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Thursday, June 22, 2017
The Michigan Daily — michigandaily.com MICHIGAN IN COLOR
quated system of societal expec-
tations. Looking out from your
own community at the world in
front of you, you’re only ever told
by those inside of it to submit to
what is the norm of those around
you, and in that regard you try to
do your best to conform.
Pride in itself is not a pride-
ful trait; to freely boast your
strengths and exist as yourself in
any raw and uninhibited form is a
symbol of anything but pride, but
rather the most profound weak-
ness. It’s a largely cultural aspect
for where these views come from.
There’s like this unspoken sin to
deviate from conformity in the
Vietnamese community I came
from, and not only being out, but
being openly out is seen as just
about the pinnacle of all sins, on
par with not taking your shoes off
when you come inside and disre-
specting your elders. So much of
my culture is marked by obedi-
ence and reverence to our elders
and following long held tradi-
tions, so to deviate from common
practice is just about the worst
possible thing you could ever do.
It was the amalgamation of all
of these things that made me so
scared and forced me to hide for
so long. I became very familiar
with the closet, so the moment
where I didn’t feel the need to
hide in there anymore, I chose to
take every opportunity to become
myself and make up for lost time.
To be gay is to be resilient, but
it is an incredibly lonely place to
come of age in. Nobody ever tells
you how incredibly lonely it can
be. You grow up questioning these
expectations placed upon you
before you have the vocabulary
to be able to vocalize and defend
yourself. You grow up bombarded
by both media that does not rep-
On pride
and being
out
By KHANG HUYNH
Michigan in Color Contributor
For eighteen years of my life my
mother’s arms were the warmest
home I ever knew. A home for
when I felt scared or lonely or
sad. What an actual home lacked
in structural support, my mother
made up for in love and kindness.
For eighteen years this home
allowed me to grow and learn and
supported me in every endeavor
until the day I felt this unnerving
urge to tell her that I was gay. No,
that I am gay. Like I mean I was
gay in the past tense as I retell
this story but I also still am very
gay and like … you get my point.
Okay but anyways, at this point
in my life, everyone except my
immediate family knew of me
being gay, like it wasn’t really
hard to guess; I didn’t really try
to hide it. Like even if I was trying
to hide it, I wasn’t doing that hot
of a job at doing so. Why was it so
hard to tell the most loving per-
son in my life what I had openly
told to so many strangers before?
Okay to be fair, coming out to
strangers and friends never war-
ranted the fear of being kicked
out of my own home, which was a
valid excuse for me to hide myself
for so long to my own mother. I
don’t really remember exactly
what led up to me finally com-
ing out to my her; everything’s
just really hazy and sad, but I do
remember that it just really need-
ed to be done, and as I was tell-
ing her what I needed to tell her, I
was doing so through this flood of
tears, and it wasn’t anything cute
either. I cried so hard my contact
lenses fell out and my entire face
was swelling up from the tears
and the snot … It was the imme-
diate opposite aesthetic of this
emotionally strong and well-put-
together person that I try so hard
to build up as myself. As I was
going through this profoundly
hideous breakdown, my mother
didn’t really know what to do. She
tried to tell me it was okay but she
also didn’t want to touch or hold
me. This home she had built for
me couldn’t hold the well of emo-
tions she was feeling. She just
told me that things would be okay
in between my teary gasping and
just sat at the side of my bed for
awhile.
We don’t really talk about it
now. You know the whole gay
thing. Like it’s just something we
both know is there but neglect to
bring up like some big fabulously
gay elephant in the room. But the
fact of the matter was that I was
out. I didn’t need to hide any-
more.
Coming out and being out is
this really weird and often real-
ly touchy subject that’s unique
to
the
LGBTQ+
community.
Everyone who is out in this com-
munity has their own story of
how their coming out went that
ranges anywhere from pleasant
to heartbreaking. Like much of
everything else in the world, it’s
a spectrum from good to bad to
maybe even horrendous, but it’s
also not this once in a lifetime
event either. Something that a lot
of people don’t realize is that com-
ing out isn’t this end all be all. It’s
a reoccurring event. I will always
have to come out to every person I
meet in some way or another, ver-
bal or otherwise. I feel like this
is where I can explain the bulk
of my personality; it’s so much
easier to be overtly and openly
gay and make things very clear
right up front than to have to say
that you are gay to every person
that you meet. It’s not that I feel
any shame in being gay, but it’s
just different to have to say that
you are something as opposed to
just freely being it. The only thing
was, this practice of my open
gayness was a newfound source
of contention; the home of this
social friction I would feel from
so many people.
There’s something very sub-
versive
about
simultaneously
being Asian and being openly gay.
From both the outside looking
in and inside looking out you’re
almost required to uphold this
certain group of expectations for
yourself that contradict the very
core of being out and being proud
of yourself. Looking in from the
outside world you’re expected to
be this submissive figure of con-
formity. All that you say and do
must follow a stringent mold of
what is expected from you; you
know, the whole model minor-
ity bullshit and all that comes
from it. What is expected of you
is silence. Nobody likes to hear
from a loud gay, and god forbid
hearing things from an Asian one
who has meaningful things to say
when all that is expected from
them is obedience to an anti-
resent you and systems of hatred
and prejudice that force you to
hide for so much of your life out of
this fear that the feelings of guilt,
self-hatred and fear itself become
a part of your identity. Nobody
really speaks about how exhaust-
ing it is to have to validate your
right to coexist. You feel as if your
queerness is unwelcome in these
overwhelmingly unqueer spaces.
The thing is, nobody ever asks to
be gay. Nobody asks to be treated
like how so many of us have been
and have to overcome the many
struggles that our identity brings
to us, but to be gay is to also be an
overwhelming pillar of strength.
In helping others, you bring up
these memories that aren’t always
easy to retell to yourself, let alone
others, but in doing so, you kind
of get to see how strong you are,
to have overcome the many hard-
ships that being gay can bring to
you. It’s like you’ve almost forgot-
ten all that you’ve needed to do to
simply be here today. I find praise
from others at my uninhibited
love and expression of my identity
so strange sometimes. Like why
wouldn’t you want to freely be
yourself? I would always find their
kind words to be so … off putting?
But then I remember that sim-
ply being gay in itself is an act of
resistance and it’s a privilege that
is not afforded to everyone. Being
gay and being out is a powerful act
of declaring your right to simply
exist at all. You have to be proud
of yourself and all you have been
through, a practice much easier
said than done.
I feel like that is the defining
message of gay pride and pride
month. You acknowledge the pain
and difficulty both you and your
community have not only gone
through, but overcome as well.
Not only have we survived, but
we have thrived and shall con-
tinue to do so. We have this huge
shared experience of learning to
love ourselves, and the journey
toward doing so is not always an
easy one. It’s this journey some-
times marked with more downs
than ups, and I feel like I’m just
throwing out these analogies and
sayings, but that’s just really how
it really feels. From being beaten
down so many times you grow this
thick skin, both good and bad in its
effects, but I think the major idea
of pride is that we cannot close in
on ourselves. We can’t close in on
ourselves and expect a change to
come. This thick skin of ours was
formed to deflect the hatred of
others and allow us a closer under-
standing of those like us. I think
the ultimate end goal would be to
learn for ourselves how our ideal
sense of self resonates and reflects
in the context of the greater com-
munity. We must learn how to
coexist and take care of one anoth-
er and learn to grow from our
shared hardships. In doing so, we
can truly resonate with the love,
happiness and empathy behind
what it truly means to be prideful.
To be gay is
to be resilient,
but it is an
incredibly
lonely place to
come of age
in.