B"H
\:$
STHE PERFECT
WAY TO WELCOME
YOUR OUT•OF•TOWN
GUESTS...
4Q0ci,S 2
Specialties
Trays • Baskets
Decorative Bags
To Fit Every Budget!
BULK CANDY, NUTS & MORE...
968-NOSH (6674)
K
=EMI
v1 4
Pareve
SPECIAL! FREE DELIVERY
Within the Tri-county.
(Minimum $50 order)
Exp. 6/1/93
ALL
ABOUT
FLOWERS
A full service florist
creating floral designs
for weddings.
26062 W. Twelve Mile Road
Southfield, Michigan 48034
Diamond Plaza
east of Northwestern Hwy.
(313) 350-0120
arrange for an appointment
to plan your special event
34
•JANUARY/FEBRUARY 1993 • STYLE
WEATHERING THE STORM
(continuedfrom page 24)
would. Three years after their marriage, the
couple is 'still living with her parents.
"It made me angry for a while, and I was dis-
appointed, because you feel like the big kid
who still lives at home," says Cathi. But about
a year ago, she sat down and talked to her hus-
band about what she wanted. These days, he's
working a lot harder, she reports, and the two
expect to move out from her parents' house
in six months.
IVING UP AUTONOMY IS ANOTHER
Ur-major issue for new couples, particular-
ly when partners lived independently before
exchanging vows. New marrieds might feel
that they are relinquishing parts of themselves
by joining up with a partner, and might seek
ways to protect their separateness and iden-
tity, Glass comments. One wife, for example,
got resentful when she had to call her hus-
band from work to say that she would be late.
"It wasn't really a problem, but I remember
thinking that I didn't have to do this before,"
she says.
Marriage counselors recommend dealing
with these emotions by maintaining some in-
dependent activities. People "shouldn't have
to give up things that are important to them,"
says Patsy Milner, a Baltimore psychiatric so-
cial worker who offers marital counseling. "You
should continue seeing your friends or taking
classes at night or doing whatever you lie to do."
Regarding money, a common bone of con-
tention, couples do well when they create a
common pot but each reserve a discretionary
pot, "so that each ends up with some auton-
omy and can do some unilateral spending,"
suggests Glass.
F COURSE, THERE'S NO SUREFIRE
ki method to avoid conflict during the first
year of marriage. But there are ways to smooth
the transition from singlehood to coupledom.
• Talk about your goals. Before you get
married, decide what you expect from your
first years, and where your priorities lie. Is-
sues of children, holidays, money and house-
work should all be discussed.
• If you and your future spouse disagree
on some points, explore who is more willing
to give on a specific issue, and work on it from
a quid-pro-quo basis, with one partner giving
up a vacation in the Bahamas, say, for the abil-
ity to play golf every weekend. Each partner
should feel that he or she has a voice in de-
termining these rules. Otherwise, you're cre-
ating an atmosphere that's ripe for resentment
and conflict "Someone who feels that he is be-
ing denied his rights will fight, either overtly
or covertly, to get them," says therapist Pone.
• Learn how to recognize and accept your
differences. You might be extremely practi-
cal, while your husband is a dreamer. You
might love parties, while he hates them. No
matter what sets you apart from your mate,
the sooner you know it, the better, points out
Milner. To help young marrieds get a better
sense of each other's personalities, she of-
ten administers the Myers -Briggs tests, which
establish basic personality types and their
characteristics. "It's a good way to let people
know where the boundaries are, and how to
work within the confines of those boundaries,"
she says. Don't regard the differences between
you and your mate as a stumbling block, says
Glass. After all, your differences probably drew
you together in the first place. See them as an
opportunity to grow and to experience another
point of view.
• Learn how to communicate with each oth-
er. "People have to have the willingness to dis-
cuss things in ways that lead to positive
resolution instead of making them worse,"
says Lori Gordon, founder of PAIRS, an in-
ternational program that teaches couples to
Of course, there's no
surefire method to avoid
conflict during the first year
of marriage. But there are
ways to smooth the
transition from
singlehood to coupledom.
apply intimate relationship skills. She advises
stating most complaints and suggestions from
your own point of view, saying, for example,
"I felt bad when you didn't call me to let me
know when you were coming home," rather
than, "You were so stupid and insensitive to
not call me." The former is less accusing and
more apt to get positive results.
Gordon also encourages couples to take dai-
ly "temperature readings" where each partner
asks how the other is feeling— and listens to
the answer. Expressing int e rest in one's spouse
helps nurture the bond between partners.
• Don't expect your spouse to fulfill all your
needs. Too often, we expect our spouses to
satisfy us emotionally, sexually, financially and
psychologically, says Milner. No one person
can bear that entire burden. Go see a play with
a friend if your husband hates the theater
and realize that it does not mean anything is
lacking in your marriage. ❑
Alyssa Gabbay is a frequent contributor to Style.