3B
D
ear Google,
I’ve been in a few relationships, and
whenever I’ve had sex, I always have
felt so excited at first and then quickly just …
disappointed. What can I do to not feel this
disappointment? Do I need to lower my expec-
tations to be more realistic or have I just not
found the one, magical guy that will make me
feel spectacular in bed?
Sincerely,
Insufficient Intercourse
***
Dear Insufficient Intercourse,
Maybe I haven’t seen enough male butts in my
life, but frankly I was under the naive impression
that if you’ve seen one man’s butt, you’ve seen
them all.
This turned out not to be true, and it’s these
kind of little surprises that I believe impact a
person’s ability to enjoy sex: maybe for me it
was a butt that was a little more hairy than I had
imagined, but for others it’s sweat or gross human
liquids or unexpected noises or any of the other
messy, uncomfortable possibilities that arise when
doing something as intimate as having sex.
This moment, when I felt a little disappointed
by the realities of the little things that sex often
includes, became a silly thing I tease my boy-
friend about. It did not become a reason to feel
underwhelmed sexually. Maybe for you it is more
than just dealing with real, non-porno sex, but I
think it’s pretty common for men and women to
enter into relationships — or hook ups, etc. — with
extraordinarily high expectations for their sexual
experience.
Society’s influence on sex is so penetrative into
our lives I have to think feelings of disappointment
are inevitable. The reality of sex is this: the person
you are having sex with is probably a human and,
as such, have all of these gross human functions
and illogical feelings. And you, assuming you are
also a human, do to.
So it’s really fucking messy in more ways than
one — emotionally complicated and physically
confusing.
It’s what gives intimate moments their worth.
It is difficult, at times. Being uncomfortable is
something I sort of crave, though. I feel filled up by
silences that result from a complete loss of words
in these compromising situations. I feel thrilled
by the vulnerability of it all. It feels difficult, but
genuine.
And so, I’m dating a guy whose butt is, like, real-
ly extraordinarily hairy. (I wish I could include a
photo but I feel like my editor would object.) But
it’s so him, and there’s something interesting when
you share with a person the things about you that
you can’t change — the things you don’t necessarily
like, but that just are unequivocally, you.
So I’ll leave you with this Beyonce lyric, and ask
you to find beauty in the realities of sex, the details
and the impropriety of it all.
She sings, “You showed your ass and I … I saw
the real you.” I think she’s talking about a man
with a hairy butt.
Sincerely,
Emma
Dear Google: Bedrooms, butts, and bad news
B Y E M M A K E R R
LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
ON THE
RECORD
“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.”
— MARILYN MONROE
“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is
about power.”
— OSCAR WILDE
“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are
just people to have fun with.”
— CARRIE BRADSHAW, “SEX IN THE CITY”
“There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A
peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.”
— BILLY JOEL
“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright
to free his hands for masturbation.”
— LILY TOMLIN
ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHERYLL VICTUELLES
This week, our 700 survey respondents gave some choice answers as
to where they enjoy getting their groove on most. We came up with a
few more unique options if the regular spots bore you.
THE LIST
THE BLOCK ‘M’
Legend has it that if you get in it on the ‘M’ midday on a Tuesday,
you will pass your blue book exam. (Or fail. It’s unclear really.)
BURSLEY
Consummating the relationship here would make you the first in
the building’s history.
MARK SCHLISSEL’S FRONT PORCH
Mark’s chill. He’ll provide Gatorade and blankets if you ask.
BUZZFEED, BUT BETTER
BEST PLACES TO HAVE SEX ON CAMPUS
UGLi BASEMENT
A prime Engineer hangout, this cozy spot provides dim lighting
and plenty of shocked onlookers.
THE MICHIGAN DAILY CONFERENCE ROOM
We just recently celebrated an anniversary: 125 years of sexual
freedom.
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5
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Wednesday, December 9, 2015 // The Statement