I’m a heavy sleeper. I wake 
up everyday feeling like I’ve been 
bulldozed over, rolling around 
and fermenting in my conscious-
ness, like a grain malt steeping in 
the darkness. Sometimes, espe-
cially recently, I’ve been carrying a 
sapped, dragged energy through-
out my days, wishing that I’d get my 
life more together but never really 
having the spirit to do so, rolling 
around and wishing I’d do some-
thing.
My other Immersion Edition 
pitch was making ceramics, but the 
higher-ups decided that fixing my 
life was the more worthwhile pur-
suit. Maybe this is their way of stag-
ing an intervention. Maybe I also 
definitely need it. So, in all its glory, 
I present the Darrin-Zhou-get-
your-shit-together plan, as listed:
Components of the “75 hard” 
program, including, per day:
- Exercising twice a day for 45 min-
utes, one workout being outdoors
- Reading 10 pages of a book
- Drinking one gallon of water
- Follow a diet of your choosing
- Meditating

- Wim Hof breathing
- Taking only cold showers
- Journaling in the morning
- Scheduling “worry time”
This is essentially everything 
that I’ve wanted to start incorporat-
ing into my daily routines but have 
never gotten around to actually do-
ing. Maybe it’s not a good idea to 
plunge into the deep immediately, 
but anything, even too much, is 
better than nothing at this point. 
So, let’s roll. 
***
After a week of toil — Brussels 
sprouts pastas and 7 a.m. work-
outs — I can satisfyingly report that 
overall, resoundingly, the process 
works. I feel great! If your goal was 
to gain muscle and mentally feel 
better, I’d recommend what I’m do-
ing now: meditation and Wim Hof 
breathing are clinically effective 
at decreasing anxiety and stress. 
They’re both methods based in sci-
ence and they undoubtedly work. 
My internal shit-togetherness index 
is definitely higher, which is what I 
underwent all this misery for in the 
first place.
I look into the mirror at my-
self, and my physique has gotten 
noticeably better. This is what I 
wanted. But I don’t feel different. I 

don’t feel like a better person, and 
I’m certainly not satisfied.
Everything’s more routine 
now: I wake up, journal, medi-
tate, eat, workout, shower, Wim 
Hof breathe. Meditation clears 
my mind, the workouts satiate my 
body. For the first time in a while, I 
don’t really feel stressed and I don’t 
really feel anxious, which is amaz-
ing, but it’s not replaced with peace 
and serenity; the empty space sits as 
void. I feel empty.
I always thought if I just woke 
up earlier, went to the gym more, 
did all those mindfulness exercises 
and read more, then I’d become 
that person — I’d be happy — and 
my current state was just at tension 
with those actualized states of my 
being, like electrons out of their 
preferred orbits. Maybe, my think-
ing goes, if I just attacked those 
details of my life with the ferocity I 
know I have then I wouldn’t feel … 
worthless.
But I’m here, and I’ve done all 
those things, and what I’m left with 
is not happiness but greed. Greed 
for more time, for bigger muscles, 
even more mental clarity and even 
more out of every facet of my life. 
If I only had more. When spring 
comes I will be reborn, by midsum-

mer I will find love, and when the 
ball drops on New Year’s Eve, I will 
be the person I was always meant 
to be. Midas’ hand beckons to me: 
revel in this routine, in the comfort 

of this siren’s call and you can feel 
like you’re enough.You can feel 
like you mean something. 
I’m left with an urge for more 
time. I downloaded Blinkist, an app 

 DARRIN ZHOU
Statement Columnist

Photo courtesy of Darrin Zhou

RILEY NIEBOER/Daily

4 — The Statement // Wednesday, March 8, 2023
The existential dread of self-improvement

Bedroom self-portrait.

Darrin Zhou works out in the Arboretum before sunrise Saturday, February 15.