What To Do
After Popping The Question
It may seem like you have no role in wedding planning
but there are things men can do.
and most guys really don't
Saturday, June 13
Havdalah with Jewish Professional
Singles. 8 p.m. Cost: $8. For
reservation and directions, call
Julie, (248) 526-0131.
Sunday, JUne 14
DAVID KUSHNER
Special to The Jewish News
T
he fastest disappearing act
in the world isn t Houdini
or David Copperfield. It's
the guy who just got
'
engaged.
Watch how fast he vanishes after
he slips the ring on his girlfriend's
finger, leaving her and her family to
sort out the details for the upcoming
wedding.
When I got engaged, it was the
first piece of advice from most of my
married friends: "Stay out of the
plans," they said. "It's not worth the
hassle. You'll never get what you
want anyway."
Even my friends who had thrown
weddings for themselves, without the
help of their parents, had the same
ideas. "Let your soon-to-be-wife lead
the way," they suggested. "Everyone
will be happier."
But I didn't want to relent. Like
my fiancee, I had definite ideas
about the kind of wedding to have
and, furthermore, I wanted to be
part of the whole experience. So,
over a- long weekend at the beach, we
mapped out all the mutual things we
needed to cover: place, band, cater-
ing, flowers, rabbi, photographer,
videographer.
Did we leave anything out?
Probably. But at least we had a start-
ing point. I wasn't going to be an
ordinary disappearing guy — I was
going to stake out some territory and
do my share.
Guys like plans, objectives and
goals, so the best thing to do, we
figured, was to divvy up the
■
responsibilities; my
■ ir
fiancee took the
catering, the
flowers, the
rabbi; I han-
dled the band,
the photogra-
pher, the
videographer. The initial idea was
that we would both be involved in
6/12
1998
110
all the areas, but that there would
essentially be a point person for each
task. Since her parents were footing
the bill, though, they'd be involved
to o.
At first, everything went smoothly.
We fell for the first venue we saw; it
was in the budget, available, so we
took it. But soon enough, though,
our plans got complicated. My
fiancee.and her mother were speed-
ing off in a million directions, han-
dling everything. It was like a snow-
ball effect: the caterer knew a florist,
the florist knew a photographer, the
photographer knew a videographer,
and her parents were friends with a
rabbi.
All of a sudden, just a month,after
I proposed, everything was lined up
and I felt like I had barely done any-
thing at all.
My friends said they told me so
and, actually, I realized they were
partially right. Frankly, I didn't care
about most of the details: Flatware?
Whatever. Centerpieces? As if.
Still, I found there was plenty I
could to do stay involved and not
bail out like most guys. After all, this
was a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
It would set the stage for the rest of
out lives. So I brainstormed a check
list for every guy who wants to help
plan a wedding, but doesn't want to
lose his mind.
Drum roll, please:
•
•
1. OFFER TO HELP. Okay,
you're not picking out the flowers or
the appetizers, but at least let your
fiancee know that you're there for
her, if she needs you. Don't back off
and act like a jerk; realize that for
every decision you leave to her, the
least you can do is be there when
you're needed.
2. PLAN SOMETHING FOR
HER. So you feel like your fiancee is
picking up all the slack. Maybe she
doesn't seem to mind, but how about
doing something in return? Bring
her breakfast in bed, plan a romantic
night on the town, give her a mas-
sage.
3. DEAL WITH THE HONEY-
MOON. Guys like planning trips
more than weddings, maybe it's just
more up their alley. So make a deal
to handle all the legwork for the
honeymoon, once you two decide
where you want to go.
4. TAG ALONG. Okay, you can't
tell a daisy from a lilac. So what.
The point is being together, even if
you just end up sitting at the table
and nodding along. Make it a point
to at least be there — physically.
5. PLAY THE REBOUND. Hey,
guess what, the wedding isn't over
when it's over. After you get back
from the honeymoon, there are pic-
tures to pick up, bills to pay, thank-
you notes to write.
If you slackened off in the plan-
ning process, be a dude and make it
up on the back end. Fill out
envelopes, schlep out to pick up the
wedding album.
The bottom line: you're getting
married because of love. And if
you love her, you won't want to
abandon her during this truly
amazing,
stressful,
wonderful
time. You'll
never look at flat-
ware the same way
again. ❑
Brunch with Second Sunday
Schmoozers, Jewish singles ages
25-55. 11:30 a.m. At Sweet
Lorraine's, 303 Detroit Street,
Ann Arbor. Phyllis, (734) 973-
8699.
Monday, June 15
Cocktail party for young adults
25-45, with a showing of The
LongWay Ilome documentary. For
those interested in forming a new
young adult group devoted to
social/politics of Israel. 6 p.m. At
the Kahn Jewish Community
Center, West Bloomfield. Contact
the Zionist Cultural Center,
18451 W 10 Mile Road,
Southfield, 48075.
Wednesday, June 17
event. 6:30 p.m.
The YAD at
At Meadow Brook Hall on the
campus of Oaldand University in
Rochester Hills. Cost: $20.
Installation of board members,
and music. Ages 21-35.
7 14
Dinner at Sweet Lo rr a ine's, Jewish..
Professional Singles. Harry, (248)
exaftaiassment discussion,
Jewish i)tofesiional Singles. 7:30
p.m. At the Bloomfield Wes
ut.
$5
t
artmewt.s- CI
bhouse. Cos
Susan (248)
'
Friday, June 19
Young Adult Shabbat Service.
7:30 p.m. At Aclat Shalom
Synagogue. (248) $51 ;5100,.
Saturday, Jim 20
Chew and putt program, - Jewis
Professional Singles. 6:30 p.m.
Pita Cafe in Oak. Park, joel, (248)
398-3987.