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Reagan Says
He Was
Misunderstood
On Contras

Bloody Coke•
Pepsi War
Drags On In
Atlanta

Washington — President
Reagan says he was not
at all disappointed that
Congress voted against
$100 million for the contras
in Nicaragua.
"Me, upset?" asked the
President. "Ridiculous."
Denying that he's a
sore loser, the President.
blamed the press.
"The truth is I'm
opposed to the contras,"
said Reagan." In fact, it's
the press that has been
misinterpreting my
message to the American
people. I'm not in favor of
aid to the contras," he
said. "I'm actually in favor
of AIDS for them!"

The Coke-Pepsi War has
entered its eighth bloody
year with no end in sight
to the fighting. Coke
claimed to have made new
inroads this week with an
assault on the teens and
twenties diet market, but
Pepsi reportedly countered
with an airwaves attack
aimed at middle-aged
albinos with more than five
cavities.
Untold millions of dollars
have been spent on the
fighting and the cost in .
lives is known to be high,
but the war has received
even less media coverage
than the Iran-Iraq conflict.
The United Nations has

In a recent ceremony, Piesident Reagan presented a
wind-up menorah to the new punk-rock group, the Four
Chassidim, who have been surgically joined at the hip
and beard.

leaders of both sides to
Miami to find out
Meanwhile, he
announced this week his
plans to present "the
ultimate double feature"
for serious movie buffs:
The award-winning nine-
and-a-half hour Holocaust
documentary "Shoah,"
and the four-and-a-half

Reform
Leader
Vowels To
Increase
Jewish Fold

New York — Rabbi
Alexander Schindler
announced today that any
child born of a parent with
a vowel in his or her last
name can be considered
"a Halachic Reform Jew,
according to the law of
Moses and the law of
averages."

•

Waldheim
Says He
Wasn't Even
In Europe

Habib To
Mediate
Religious
Split

Washington — President
Reagan has appointed
Special Envoy Philip Habib
to help mediate the conflict
between the Orthodox and
non-Orthodox rabbinate in
Israel.
Calling the assignment
"a difficult challenge that
will make mediating the
conflict in Lebanon look
like a piece of Halvah,"
Habib immediately flew to
Israel, first donning a black
fedora hat and an open-
necked Gucci silk shirt in
an effort to satisfy both
sides of the religious
dispute.
Habib reportedly will
deputize Rabbi Yitz
Greenfields to help in the
effort, which calls for
substituting the Who Is. A
Jew debate with the
question of Where Is A
Jew and than taking the

hour Holocaust
documentary "The Sorrow
And The Pity."
Woody Allen has called
the double-feature "the
best thing since the
Nuremberg Trials."
Admission will include
overnight accomodations,
meals and handkerchief
laundering service.

,

Vienna— Kurt Waldheim,
the former Secretary
General of the United
Nations accused of being
a Nazi during World War
II, said he was not even in
Europe during the War and
was serving as a Hebrew
school teacher and part-
time cantor in Little Rock,
Arkansas from 1940 to
1945.
Waldheim, who is
running for president of
Austria, said his accent is
not European but a native
Southern drawl that he
worked hard to overcome
when he was' selected for
the United Nations post.
"Ah wanted to sound real
sophisticated • for the.UN
job, but heck, Ahm just a
good ol' Sodthern boy," he
exclaimed while' whittling a
wooden Star of David
during an interview.
Told that no one
remembered him in the
Little Rock Jewish
community, Waldheim
shrugged and said, "You
know how it is. Bein' a
. chazzan or Hebrew school
teacher is such a
thankless job that ain't no

,

An.

sent troops to a new buffer
•zone in Atlanta, the
corporate headquarters of
Coke, and the world body
voted to condemn Israel,
calling softdrink
consumption a Zionist plot.
The UN vote was 146-0,
with the U.S. and Liberia
abstaining.

Aliyalh For
Baby Doc

Jerusalem — Israel has
been embarrassed by its
decision to offer refuge to
the ex-dictator. of Haiti,
Jean Claude Duvalier.
"We're so anxious for
aliyah that we accepted
him immediately," said a
spokesman for the Ministry
of Absorption and
Immigration. "Besides,
from his name, Baby Doc,
we thought he was a
pediatrician."

Chrysler Prez
Is Romancing
The Stone

. Washington — A con-
gressional investigation
has revealed that Lee
Altekocker was recently
fired as head of the
Liberty-Ellis Island
Centennial Commission
because the White House
feared that his long-time
romance with the Statue of
Liberty would become
public knowledge.
From time to time,
according to the Senate
report, gossip columnists
have sought to amorously
link Altekocker with the
busty Miss Liberty. In the
past, "hush money" from
the Chrysler Corporation
and pressure from the
Oval Office were able to
silence these reports.
But after Altekocker
squired the. Statue last
month to several New York
hot-spots, including the
Copacabaria, the Stork
Club and "21," for several
nights of wining and dining
and dancing, Washington
political operatives feared
that reports about the
affair could no longer be
squelched.
"What does Lee see in
her?'/ mused Liz Smith,
who knows the couple
well. "You .must remember
that she's quiet but a good
listener. She's statuesque
and really built —
especially after the face-lift
she had, which I hear cost
a fortune. And apparently
it's finally all over between
her and Ronald Reagan,
although he's been
carrying a torch for her
since she arrived from
France."

.

Former part-time cantor.
one remembers ya. Damn •
shame, too," he added as
he spat on the floor:

A Rome
Shalom

Vatican City — Pope
John Paul made history
today when he visited the
local aynagogue in Rome,
explaining that the visit
was prompted by his
looking inside his yarmulke
when he took it off to go to
sleep last night and
noticing that it was from
the Bar-Mitzvah of Alfredo
Shapiro, Catering by Pizza
by Pinchas. "I just wanted
to return his yarmulke and
ask him if maybe he'd
taken mine by mistake,".
said the Pope.

,

Lady Liberty steps out.