The Mother
Of All Weddings
SEWS T !LAVE
JULY
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iraly 5-15
Israel Bonds North American new
leadership delegation to Israel. Ages
28-42. (800) 229-9650, Ext. 500-
502.
July 8-19
UJA summer singles mission to
Israel. Cost $1,999 per person.
Marc Berke, (248) 203-1458.
31dy 19-28
Second annual nationwide Jewish
singles cruise to Alaska. Cost: from
$2,569, airfare included. (800)
628-3941.
Ally 20-30
Scandinavia - Stockholm, Oslo and
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AUGUST
X2-9
Jewish singles vacation to Cape
Cod, Martha's Vineyard, Nantucket
Island and Newport, R.I. Ages 30-
49. (617) 782-3396.
Ang. 12-23
Jewish singles vacation to Europe
— Ireland, Wales and southern
England. Ages 30-49. (617) 782-
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Aug. 17-24
Alaska cruise, Sky Princess,
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An 20-23
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How to stay sane, and stay close to your mother,
while planning the event of both of your dreams.
DEBBIE FEIT
Special to The Jewish News
I can only imagine what my
neighbors thought about the
screaming.
Given the thin walls of my
apartment, I'm sure they heard every
sordid detail of my ongoing shriek-
fest — otherwise known as my
almost daily telephone conversations
with my mom.
Actually, my mother and I have a
great relationship. We speak quite
freely and I consider her a friend.
But back in 1996, it didn't take
much for her to provoke me. My
nerves were shot. I was drowning in
responsibilities.
And I felt no one could help. It
was the worst year of my life.
, It was the year I got married.
Don't misunderstand. After
spending 3 1/2 years with Dave, I
was thrilled to be marrying him. It
was the wedding preparations I was-
n't crazy about.
Looking back on it now, I realize
the arguments with my mother were
more the result of my frazzled nerves
than of any unresolvable conflict.
But that didn't stop me from yelling
at my mom until my vocal cords
were ready to snap.
Fortunately for me, she forgave
my outbursts as quickly as I was
thrown into them.
Conflict is common between
mothers and brides. It is attributed
to the shift that takes place in the
family when one is getting married.
According to social worker Robyn
Dwoskin, "It's a tremendous life
change. Even though it's a blessed
event, there are some things we have
to adjust to, and that's what fuels the
tension."
I know things could have been
worse. I could have a mother-in-law
as pushy as my friend Suzanne's.
They fought over the receiving line,
the head table, even the calligraphy
on the envelopes. "She didn't want
to be embarrassed in front of her
friends," recalls Suzanne of her New
York high-society mother-in-law.
"She thought I might as well have
been from 'Petticoat Junction.' She
thought I was so provincial, so
Midwest."
Dave and I also brought consider-
able differences to the table; he was
raised a Scottish Presbyterian in
Livonia, I'm a nice Jewish girl from
Brooklyn. These differences played a
bigger role in the planning of the
wedding than they ever have in the
almost six years we've
been together.
I had to balance
Dave's low-key style
and preference for a hot
dog reception with my
mother's natural
instinct to throw a
"New York wedding,"
even if it was in Ann
Arbor.
I also had to contend
with my mother's desire
to abide by the laws of
Conservative Judaism; a
perfectly natural request
... had I been engaged
to a Jewish man. But I
wasn't. I also wasn't turning my back
on my heritage and traditions.
Being Jewish was — and is — a
big part of who I am. Dave and I
planned on getting married under a
chuppah
designed and built by
Dave, in fact. We planned on break-
ing not one, but two glasses. (The
feminist in me wanted my own.)
And the band I hired had learned
"Hava Nagila" just for our wedding.
Still, my mother and I fought
over whether or not the ceremony
would start before sundown on
Saturday.
"Your grandmother won't travel
on Shabbos," she reminded me.
"She has to be there early for pic-
tures anyway," I argued.
We also fought about whether
or not we would serve kosher food.
Of the 175 people who would
attend our wedding, perhaps six kept
kosher. I had my heart set on a
particular caterer — who wasn't
kosher.
But to make things easier on the
kosher-keeping guests, I planned to
give a fish option to help them stay
away from treife meat. Mom and I
compromised by keeping the pre-
ceremony cocktail hour strictly vege-
tarian.
With my mother and I engaged in
our fight-a-thon, my mother-in-law
made only one request: that Dave's
sister be included in
the bridal party.
With my sister and
Dave's brother clear-
ly marked for
matron of honor
and best man, my
mother-in-law was
concerned that
Kathy might be left
out. We made sure
she wasn't.
But not everyone
has in-laws as unin-
trusive as mine.
Melissa's mother-
in-law ran out the
night before the
wedding to have the bridesmaids'
shoes re-dyed because she wasn't
happy with the color. And when
Glenn's father-in-law heard the
humorous vows Glenn and Kara were
planning to say, he made sure they
were removed from the ceremony.
"When people feel out of control,
they get controlling," says licensed
counselor Elaine Horigian. "There's
anxiety and sadness underneath it
because there's a loss even though it's
a happy time."
I'm grateful I have in-laws who
mind their own business. Besides, it's
easier to argue with my own mother.
But when the screeching comes to a
stop, my mother and I feel better.
Life goes on.
And we remain friends. 17_1
"When
people feel
out of
control, they
get
controlling."
—
In the interest of familial harmony,
some names have been changed.
6/12
1998
111