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Anger
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FRIDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1991
have to do is learn to be
assertive, direct and honest
without being cruel."
A preventive approach to
anger is particularly impor-
tant in situations where
from-the-hip unchecked ex-
pression can have ir-
revocable results. If you tell
off your boss, you risk losing
your job. If you beat your
child, that physical contact
can harm not only your rela-
tionship but his personal de-
velopment as well.
Residual anger, left
unresolved from a previous
situation, can be as harmful
as anger set off by present
circumstances. A recent
study at the University of
Southern California sug-
gests that more than half of
all divorced parents con-
tinue as long as five years
after they split up to have
angry relationships that are
potentially harmful to their
children.
Dr. Richard Perlmutter of
Baltimore says the best way
to deal with your anger is to
"know it, use it, face it."
That means, he explains,
"sometimes you let it be and
sometimes you let it show
the way to other emotions."
Instead of focusing on
assertiveness, Dr.
Perlmutter suggests people
work on their self-
understanding and their
maturity level so that in con-
frontational situations, "you
learn to act rather than
react, and to have a choice
when to express anger to an-
other person and when not
to."
The new thinking on anger
questions another long-held
belief. "The notion that all
neurotic problems are bot-
tled-up anger doesn't cap-
ture the reality," he says.
Experts now believe that
anger is relatively easy to
express. "Other emotions
that are harder to express
(than anger) are hurt,
tenderness, sadness, failure,
emptiness and so on."
Is it ever appropriate to
express anger? Yes, answers
Dr. Perlmutter. Indeed,
there are situations in which
being able to express anger
clearly can save a relation-
ship, assuming, first, that
the communication clarifies
your position and, second,
that there's enough trust for
moments of anger not to
destroy the relationship.
On the other hand, he con-
tinues, expressing anger can
be destructive if it is a cover
for some other emotion such
as hurt, grief, pain or loss.
Then, expressing anger is
perceived by other people as
"blaming" and makes them
feel hurt or angry in return.
"So anger can serve either
function" — constructive or
destructive, Dr. Perlmutter
says. "This is why it's so im-
portant to understand the
role of anger in your emo-
tional map and not get
caught up in whether or not
anger should be expressed."
One process that may help
you decide if you should ex-
press anger is to recognize
that you have angry feel-
ings, then try to figure out if
they're justified.
Dr. Perlmutter adds two
caveats. "Some anger is like
a reflex and some people
don't have much control over
it. If something is said or
done to them, they
automatically respond with
anger-rage," he says. Also,
"if anger stays, it can
degenerate into moodiness,
blaming, suffering. Counsel-
ing would be one way to deal
with it."
Rhoda Posner agrees that
there are some people who
Yo learn to act
rather than react 9
and to have a
choice when to
express anger to
another person
and when not to
are more prone to getting
angry and who have more
intense anger. "They're do-
ing studies now on per-
sonalities and intensity,"
comments Ms. Posner, who
has led workshops on anger
and other emotions in per-
sonal relationships and in
their work environment.
"I see anger as a natural
response to being threatened
or to a perception of being
threatened. I agree that it is
important to manage anger
early and that some people
have a pool of unexpressed,
residual anger," Ms. Posner
says. "Anger builds up be-
cause we lack confidence in
our ability to be assertive, to
ask for what we want and to
not feel threatened that
we'll mess up."
While it is certainly con-
sidered okay to feel anger,
the point is the way you ex-
press it to other people. Ms.
Posner has two caveats, too.
"Anger is one of the things
we work with a lot with
clients. Some need to learn
to express it more; some
less," she says. For many
people, a workshop that pro-
vides pointers in dealing
with anger is sufficient. But
people with a "deep pool" of