3B

D

ear Google,

I’ve been in a few relationships, and 

whenever I’ve had sex, I always have 

felt so excited at first and then quickly just … 
disappointed. What can I do to not feel this 
disappointment? Do I need to lower my expec-
tations to be more realistic or have I just not 
found the one, magical guy that will make me 
feel spectacular in bed?

Sincerely,
Insufficient Intercourse

***

Dear Insufficient Intercourse,
Maybe I haven’t seen enough male butts in my 

life, but frankly I was under the naive impression 
that if you’ve seen one man’s butt, you’ve seen 
them all.

This turned out not to be true, and it’s these 

kind of little surprises that I believe impact a 
person’s ability to enjoy sex: maybe for me it 
was a butt that was a little more hairy than I had 
imagined, but for others it’s sweat or gross human 
liquids or unexpected noises or any of the other 
messy, uncomfortable possibilities that arise when 
doing something as intimate as having sex.

This moment, when I felt a little disappointed 

by the realities of the little things that sex often 
includes, became a silly thing I tease my boy-
friend about. It did not become a reason to feel 
underwhelmed sexually. Maybe for you it is more 
than just dealing with real, non-porno sex, but I 
think it’s pretty common for men and women to 
enter into relationships — or hook ups, etc. — with 

extraordinarily high expectations for their sexual 
experience.

Society’s influence on sex is so penetrative into 

our lives I have to think feelings of disappointment 
are inevitable. The reality of sex is this: the person 
you are having sex with is probably a human and, 
as such, have all of these gross human functions 
and illogical feelings. And you, assuming you are 
also a human, do to.

So it’s really fucking messy in more ways than 

one — emotionally complicated and physically 
confusing.

It’s what gives intimate moments their worth. 

It is difficult, at times. Being uncomfortable is 
something I sort of crave, though. I feel filled up by 
silences that result from a complete loss of words 
in these compromising situations. I feel thrilled 
by the vulnerability of it all. It feels difficult, but 
genuine.

And so, I’m dating a guy whose butt is, like, real-

ly extraordinarily hairy. (I wish I could include a 
photo but I feel like my editor would object.) But 
it’s so him, and there’s something interesting when 
you share with a person the things about you that 
you can’t change — the things you don’t necessarily 
like, but that just are unequivocally, you.

So I’ll leave you with this Beyonce lyric, and ask 

you to find beauty in the realities of sex, the details 
and the impropriety of it all.

She sings, “You showed your ass and I … I saw 

the real you.” I think she’s talking about a man 
with a hairy butt.

Sincerely,
Emma

Dear Google: Bedrooms, butts, and bad news

B Y E M M A K E R R

LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX
ON THE 
RECORD

“Sex is a part of nature. I go along with nature.”

— MARILYN MONROE 

“Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is 

about power.”

— OSCAR WILDE 

“Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are 

just people to have fun with.”

— CARRIE BRADSHAW, “SEX IN THE CITY”

“There’s nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A 

peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.”

— BILLY JOEL

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright 

to free his hands for masturbation.”

— LILY TOMLIN 

ILLUSTRATIONS BY CHERYLL VICTUELLES

This week, our 700 survey respondents gave some choice answers as 
to where they enjoy getting their groove on most. We came up with a 

few more unique options if the regular spots bore you.

THE LIST

THE BLOCK ‘M’
Legend has it that if you get in it on the ‘M’ midday on a Tuesday, 
you will pass your blue book exam. (Or fail. It’s unclear really.)

BURSLEY
Consummating the relationship here would make you the first in 
the building’s history.

MARK SCHLISSEL’S FRONT PORCH
Mark’s chill. He’ll provide Gatorade and blankets if you ask. 

BUZZFEED, BUT BETTER

BEST PLACES TO HAVE SEX ON CAMPUS

UGLi BASEMENT
A prime Engineer hangout, this cozy spot provides dim lighting 
and plenty of shocked onlookers.

THE MICHIGAN DAILY CONFERENCE ROOM
We just recently celebrated an anniversary: 125 years of sexual 
freedom. 

1 

3 

5 

2

4 

Wednesday, December 9, 2015 // The Statement