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October 03, 2019 - Image 9

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The Michigan Daily

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The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com
b-side
Thursday, October 3, 2019 — 3B

Does anyone else remember an online
rumor that claimed Devon Werkheiser,
most famous for playing Ned on “Ned’s
Declassified School Survival Guide,” was
6’ 3’’? No? Well I do, and turns out it’s
false. He’s 5’ 9’’, and his voice has not
gotten any deeper since 2007. And he wears
neckerchiefs unironically now. What does
this have to do with anything? Something!
Because this week, we’re talking paper over
at The Michigan Daily Arts section! And
what is the most famous collection of paper
on television? No, not Joel Osteen’s Bible
— it’s Ned’s sick camouflage composition
notebook.
Although I would have liked to bring
you the kind of content you deserve today
(Top 10 James “Cookie” Cook Moments
or a deeper analysis into what the blonde
basketball kid did for white players in the
NBA), I must redirect to investigate. Why is
“Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide”
impossible to find online? Of all of the
shows to be pirated online, I thought that
for sure “Ned’s” would be an easy find. It
ran nearly two decades ago for three short
seasons and never racked up that many Kids’
Choice Awards. It wasn’t a network darling
like “iCarly” or “Spongebob Squarepants,”
so I could not imagine why protecting its
distribution online would be a top priority.
But, after looking through almost every
streaming platform and through several
misleading YouTube playlists, I could only
find the pilot episode on Dailymotion, the
Yahoo of video-sharing websites.
In keeping with the theme, there’s just
no paper trail. Get it? Please applaud me.
Hear me out on this, but I think
Nickelodeon might be trying to bury
the show. It wouldn’t be the first time
they tried to wipe good shows from our
memory. Remember “ChalkZone?” Your
subconscious does.
“Ned’s
Declassified
School
Survival
Guide” was created by showrunner Scott
Fellows, a man with a storied history at
Nickelodeon. In addition to serving as the
head writer on “The Fairly OddParents”
for a number of years, he also created “Big
Time Rush.” Direct your hate mail to him.
I bring up the B-list boyband specifically
because their show, in its entirety, is
currently available on Hulu. “Big Time
Rush” was never that successful before
the dawn of One Direction, and especially
not after, so I have to wonder, why did
executives at Nickelodeon choose that
show to be streamed and remembered and
not the show that gave us Coconut Head
and Backpack Boy? In a lot of ways the
shows are very similar, despite one being
about a boy-band of hockey players from

Minnesota and the other following the
everyday lives of middle schoolers. Both
shows share the same farcical humor,
and both shows’ rapid-fire sound effects
contributed to my short attention span. So
why the preference?
In a lot of ways the streaming world
could benefit from a show like “Ned’s
Declassified
School
Survival
Guide.”
Kids these days need substance, and Ned
delivered good, clean fun that the whole
family could enjoy. Maybe, just maybe, if
Ned Bigby was available to Generation Z,
TikTok wouldn’t be getting so big. Just a
thought. If this reflection on paper has
done anything for you, I hope it inspires
you to write your local congressman and
demand that “Ned’s Declassified School
Survival Guide” be resurrected for online
consumption.
P.S. Did you know Moze and Ned totally
dated in real life?

Be brave enough to never
forget ‘Ned’s Declassified’

ALLY OWENS
Daily TV Editor

NICKELODEON

Paper can burn, but the feelings it gave us
don’t turn to ash that easily. Honor true love by
rejecting materialism — who needs diamonds
anyway?

B-SIDE: TV NOTEBOOK

What is Paper Magazine? The simplistic covers
leave everything to the imagination. There are no
headlines, simply a celebrity’s brooding face and a title
for the issue, and that’s it, that’s the cover. Given the
industry convention of catchy titles hinting at how
to have an orgasm, why does Paper still manage to
capture our attention?
Obviously, the magazine’s covers grab attention,
but beyond that, what makes them different from
other
fashion
magazines?
Among
the
typical
coverage of celebrities and pop culture, the magazine
has highlighted Colin Kaepernick’s “Know Your
Rights Camp” in a series of 10 interviews curated by
Kaepernick himself. Though the set of articles was
released in August, the magazine still highlights all ten
through a tab on their homepage. Rather than letting
Kaepernick’s conversation lapse, like most outlets tend
to do, Paper has made sure their readers are reminded
of these issues every time they’re looking for the latest
fashion trends.

Or maybe it’s the people behind the magazine that
keep us hooked. Kim Hastreiter and Drew Elliott
started the New York-based publication in 1984 and
for the past 35 years it has managed to stay relevant.
Hastreiter, according to a profile by The New York
Times, is an editor like no other. She’s one of the most
influential people in the city, but that doesn’t stop her
from eating dinner with her intern, or whoever she
senses might be the next big thing in art. She’s a flexible
personality spanning all aspects of culture in the city,
a persona that manifests itself in the magazine. But
she’s not alone. Drew Elliott, her co-founder, was the
one who wanted to create the Kim Kardashian cover
that would eventually bring 50 million views to the
website in one day. Elliott has been quoted as saying
he’d sooner look at Disney than Vogue when looking
for ways to expand the brand (a sharp observation,
considering the media event that was Spider-Man
having to leave the MCU this past summer).
Even as the magazine intends to remain cutting-
edge, Paper is still a fashion and contemporary media
outlet. As such, coverage of Kylie Jenner’s latest illness
and Bella Thorne’s new porn award are mixed in
with West Coast artists exploring the importance of
accepting our bodies. Striking this balance between
the “pop” and “culture” of a pop culture publication
is what sets Paper apart from magazines like
Cosmopolitan or even Vogue. With a separate tab
simply labeled “Art,” Paper doesn’t force its readers to
sift through mounds of articles and graphics. Instead,
it’s an easy grab straight from the homepage.
Whatever your thoughts are about Paper Magazine,
there’s no doubt that the publication knows how to
captivate an audience. From their enigmatic editors to
a diverse level of content, the role Paper plays in the
world of fashion is pivotal — it puts activists, celebrities
and brand-new artists on the same level. Paper
endeavors to tear down whatever arbitrary walls we
encounter in most pop culture publications, instead
opting to create a world where everyone is anyone and
an assistant can rub elbows with the likes of Rihanna.

Paper cuts with Paper Mag

EMMA CHANG
Senior Arts Editor

B-SIDE: STYLE NOTEBOOK

It is easy to view love as materialistic. A day
meant to celebrate it is associated with outlandish
gifts and gaudy chocolate boxes. The proposal
that starts the rest of your life is linked forever to
an expensive gem, and the wedding that proceeds
that proposal can rack up a pretty hefty price tag.
When romance is portrayed on TV or in movies, it is
accompanied by expensive dinner dates with fading
candle light or Tiffany boxes stuffed secretly in a
loved one’s jacket pocket. Given all of this, it may
seem to the cynical eye that the meaning of love
is to buy, to indulge, to show off. Perhaps I am an
optimist, but I believe it’s quite the opposite.
There is a long list of gifts that traditionally
coincide with a wedding anniversary. The fifth year
is wood, 10th is tin, 15th is crystal and so on. Among
this list, there is one material that sticks out the
most to me — paper. That is the medium suggested
for a first anniversary wedding gift. Plain old,
traditional paper. Upon further investigation, paper
as a first anniversary present is meant to represent
the fragility of the young relationship. Well, no
offense to whatever Old English town crier declared
that, but they made some glaring mistakes.
Who dares to suggest the first year is when the
couple is at their most fragile? I would have to
argue that it’s the fifth, when a routine has been
established, or maybe the 20th, when the kids have
moved away and there is nothing but empty silence
to fill the house anymore. But the first? Waking up
on my first-ever first anniversary was like being a
child at Christmas again. In the time the Earth
completed her long orbit around the sun, I had
found my own source of warmth — nothing about
it felt breakable.
Paper does not constitute fragility, but strength.
Strength to put your feelings and thoughts down
on a page. Strength to be vulnerable and to share
that with someone else. It is inherently romantic.
Whether it’s the way a new book smells the first
time you crack the spine or the feeling of a new pen
gliding over crisp parchment, there is love in every
detail.
As I sit in my bedroom writing this piece, I am
surrounded by little slips of adoration. Taped onto
my wall above me are cards from someone I love

— silly designs printed on folds that open to reveal
affection scrawled in ballpoint pen. On my bedside
table is an impromptu poem given to my mother
about her children, written out by a typewriter. “No
contract attached / Signed my name on your sweet
bones / Vowed to love always.” To my side are rows
of pictures. Moments frozen in time, printed on a
glossy piece of paper to reflect on and remember.
Posters of my favorite lyrics, a business card of a
restaurant that reminds me of my grandparents,
photostrips catching me at my most candid. I am
surrounded by paper, and in turn, surrounded by
love.
Will paper ever be eradicated? Maybe in
production, but never in meaning. Paper connects
us to loves lost and loves found and loves soon to
be. I can hold in my hands the wedding invitation
for my grandparents. I can flip through a scrapbook
documenting my childhood. I can open a book
yellowed with age and see the markings of a hundred
that read it before me. So is paper really the most
mediocre of materials? Is it really only a gift to give
with someone you may not be with the next year?
Paper can burn, but the feelings it gave us don’t
turn to ash that easily. Honor true love by rejecting
materialism — who needs diamonds anyway?

I love you, here’s some paper

SAMANTHA DELLA FERA
Senior Arts Editor

B-SIDE: PERSONAL NOTEBOOK

Hear me out on
this, but I think
Nickelodeon might
be trying to bury the
show. It wouldn’t be
the first time they
tried to wipe good
shows from our
memory: Remember
“ChalkZone”?

In keeping with the theme, there’s just no
paper trail. Get it? Please applaud me.

Who dares to suggest
the first year is when
the couple is at their
most fragile?

Obviously, the magazine’s
covers grab attention, but
beyond that, what makes
them different from other
fashion magazines?

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