61 • Reagan Says He Was Misunderstood On Contras Bloody Coke• Pepsi War Drags On In Atlanta Washington — President Reagan says he was not at all disappointed that Congress voted against $100 million for the contras in Nicaragua. "Me, upset?" asked the President. "Ridiculous." Denying that he's a sore loser, the President. blamed the press. "The truth is I'm opposed to the contras," said Reagan." In fact, it's the press that has been misinterpreting my message to the American people. I'm not in favor of aid to the contras," he said. "I'm actually in favor of AIDS for them!" The Coke-Pepsi War has entered its eighth bloody year with no end in sight to the fighting. Coke claimed to have made new inroads this week with an assault on the teens and twenties diet market, but Pepsi reportedly countered with an airwaves attack aimed at middle-aged albinos with more than five cavities. Untold millions of dollars have been spent on the fighting and the cost in . lives is known to be high, but the war has received even less media coverage than the Iran-Iraq conflict. The United Nations has In a recent ceremony, Piesident Reagan presented a wind-up menorah to the new punk-rock group, the Four Chassidim, who have been surgically joined at the hip and beard. leaders of both sides to Miami to find out Meanwhile, he announced this week his plans to present "the ultimate double feature" for serious movie buffs: The award-winning nine- and-a-half hour Holocaust documentary "Shoah," and the four-and-a-half Reform Leader Vowels To Increase Jewish Fold New York — Rabbi Alexander Schindler announced today that any child born of a parent with a vowel in his or her last name can be considered "a Halachic Reform Jew, according to the law of Moses and the law of averages." • Waldheim Says He Wasn't Even In Europe Habib To Mediate Religious Split Washington — President Reagan has appointed Special Envoy Philip Habib to help mediate the conflict between the Orthodox and non-Orthodox rabbinate in Israel. Calling the assignment "a difficult challenge that will make mediating the conflict in Lebanon look like a piece of Halvah," Habib immediately flew to Israel, first donning a black fedora hat and an open- necked Gucci silk shirt in an effort to satisfy both sides of the religious dispute. Habib reportedly will deputize Rabbi Yitz Greenfields to help in the effort, which calls for substituting the Who Is. A Jew debate with the question of Where Is A Jew and than taking the hour Holocaust documentary "The Sorrow And The Pity." Woody Allen has called the double-feature "the best thing since the Nuremberg Trials." Admission will include overnight accomodations, meals and handkerchief laundering service. , Vienna— Kurt Waldheim, the former Secretary General of the United Nations accused of being a Nazi during World War II, said he was not even in Europe during the War and was serving as a Hebrew school teacher and part- time cantor in Little Rock, Arkansas from 1940 to 1945. Waldheim, who is running for president of Austria, said his accent is not European but a native Southern drawl that he worked hard to overcome when he was' selected for the United Nations post. "Ah wanted to sound real sophisticated • for the.UN job, but heck, Ahm just a good ol' Sodthern boy," he exclaimed while' whittling a wooden Star of David during an interview. Told that no one remembered him in the Little Rock Jewish community, Waldheim shrugged and said, "You know how it is. Bein' a . chazzan or Hebrew school teacher is such a thankless job that ain't no , An. sent troops to a new buffer •zone in Atlanta, the corporate headquarters of Coke, and the world body voted to condemn Israel, calling softdrink consumption a Zionist plot. The UN vote was 146-0, with the U.S. and Liberia abstaining. Aliyalh For Baby Doc Jerusalem — Israel has been embarrassed by its decision to offer refuge to the ex-dictator. of Haiti, Jean Claude Duvalier. "We're so anxious for aliyah that we accepted him immediately," said a spokesman for the Ministry of Absorption and Immigration. "Besides, from his name, Baby Doc, we thought he was a pediatrician." Chrysler Prez Is Romancing The Stone . Washington — A con- gressional investigation has revealed that Lee Altekocker was recently fired as head of the Liberty-Ellis Island Centennial Commission because the White House feared that his long-time romance with the Statue of Liberty would become public knowledge. From time to time, according to the Senate report, gossip columnists have sought to amorously link Altekocker with the busty Miss Liberty. In the past, "hush money" from the Chrysler Corporation and pressure from the Oval Office were able to silence these reports. But after Altekocker squired the. Statue last month to several New York hot-spots, including the Copacabaria, the Stork Club and "21," for several nights of wining and dining and dancing, Washington political operatives feared that reports about the affair could no longer be squelched. "What does Lee see in her?'/ mused Liz Smith, who knows the couple well. "You .must remember that she's quiet but a good listener. She's statuesque and really built — especially after the face-lift she had, which I hear cost a fortune. And apparently it's finally all over between her and Ronald Reagan, although he's been carrying a torch for her since she arrived from France." . Former part-time cantor. one remembers ya. Damn • shame, too," he added as he spat on the floor: A Rome Shalom Vatican City — Pope John Paul made history today when he visited the local aynagogue in Rome, explaining that the visit was prompted by his looking inside his yarmulke when he took it off to go to sleep last night and noticing that it was from the Bar-Mitzvah of Alfredo Shapiro, Catering by Pizza by Pinchas. "I just wanted to return his yarmulke and ask him if maybe he'd taken mine by mistake,". said the Pope. , Lady Liberty steps out.