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These days, he's working a lot harder, she reports, and the two expect to move out from her parents' house in six months. IVING UP AUTONOMY IS ANOTHER Ur-major issue for new couples, particular- ly when partners lived independently before exchanging vows. New marrieds might feel that they are relinquishing parts of themselves by joining up with a partner, and might seek ways to protect their separateness and iden- tity, Glass comments. One wife, for example, got resentful when she had to call her hus- band from work to say that she would be late. "It wasn't really a problem, but I remember thinking that I didn't have to do this before," she says. Marriage counselors recommend dealing with these emotions by maintaining some in- dependent activities. People "shouldn't have to give up things that are important to them," says Patsy Milner, a Baltimore psychiatric so- cial worker who offers marital counseling. "You should continue seeing your friends or taking classes at night or doing whatever you lie to do." Regarding money, a common bone of con- tention, couples do well when they create a common pot but each reserve a discretionary pot, "so that each ends up with some auton- omy and can do some unilateral spending," suggests Glass. F COURSE, THERE'S NO SUREFIRE ki method to avoid conflict during the first year of marriage. But there are ways to smooth the transition from singlehood to coupledom. • Talk about your goals. Before you get married, decide what you expect from your first years, and where your priorities lie. Is- sues of children, holidays, money and house- work should all be discussed. • If you and your future spouse disagree on some points, explore who is more willing to give on a specific issue, and work on it from a quid-pro-quo basis, with one partner giving up a vacation in the Bahamas, say, for the abil- ity to play golf every weekend. Each partner should feel that he or she has a voice in de- termining these rules. Otherwise, you're cre- ating an atmosphere that's ripe for resentment and conflict "Someone who feels that he is be- ing denied his rights will fight, either overtly or covertly, to get them," says therapist Pone. • Learn how to recognize and accept your differences. You might be extremely practi- cal, while your husband is a dreamer. You might love parties, while he hates them. No matter what sets you apart from your mate, the sooner you know it, the better, points out Milner. To help young marrieds get a better sense of each other's personalities, she of- ten administers the Myers -Briggs tests, which establish basic personality types and their characteristics. "It's a good way to let people know where the boundaries are, and how to work within the confines of those boundaries," she says. Don't regard the differences between you and your mate as a stumbling block, says Glass. After all, your differences probably drew you together in the first place. See them as an opportunity to grow and to experience another point of view. • Learn how to communicate with each oth- er. "People have to have the willingness to dis- cuss things in ways that lead to positive resolution instead of making them worse," says Lori Gordon, founder of PAIRS, an in- ternational program that teaches couples to Of course, there's no surefire method to avoid conflict during the first year of marriage. But there are ways to smooth the transition from singlehood to coupledom. apply intimate relationship skills. She advises stating most complaints and suggestions from your own point of view, saying, for example, "I felt bad when you didn't call me to let me know when you were coming home," rather than, "You were so stupid and insensitive to not call me." The former is less accusing and more apt to get positive results. Gordon also encourages couples to take dai- ly "temperature readings" where each partner asks how the other is feeling— and listens to the answer. Expressing int e rest in one's spouse helps nurture the bond between partners. • Don't expect your spouse to fulfill all your needs. Too often, we expect our spouses to satisfy us emotionally, sexually, financially and psychologically, says Milner. No one person can bear that entire burden. Go see a play with a friend if your husband hates the theater and realize that it does not mean anything is lacking in your marriage. ❑ Alyssa Gabbay is a frequent contributor to Style.