Orthodox women and fol- lows Jewish law, so even the most reli- gious people will be comfortable using it. The Shalom Task Force began nearly seven years ago. Along with the hotline, it educates and trains rabbis, leads pre- vention workshops in New York reli- gious girls schools, trains mikvah atten- dants, and is preparing to unveil a cur- riculum for boys. The hotline links to New Jersey and Detroit. If a Detroit woman calls the hotline, there is no chance that the woman who answers the phone will recognize her voice. "In a place like Detroit, it's much more of a possibility that somebody who's going to call is afraid they're going to reach someone they know on the other end," Twerski said. Project Shalom's Roszler is intent on changing attitudes. She compares the issue of domestic violence to that of drunk driving. Once the hilarious sub- ject of stand-up comedy routines, drunk driving is now looked down upon and unacceptable. "If the community says, 'No way, this is absolutely inappropriate, and any- one who does this should be ashamed,' that is going to help a lot in dating situ- ations," she said. ❑ On Nov. 15, the Shalom Task Force will hold a day-long confer- ence in New York, for rebbetzins, kallah (bride) teachers, educators and mikvah attendants. For infor- mation, call the hotline, (888) 883-2323. C=( START from page 67 Sacramento with a degree m communi- cations. She also has a certificate as a personal trainer. Her first marriage (whose name she still keeps) began at 25 and ended amicably. Her second marriage came at age 29, and because her now ex-husband, a physician, later went through extensive therapy and apologized, they are now friends. "The second time, I was very much in love," she says. "Because I was so much in love, I overlooked signs of abuse. He yelled really loud, but I blamed myself" Looking back, she sees red flags all over the place. "He once told my father he didn't know how to be in a close family. His mother was mentally ill and mentally kused them. His father wasn't around a lot. There were other signs. He yelled, raised his voice, I saw insecurities. But at the time, I wasn't secure in myself" On their wedding night, Beckett's husband "beat me up so bad, my ribs were sore." When she vowed to annul the marriage, he promised he'd never do it again. But it didn't end there. He beat her while she was pregnant, hitting her head against Formica. The physical vio- 9/4 1998 68 Detroit Jewish News lence came with mental anguish, too — he called her "stupid" and said he didn't love her "Men will say, 'What did you. do?' Nothing. The heat could've been too high," she said It was all how he felt about himself" From the outside, Beckett's life looked idyllic. She drove a Cadillac, and had two golden retrievers, two daughters and a big house in an afflu- ent, Jewish neighborhood of metro Detroit. "But the kids were hiding in the closet from him," she said. "When he wasn't abusive, he was wonderful. I was living with rose-colored glasses." He practiced emergency medicine "so I didn't have to go anywhere to get fixed. `Smart' abusers hit in places you can't see — pinch under your arms, kick your shin." Only one friend stood by Beckett and tried to get her to leave. For two months, they'd meet at a path and walk outside, talking. "He saw bruises on my legs," she says. "I was this athletic woman — suddenly I became klutzy; tripping, falling. Once, my friend called the police. Only one friend wanted to help. The others didn't want to get involved. "When I was little, I always thought I was special. When I finally left, I did- n't know who I was I stayed so long because I was embarrassed I had picked two wrong men. Now my relationships with men are strong and healthy. I ask the right questions," she says. "It's important to learn why you choose the men you choose." After four years, Beckett escaped to Jewish Family Service, where she devot- ed four years to intensive therapy until she felt "complete." "I was too scared to press charges. I had to prove the abuse to the police," she recalls. Thanks to changes in the law, women in Oakland County no longer have to prove abuse or testify against their abusers. "Oakland County is very progressive," says Beckett. "Now, the law is that if a suit is filed, the state prosecutes, no matter what. "When I started rebuilding my life," she continued, "I lived next to drug dealers. At times, I wanted to end it all but didn't because I had a bigger pur- pose. I started writing Complete Fitness." The tapes not only teach weight loss, but goal-setting and figuring out a larger purpose in life. Once those goals are set, Beckett's pro- gram uses fitness to support and achieve them. In the fourth grade, Beckett wrote an essay about how she wanted to make a difference in the world. She now feels like she is doing so, on a grand scale. ❑ HAPPENINGS Sept, 4 6 - Midwest Jewish singles Shabbaton (age 30 and up). A shomer Shabbat weekend at Bais Chabad of West Bloomfield. Featuring keynote speaker Dr. Eliot P. Kaplan, Dr. Anita Turtletaub, Rabbi Elimelech and Mrs. Chaya Sarah Silberberg. Cost: $175. Roche' Crockett, (248) 855-6170, or Dr. Anita Turtletaub, (847) 329-0632.