What To Do After Popping The Question It may seem like you have no role in wedding planning but there are things men can do. and most guys really don't Saturday, June 13 Havdalah with Jewish Professional Singles. 8 p.m. Cost: $8. For reservation and directions, call Julie, (248) 526-0131. Sunday, JUne 14 DAVID KUSHNER Special to The Jewish News T he fastest disappearing act in the world isn t Houdini or David Copperfield. It's the guy who just got ' engaged. Watch how fast he vanishes after he slips the ring on his girlfriend's finger, leaving her and her family to sort out the details for the upcoming wedding. When I got engaged, it was the first piece of advice from most of my married friends: "Stay out of the plans," they said. "It's not worth the hassle. You'll never get what you want anyway." Even my friends who had thrown weddings for themselves, without the help of their parents, had the same ideas. "Let your soon-to-be-wife lead the way," they suggested. "Everyone will be happier." But I didn't want to relent. Like my fiancee, I had definite ideas about the kind of wedding to have and, furthermore, I wanted to be part of the whole experience. So, over a- long weekend at the beach, we mapped out all the mutual things we needed to cover: place, band, cater- ing, flowers, rabbi, photographer, videographer. Did we leave anything out? Probably. But at least we had a start- ing point. I wasn't going to be an ordinary disappearing guy — I was going to stake out some territory and do my share. Guys like plans, objectives and goals, so the best thing to do, we figured, was to divvy up the ■ responsibilities; my ■ ir fiancee took the catering, the flowers, the rabbi; I han- dled the band, the photogra- pher, the videographer. The initial idea was that we would both be involved in 6/12 1998 110 all the areas, but that there would essentially be a point person for each task. Since her parents were footing the bill, though, they'd be involved to o. At first, everything went smoothly. We fell for the first venue we saw; it was in the budget, available, so we took it. But soon enough, though, our plans got complicated. My fiancee.and her mother were speed- ing off in a million directions, han- dling everything. It was like a snow- ball effect: the caterer knew a florist, the florist knew a photographer, the photographer knew a videographer, and her parents were friends with a rabbi. All of a sudden, just a month,after I proposed, everything was lined up and I felt like I had barely done any- thing at all. My friends said they told me so and, actually, I realized they were partially right. Frankly, I didn't care about most of the details: Flatware? Whatever. Centerpieces? As if. Still, I found there was plenty I could to do stay involved and not bail out like most guys. After all, this was a once-in-a-lifetime experience. It would set the stage for the rest of out lives. So I brainstormed a check list for every guy who wants to help plan a wedding, but doesn't want to lose his mind. Drum roll, please: • • 1. OFFER TO HELP. Okay, you're not picking out the flowers or the appetizers, but at least let your fiancee know that you're there for her, if she needs you. Don't back off and act like a jerk; realize that for every decision you leave to her, the least you can do is be there when you're needed. 2. PLAN SOMETHING FOR HER. So you feel like your fiancee is picking up all the slack. Maybe she doesn't seem to mind, but how about doing something in return? Bring her breakfast in bed, plan a romantic night on the town, give her a mas- sage. 3. DEAL WITH THE HONEY- MOON. Guys like planning trips more than weddings, maybe it's just more up their alley. So make a deal to handle all the legwork for the honeymoon, once you two decide where you want to go. 4. TAG ALONG. Okay, you can't tell a daisy from a lilac. So what. The point is being together, even if you just end up sitting at the table and nodding along. Make it a point to at least be there — physically. 5. PLAY THE REBOUND. Hey, guess what, the wedding isn't over when it's over. After you get back from the honeymoon, there are pic- tures to pick up, bills to pay, thank- you notes to write. If you slackened off in the plan- ning process, be a dude and make it up on the back end. Fill out envelopes, schlep out to pick up the wedding album. The bottom line: you're getting married because of love. And if you love her, you won't want to abandon her during this truly amazing, stressful, wonderful time. You'll never look at flat- ware the same way again. ❑ Brunch with Second Sunday Schmoozers, Jewish singles ages 25-55. 11:30 a.m. At Sweet Lorraine's, 303 Detroit Street, Ann Arbor. Phyllis, (734) 973- 8699. Monday, June 15 Cocktail party for young adults 25-45, with a showing of The LongWay Ilome documentary. For those interested in forming a new young adult group devoted to social/politics of Israel. 6 p.m. At the Kahn Jewish Community Center, West Bloomfield. Contact the Zionist Cultural Center, 18451 W 10 Mile Road, Southfield, 48075. Wednesday, June 17 event. 6:30 p.m. The YAD at At Meadow Brook Hall on the campus of Oaldand University in Rochester Hills. Cost: $20. Installation of board members, and music. Ages 21-35. 7 14 Dinner at Sweet Lo rr a ine's, Jewish.. Professional Singles. Harry, (248) exaftaiassment discussion, Jewish i)tofesiional Singles. 7:30 p.m. At the Bloomfield Wes ut. $5 t artmewt.s- CI bhouse. Cos Susan (248) ' Friday, June 19 Young Adult Shabbat Service. 7:30 p.m. At Aclat Shalom Synagogue. (248) $51 ;5100,. Saturday, Jim 20 Chew and putt program, - Jewis Professional Singles. 6:30 p.m. Pita Cafe in Oak. Park, joel, (248) 398-3987.