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64
FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1988
I NOTEBOOK I
Aliyah Poses Serious
Family Disagreements
BEN GALLOB
Special to The Jewish News
N
ew York — Parents
and children often
have disagreements,
but when the fallout involves
an argument over Israel, it
can get ugly.
Such was the case recently
when an American Jew
wanted to settle with his wife
in Israel. It caused such
hostility, and an almost total
condemnation by his parents,
that he was forced to drop his
aliyah plans, resulting in a
lasting bitterness.
Many American parents
are opposed to their grown
children settling in Israel.
But the lengths to which the
parents of that son carried
their opposition apparently
were unique, according to a
report on the family dispute
in "The Bridge," the official
publication of Parents of
North American Israelis
(PNAI).
The report, by Marion
Jacobs, president of the
Boston chapter of PNAI, was
based on a letter she receiv-
ed after an article about the
group, and the adjustment
problems of parents and of
their children making aliyah,
appeared in the Jewish Ad-
vocate of Boston.
The writer of the letter,
whose name was withheld,
said she and her husband had
been long-time Zionists and
lived in Israel before they met
in graduate school. She said
their commitment to each
other "originated in our com-
mon dream to live, work and
raise a family in Israel."
The dream was shattered by
her parents-in-law, who "ab-
solutely and completely con-
demned my husband's plans
to move to Israel."
The wife wrote that her
husband was devastated by
his parents' threats to
disinherit him and never to
speak to him again, and "to
hold him responsible for their
early ill health." The wife
added, in her letter to Jacobs,
that her in-laws "were and
are in good health."
The wife wrote that she and
her husband "were not look-
ing (to the in-laws) for
understanding, only for accep-
tance of our decision, however
reluctantly it might be
given."
She wrote that the conflict
lasted for a year, "during
which we tried to arrive at
some way to go to Israel
without the emotional
devastation my in-laws
engendered. It was not to be.
Even my parents, who hated
to see me go but understood
how wrong it would be to
stand in our way, could not
reason with the uncom-
promising attitude of my hus-
band's parents."
The husband decided he
could leave to settle in Israel
"with this terrible burden of
guilt. And what did my in-
laws gain? A family schism
lasting for years; the near-
disintegration of their son's
marriage; the total loss of
their son's respect; their
daughter-in-law's enmity
which, though toned down,
will last forever, and, most of
all, guilt over seeing their
son's family turn away from
them."
The writer said she could
understand the pain of
parents whose children left
the United States to settle in
Israel, adding that she is now
a parent with four children
"and I say that, no matter
how much it hurts, I could
never take the responsibility,
nor do I have the right to deny
them their dream," should
any of her children decide as
adults to make aliyah.
Commenting on the letter,
Jacobs said she suspected
that no family of olim was
unanimously for or against
aliyah.
The husband
decided he could
not live in Israel
"with the burden
of guilt."
"Rather, more than not,
parents will say some family
members approve, applaud
and support the oleh's deci-
sion, and some are dead set
against it." She said she felt
the letter from the wife of a
son forced to drop his aliyah
plans because of severe paren-
tal pressure "graphically il-
lustrates the consequences
that totally negative family
influence can have for many
years" after the event.
An argument could be
made, Jacobs said, "that if the
son in this case were suffi-
ciently motivated to make a
home in Israel, nothing would
have stopped him, and he
would have believed that his
parents would eventually
have come around."
Nevertheless, she added,
"we all know that, even with
the most supportive family
behind the oleh, the decision
is always difficult and fraught
with ambivalence."