I’m a heavy sleeper. I wake
up everyday feeling like I’ve been
bulldozed over, rolling around
and fermenting in my conscious-
ness, like a grain malt steeping in
the darkness. Sometimes, espe-
cially recently, I’ve been carrying a
sapped, dragged energy through-
out my days, wishing that I’d get my
life more together but never really
having the spirit to do so, rolling
around and wishing I’d do some-
thing.
My other Immersion Edition
pitch was making ceramics, but the
higher-ups decided that fixing my
life was the more worthwhile pur-
suit. Maybe this is their way of stag-
ing an intervention. Maybe I also
definitely need it. So, in all its glory,
I present the Darrin-Zhou-get-
your-shit-together plan, as listed:
Components of the “75 hard”
program, including, per day:
- Exercising twice a day for 45 min-
utes, one workout being outdoors
- Reading 10 pages of a book
- Drinking one gallon of water
- Follow a diet of your choosing
- Meditating
- Wim Hof breathing
- Taking only cold showers
- Journaling in the morning
- Scheduling “worry time”
This is essentially everything
that I’ve wanted to start incorporat-
ing into my daily routines but have
never gotten around to actually do-
ing. Maybe it’s not a good idea to
plunge into the deep immediately,
but anything, even too much, is
better than nothing at this point.
So, let’s roll.
***
After a week of toil — Brussels
sprouts pastas and 7 a.m. work-
outs — I can satisfyingly report that
overall, resoundingly, the process
works. I feel great! If your goal was
to gain muscle and mentally feel
better, I’d recommend what I’m do-
ing now: meditation and Wim Hof
breathing are clinically effective
at decreasing anxiety and stress.
They’re both methods based in sci-
ence and they undoubtedly work.
My internal shit-togetherness index
is definitely higher, which is what I
underwent all this misery for in the
first place.
I look into the mirror at my-
self, and my physique has gotten
noticeably better. This is what I
wanted. But I don’t feel different. I
don’t feel like a better person, and
I’m certainly not satisfied.
Everything’s more routine
now: I wake up, journal, medi-
tate, eat, workout, shower, Wim
Hof breathe. Meditation clears
my mind, the workouts satiate my
body. For the first time in a while, I
don’t really feel stressed and I don’t
really feel anxious, which is amaz-
ing, but it’s not replaced with peace
and serenity; the empty space sits as
void. I feel empty.
I always thought if I just woke
up earlier, went to the gym more,
did all those mindfulness exercises
and read more, then I’d become
that person — I’d be happy — and
my current state was just at tension
with those actualized states of my
being, like electrons out of their
preferred orbits. Maybe, my think-
ing goes, if I just attacked those
details of my life with the ferocity I
know I have then I wouldn’t feel …
worthless.
But I’m here, and I’ve done all
those things, and what I’m left with
is not happiness but greed. Greed
for more time, for bigger muscles,
even more mental clarity and even
more out of every facet of my life.
If I only had more. When spring
comes I will be reborn, by midsum-
mer I will find love, and when the
ball drops on New Year’s Eve, I will
be the person I was always meant
to be. Midas’ hand beckons to me:
revel in this routine, in the comfort
of this siren’s call and you can feel
like you’re enough.You can feel
like you mean something.
I’m left with an urge for more
time. I downloaded Blinkist, an app
DARRIN ZHOU
Statement Columnist
Photo courtesy of Darrin Zhou
RILEY NIEBOER/Daily
4 — The Statement // Wednesday, March 8, 2023
The existential dread of self-improvement
Bedroom self-portrait.
Darrin Zhou works out in the Arboretum before sunrise Saturday, February 15.