The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com b-side Thursday, October 3, 2019 — 3B Does anyone else remember an online rumor that claimed Devon Werkheiser, most famous for playing Ned on “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide,” was 6’ 3’’? No? Well I do, and turns out it’s false. He’s 5’ 9’’, and his voice has not gotten any deeper since 2007. And he wears neckerchiefs unironically now. What does this have to do with anything? Something! Because this week, we’re talking paper over at The Michigan Daily Arts section! And what is the most famous collection of paper on television? No, not Joel Osteen’s Bible — it’s Ned’s sick camouflage composition notebook. Although I would have liked to bring you the kind of content you deserve today (Top 10 James “Cookie” Cook Moments or a deeper analysis into what the blonde basketball kid did for white players in the NBA), I must redirect to investigate. Why is “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide” impossible to find online? Of all of the shows to be pirated online, I thought that for sure “Ned’s” would be an easy find. It ran nearly two decades ago for three short seasons and never racked up that many Kids’ Choice Awards. It wasn’t a network darling like “iCarly” or “Spongebob Squarepants,” so I could not imagine why protecting its distribution online would be a top priority. But, after looking through almost every streaming platform and through several misleading YouTube playlists, I could only find the pilot episode on Dailymotion, the Yahoo of video-sharing websites. In keeping with the theme, there’s just no paper trail. Get it? Please applaud me. Hear me out on this, but I think Nickelodeon might be trying to bury the show. It wouldn’t be the first time they tried to wipe good shows from our memory. Remember “ChalkZone?” Your subconscious does. “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide” was created by showrunner Scott Fellows, a man with a storied history at Nickelodeon. In addition to serving as the head writer on “The Fairly OddParents” for a number of years, he also created “Big Time Rush.” Direct your hate mail to him. I bring up the B-list boyband specifically because their show, in its entirety, is currently available on Hulu. “Big Time Rush” was never that successful before the dawn of One Direction, and especially not after, so I have to wonder, why did executives at Nickelodeon choose that show to be streamed and remembered and not the show that gave us Coconut Head and Backpack Boy? In a lot of ways the shows are very similar, despite one being about a boy-band of hockey players from Minnesota and the other following the everyday lives of middle schoolers. Both shows share the same farcical humor, and both shows’ rapid-fire sound effects contributed to my short attention span. So why the preference? In a lot of ways the streaming world could benefit from a show like “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide.” Kids these days need substance, and Ned delivered good, clean fun that the whole family could enjoy. Maybe, just maybe, if Ned Bigby was available to Generation Z, TikTok wouldn’t be getting so big. Just a thought. If this reflection on paper has done anything for you, I hope it inspires you to write your local congressman and demand that “Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide” be resurrected for online consumption. P.S. Did you know Moze and Ned totally dated in real life? Be brave enough to never forget ‘Ned’s Declassified’ ALLY OWENS Daily TV Editor NICKELODEON Paper can burn, but the feelings it gave us don’t turn to ash that easily. Honor true love by rejecting materialism — who needs diamonds anyway? B-SIDE: TV NOTEBOOK What is Paper Magazine? The simplistic covers leave everything to the imagination. There are no headlines, simply a celebrity’s brooding face and a title for the issue, and that’s it, that’s the cover. Given the industry convention of catchy titles hinting at how to have an orgasm, why does Paper still manage to capture our attention? Obviously, the magazine’s covers grab attention, but beyond that, what makes them different from other fashion magazines? Among the typical coverage of celebrities and pop culture, the magazine has highlighted Colin Kaepernick’s “Know Your Rights Camp” in a series of 10 interviews curated by Kaepernick himself. Though the set of articles was released in August, the magazine still highlights all ten through a tab on their homepage. Rather than letting Kaepernick’s conversation lapse, like most outlets tend to do, Paper has made sure their readers are reminded of these issues every time they’re looking for the latest fashion trends. Or maybe it’s the people behind the magazine that keep us hooked. Kim Hastreiter and Drew Elliott started the New York-based publication in 1984 and for the past 35 years it has managed to stay relevant. Hastreiter, according to a profile by The New York Times, is an editor like no other. She’s one of the most influential people in the city, but that doesn’t stop her from eating dinner with her intern, or whoever she senses might be the next big thing in art. She’s a flexible personality spanning all aspects of culture in the city, a persona that manifests itself in the magazine. But she’s not alone. Drew Elliott, her co-founder, was the one who wanted to create the Kim Kardashian cover that would eventually bring 50 million views to the website in one day. Elliott has been quoted as saying he’d sooner look at Disney than Vogue when looking for ways to expand the brand (a sharp observation, considering the media event that was Spider-Man having to leave the MCU this past summer). Even as the magazine intends to remain cutting- edge, Paper is still a fashion and contemporary media outlet. As such, coverage of Kylie Jenner’s latest illness and Bella Thorne’s new porn award are mixed in with West Coast artists exploring the importance of accepting our bodies. Striking this balance between the “pop” and “culture” of a pop culture publication is what sets Paper apart from magazines like Cosmopolitan or even Vogue. With a separate tab simply labeled “Art,” Paper doesn’t force its readers to sift through mounds of articles and graphics. Instead, it’s an easy grab straight from the homepage. Whatever your thoughts are about Paper Magazine, there’s no doubt that the publication knows how to captivate an audience. From their enigmatic editors to a diverse level of content, the role Paper plays in the world of fashion is pivotal — it puts activists, celebrities and brand-new artists on the same level. Paper endeavors to tear down whatever arbitrary walls we encounter in most pop culture publications, instead opting to create a world where everyone is anyone and an assistant can rub elbows with the likes of Rihanna. Paper cuts with Paper Mag EMMA CHANG Senior Arts Editor B-SIDE: STYLE NOTEBOOK It is easy to view love as materialistic. A day meant to celebrate it is associated with outlandish gifts and gaudy chocolate boxes. The proposal that starts the rest of your life is linked forever to an expensive gem, and the wedding that proceeds that proposal can rack up a pretty hefty price tag. When romance is portrayed on TV or in movies, it is accompanied by expensive dinner dates with fading candle light or Tiffany boxes stuffed secretly in a loved one’s jacket pocket. Given all of this, it may seem to the cynical eye that the meaning of love is to buy, to indulge, to show off. Perhaps I am an optimist, but I believe it’s quite the opposite. There is a long list of gifts that traditionally coincide with a wedding anniversary. The fifth year is wood, 10th is tin, 15th is crystal and so on. Among this list, there is one material that sticks out the most to me — paper. That is the medium suggested for a first anniversary wedding gift. Plain old, traditional paper. Upon further investigation, paper as a first anniversary present is meant to represent the fragility of the young relationship. Well, no offense to whatever Old English town crier declared that, but they made some glaring mistakes. Who dares to suggest the first year is when the couple is at their most fragile? I would have to argue that it’s the fifth, when a routine has been established, or maybe the 20th, when the kids have moved away and there is nothing but empty silence to fill the house anymore. But the first? Waking up on my first-ever first anniversary was like being a child at Christmas again. In the time the Earth completed her long orbit around the sun, I had found my own source of warmth — nothing about it felt breakable. Paper does not constitute fragility, but strength. Strength to put your feelings and thoughts down on a page. Strength to be vulnerable and to share that with someone else. It is inherently romantic. Whether it’s the way a new book smells the first time you crack the spine or the feeling of a new pen gliding over crisp parchment, there is love in every detail. As I sit in my bedroom writing this piece, I am surrounded by little slips of adoration. Taped onto my wall above me are cards from someone I love — silly designs printed on folds that open to reveal affection scrawled in ballpoint pen. On my bedside table is an impromptu poem given to my mother about her children, written out by a typewriter. “No contract attached / Signed my name on your sweet bones / Vowed to love always.” To my side are rows of pictures. Moments frozen in time, printed on a glossy piece of paper to reflect on and remember. Posters of my favorite lyrics, a business card of a restaurant that reminds me of my grandparents, photostrips catching me at my most candid. I am surrounded by paper, and in turn, surrounded by love. Will paper ever be eradicated? Maybe in production, but never in meaning. Paper connects us to loves lost and loves found and loves soon to be. I can hold in my hands the wedding invitation for my grandparents. I can flip through a scrapbook documenting my childhood. I can open a book yellowed with age and see the markings of a hundred that read it before me. So is paper really the most mediocre of materials? Is it really only a gift to give with someone you may not be with the next year? Paper can burn, but the feelings it gave us don’t turn to ash that easily. Honor true love by rejecting materialism — who needs diamonds anyway? I love you, here’s some paper SAMANTHA DELLA FERA Senior Arts Editor B-SIDE: PERSONAL NOTEBOOK Hear me out on this, but I think Nickelodeon might be trying to bury the show. It wouldn’t be the first time they tried to wipe good shows from our memory: Remember “ChalkZone”? In keeping with the theme, there’s just no paper trail. Get it? Please applaud me. Who dares to suggest the first year is when the couple is at their most fragile? Obviously, the magazine’s covers grab attention, but beyond that, what makes them different from other fashion magazines?