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Please call us to discuss your Condominium management needs. 64 FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1988 I NOTEBOOK I Aliyah Poses Serious Family Disagreements BEN GALLOB Special to The Jewish News N ew York — Parents and children often have disagreements, but when the fallout involves an argument over Israel, it can get ugly. Such was the case recently when an American Jew wanted to settle with his wife in Israel. It caused such hostility, and an almost total condemnation by his parents, that he was forced to drop his aliyah plans, resulting in a lasting bitterness. Many American parents are opposed to their grown children settling in Israel. But the lengths to which the parents of that son carried their opposition apparently were unique, according to a report on the family dispute in "The Bridge," the official publication of Parents of North American Israelis (PNAI). The report, by Marion Jacobs, president of the Boston chapter of PNAI, was based on a letter she receiv- ed after an article about the group, and the adjustment problems of parents and of their children making aliyah, appeared in the Jewish Ad- vocate of Boston. The writer of the letter, whose name was withheld, said she and her husband had been long-time Zionists and lived in Israel before they met in graduate school. She said their commitment to each other "originated in our com- mon dream to live, work and raise a family in Israel." The dream was shattered by her parents-in-law, who "ab- solutely and completely con- demned my husband's plans to move to Israel." The wife wrote that her husband was devastated by his parents' threats to disinherit him and never to speak to him again, and "to hold him responsible for their early ill health." The wife added, in her letter to Jacobs, that her in-laws "were and are in good health." The wife wrote that she and her husband "were not look- ing (to the in-laws) for understanding, only for accep- tance of our decision, however reluctantly it might be given." She wrote that the conflict lasted for a year, "during which we tried to arrive at some way to go to Israel without the emotional devastation my in-laws engendered. It was not to be. Even my parents, who hated to see me go but understood how wrong it would be to stand in our way, could not reason with the uncom- promising attitude of my hus- band's parents." The husband decided he could leave to settle in Israel "with this terrible burden of guilt. And what did my in- laws gain? A family schism lasting for years; the near- disintegration of their son's marriage; the total loss of their son's respect; their daughter-in-law's enmity which, though toned down, will last forever, and, most of all, guilt over seeing their son's family turn away from them." The writer said she could understand the pain of parents whose children left the United States to settle in Israel, adding that she is now a parent with four children "and I say that, no matter how much it hurts, I could never take the responsibility, nor do I have the right to deny them their dream," should any of her children decide as adults to make aliyah. Commenting on the letter, Jacobs said she suspected that no family of olim was unanimously for or against aliyah. The husband decided he could not live in Israel "with the burden of guilt." "Rather, more than not, parents will say some family members approve, applaud and support the oleh's deci- sion, and some are dead set against it." She said she felt the letter from the wife of a son forced to drop his aliyah plans because of severe paren- tal pressure "graphically il- lustrates the consequences that totally negative family influence can have for many years" after the event. An argument could be made, Jacobs said, "that if the son in this case were suffi- ciently motivated to make a home in Israel, nothing would have stopped him, and he would have believed that his parents would eventually have come around." Nevertheless, she added, "we all know that, even with the most supportive family behind the oleh, the decision is always difficult and fraught with ambivalence."