H
ow did you do it?
Maybe
how
isn’t
the
right question. The logis-
tics of “how” began when mom filed
the paperwork and you moved out. You
belabored the legal process with unlaw-
ful tactics in the courtroom, certainly
not on behalf of me and my brother.
The asinine time span — nearly nine
years — was of your choosing. Were you
aware the average time to complete a
divorce is about 11 months? You were
disrespectful,
malicious,
accusatory
and immature. You neglected us, you
lied to us, you forced me and Jonathon
into situations that were unnecessary
and painful. Throughout the divorce
process, you did not once ask for par-
enting time. Mom took over the job you
so quickly disregarded.
Years later, we received notice that
you were requesting parenting time.
I was 13, and Jonathon was 17. I didn’t
want “parenting time” with you after
the divorce — I didn’t want to “strength-
en” a toxic relationship.
The phrase “parenting time” always
bewildered me. Shouldn’t the right to
see your children on a more frequent
basis be granted to actual parents? It
boggles my mind that, every day in the
United States, parenting time is granted
to parents who have previously over-
looked and recklessly weaseled out of
their responsibilities.
Parenthood is exemplified by the
outstanding effort Mom put forth —
and continues to do so today, mind you,
despite my legal adulthood. In times of
hardship, sickness and the ever-return-
ing vengeance of the malignant biologi-
cal father of her children, she’s there.
Creating and bringing a child into the
world, although something I have yet to
experience, is something that requires
great
responsibility,
initiative
and
strength. You may have kids, but this
does not make you a parent. It is up to
the parents of a child to raise, foster,
encourage and provide the necessary
resources within their means to main-
tain the quality of life for that child. Par-
enthood requires effort, selflessness,
acceptance,
nurturing,
spontaneity,
flexibility and reassurance. Parenthood
is about instilling in a child a sense of
confidence, safety and belonging. And
if the parent does not encourage these
things, how can the child trust that the
rest of the world will either?
Mom let you see us frequently on
the weekends, and encouraged me and
Jonathon to “have a relationship with
our father.” Every holiday, she helped
us arrange time for you to see us, taking
you into her home to foster a relation-
ship with her children, who — at the
start of the divorce — were just 6 and
10. Every chance she had, she tried to
encourage us — the children she unex-
pectedly had to raise on her own — to
see our father — the man who disre-
garded her and his responsibilities.
The facts of our case I understand.
But, considering the standing of our
relationship, what I possibly might
never understand is: How did you do it?
I don’t understand how you left your
wife to take care of your two young
children on her own with little, if any,
support. Or how you abandoned your
home, your responsibilities and forced
adversity into our lives. Only after seven
years of having to avoid Father’s Day
for fear of crying in front of the other
kids cutting out paper ties for their own
dads did you decide to emerge from
an abyss of neglectful and emotionally
abusive parenting. Only after the “dad-
dy-daughter” dances ended did you
decide to resurface as an illusory par-
ent, artificially ready to take on the role
as Dad. Only after you gave Mom no
other choice but to take on the role as
not one parent, but two, did you finally
decide it was time to materialize from
the proverbial woodwork and dem-
onstrate that you “cared.” It seemed
as though you intentionally subjected
me and Jonathon to these moments of
neglect, just so you could make your
debut as “Dad” — and even then, only at
times that were convenient to you. How
did you do it?
“I want to spend time with you,” you
told me time and time again when I
asked why, seven years after the papers
were filed, you decided to re-enter our
lives. I found it both painfully comical
and hard to believe, considering you
expressed no interest in spending time
with me between ages 6 and 13.
There is a stigma attached to girls
who grow up without a father. Peo-
ple see children who are products of
divorce as less successful, less men-
tally secure and less likely to enter
into healthy relationships. Fortunately,
Mom was able to ensure Jonathon and
I would not be a product of these stig-
mas. I can’t imagine what would have
happened if she decided to make the
same decisions you had and refused
to acknowledge the responsibility that
she willingly took on. I can’t imagine if
both of my parents neglected their jobs
for no reason other than an inability to
recognize the necessity of selflessness.
Other children who have experienced
divorce might not be so lucky to have
one parent who can do the job of both.
There is a stigma behind girls who
grow up without a father. I always
thought it was ironic that girls were
said to have “daddy issues.” Between
you and me, I don’t view myself as the
one who fits into this stigma. After all, I
have confidence that my mother raised
me properly enough to know I would
never have the heart — or lack thereof
— to abandon my own children.
I was successful throughout high
school, making way for the fact that I
now attend a phenomenal University
— no thanks to guidance and support
from the paternal side of my lineage.
I was able to participate in numerous
extracurriculars throughout childhood
and adolescence, joining organizations
and racking up service hours. I was able
to gain lifelong friendships and foster
my faith. Despite being cursed with one
parent who clearly was selfish, imma-
ture and malevolent, I was also blessed
with an equally selfless, mature and
benevolent mother who is responsible
for me becoming the person I am today.
I’m forever grateful for the opportuni-
ties my mom ensured I could have the
opportunities you denied me.
Your apathy created a situation
which forced your own children into
growing up fast. You denied me of the
opportunity of having a father, who
was supposed to take on the role of not
only dad, but friend, mentor, guide and
protector. When it came down to it, I
never had Dad to play baseball with. I
never had Dad to help me make Mom
breakfast-in-bed on Mother’s Day. And
I never had Dad to wait at the front
door and pretend to intimidate the boy
I would go on a date with. Even after all
this turmoil, I still don’t.
Why should you request the rights
that dads are given, when you never did
the things a “dad” is supposed to do?
After essentially being absent for
years, how did you do it?
The day I turned 18, I felt comforted
by the liberties I would be awarded.
Mom no longer had to encourage me to
call you on your birthday, or ask if I was
going to get you a Christmas gift. I knew
you could no longer pull any erroneous
legal shenanigans. I knew I would no
longer be tied to a past of hating you
and having parenting time “every other
Saturday 2-5 p.m. unless the child and
parent agrees to arrange otherwise.”
Now, years after I last interacted with
you, I think you probably believe you
left our home in ashes. You are prob-
ably happy with the way things went
— you were able to start a new life, leav-
ing Mom, Jonathon and me behind and
forgotten, disregarded once more. You
certainly don’t take the phrase “out of
sight, out of mind” lightly.
Unfortunately for you, I’ve never
been more content in my life than I
have in the time I haven’t been forced
to interact with you. I feel mentally
refreshed and independent. No lon-
ger do I have the weight of seeing my
father shackled to my existence. I have
overcome the stigmas and misconcep-
tions. I have one parent, and a damn
good one at that. I don’t have you in
my life. And I’m happy.
Wednesday, February 1, 2017 // The Statement
7B
by Alexa St. John, Managing News Editor
Personal Statement: An Open Letter to my Absent Father
ILLUSTRATION BY KATIE SPAK