4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, October 20, 1995
C"E firtich [gttri ct
BRENT MCINTOSH
MCINTOSH CLASSICS
420 Maynard Street
Ann Arbor, MI 48109
Edited and managed by
students at the
University of Michigan
MIC 1AEL C. ROSENBERG
Editor in Chief
JULIE BECKER
JAMES M. NASH
Editorial Page Editors
Exposing f/ic ~gknt campus
comiay Its all z3m your head
Unless otherwise noted, unsigfied editorials reflect the opinion ofa majority oftic Daily 's editorial board. All
other articles, letters, and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of he Michigan Daily.
MA.'s ixpt the books
OMSAs D.C. mix-up shows need for vigilance
l ast weekend, two members of the
Michigan Student Assembly - Presi-
dent Flint Wainess and External Relations
Committee Chair Fiona Rose, with federal
liaison Andy Schor - traveled to Washing-
ton to attend a conference and lobby legisla-
tors on the issue of student aid. Unfortu-
nately, the money spent for the trip had not
been fully authorized by MSA. The assembly
.leaders' rationale for spending money to
broaden their influence was sound. But the
method used to spend it - circumventing
proper bookkeeping procedures - was un-
sound, and should serve as a cautionary tale
for current and future MSA leaders.
'MSA earmarked $928 for Rose and Schor
to make the trip in its internal budget -
although that was a projection, not an appro-
jriation. This was a wise move, as it is
important for MSA to work with other stu-
dent groups on national issues. In Washing-
toi, the delegation lobbied members of Con-
gress against proposed cuts in student aid, an
:issue of great significance to students.
However, the National Association ofStu-
zents in Higher Education-the group spon-
'oring the conference - requested that the
president attend with the MSA delegation.
Wainess agreed to make the trip, boosting the
total cost to $1,371 -$443 above what was
originally authorized. Wainess claims that
when signing the authorization for the travel
expenses, he believed he was merely autho-
rizing the $900 for conference dues. On Tues-
,lay night, MSA agreed to cover the total
costs incurred by the delegation.
The fact that MSA's leaders were so sloppy
with the organization's funds is troubling.
Although the mistake may well have been
unintentional-- as Wainess claims -it was
still a mistake.
However, Wainess and Rose should be
commended for their forthright acceptance
of responsibility for the error. At the MSA
meeting on Tuesday, they admitted the mis-
take and apologized. This is a welcome de-
parture from the time-honed MSA tradition
of obfuscation and responsibility dodging.
Yet one MSA member - Academic Affairs
Commission Chair Dan Serota - suggested
that Wainess was deliberately violating MSA
policy. Serota, who is running for an MSA
seat in November with the Volverine Party,
was continuing a shady tradition of putting
party politics over governance.
MSA must ensure that this sort of mistake
does not occur again. Mistakes such as the
one that led to this latest embarrassment
could be avoided if the body kept a closer eye
on its internal financial operations. MSA
must be vigilant in preventing cost overruns.
It is commendable that MSA is becoming
more active on a national level. However, the
funding mix-up for the Washington trip was
an embarrassment to the organization, and it
indicates that MSA has problems keeping its
books straight. MSA must demonstrate an
improved ability to keeps its finances in
order - otherwise, trips to Washington will
seem sadly ironic. '
Conspiracies on campus are nothing
new.
I can't think of any off the top of my
head, but that's because conspiracies are
secret. If I could think of any, then they
wouldn't be secret, and hence wouldn't be
conspiracies. Thus my inability to think of
any conspiracies proves their existence.
But I'm not here to tell you about insig-
nificant conspiracies like those I can't think
of, or the we-put-a-man-on-the-moon joke,
or even the Elvis-killed-J.F.K. scandal.
What we're talking about here is the
greatest scandal in the history of the Univer-
sity of Michigan. One that could bring down
this great (relative to Ohio State) institution.
The University, in close cooperation with
the Daily news staff, has developed over the
years a tremendous myth, one that has led
you to believe progressively more false-
hoods and untruths since the early 1960s,
when the whole lie was started in order to
distract students from protesting substantive
issues like war, hatred and bad beer.
They have created for you a whole cast of
fictional characters on whom to blame the
ills of the University. Keep in mind as you
read this: None of these people - from
academic advisers to the very president of
this school - actually exist. They are fig-
ments of your imagination.
The University is actually run by the
proprietor of a small-time grocery store in
Fargo, N.D., and his 64-year-old wife. They
received proprietary rights to the campus
and its contents in a 1962 poker game; the
loser was a former professional wrestler
called Timmy Speedo. Don't ask.
These two originated the myth in order to
avoid respdnsibility for their decisions. They
created the fictional characters, which in-
clude ...
Your Academic Adviser. Have you
ever seen an academic adviser? Ifthe answer
is yes, it's because you went in to meet with
her, and the person who scheduled your
appointment immediately called hlis best
friend, Leanne, to counsel you.
Leanne thought it would be a good joke
to come in and pretend to be one of the
mythical academic advisers, so she came in
and gave you advice on classes, professors
and a good place to get tattoos.
Leanne is actually employed as a assis-
tant nacho specialist at Taco Bell.
Information Technology Division
Consultants. To make you think the infusion
of technology on this campus has some
order, and is not the anarchic process it
appears to be, the real owners of the Univer-
sity created the fictitious ITD consultants.
They're like placebos; ifyouthinkthey're
doing their job, they probably are, regard-
less of their nonexistence. But trust me:
There are no ITD consultants. Fixing a com-
puter problem at Angell Hall is nothing but
a high-tech Choose-Your-Own-Adventure
book: Ifyou have no idea and want to lose all
your work, press enter; if you would like to
crash the network and have everybody in the
place at your throat, press escape.
But these are minor, compared to the
other lies. For example:
U The Code Workgroup. This is a group
of people who are writing a four-page paper
on student rights and responsibilities, and
it's taken them--not even an individual, but
a "them" -long months to do it. I know for
a fact that a four-page paper can be written in
two hours, especially if I use 13-point type
and large margins.
"Yeah, but our output is important," the
fictitious workgroup complains. And my
poli sci paper isn't? At least somebody will
read my paper.
*The Michigan Student Assembly. Who
is Flint Wainess? What does MSA do? Is this
like high school student council, where you
get out of class to go to meetings? Or is it like
Congress, where the sport of choice is "Ha-
rass the Pretty Blond Staffer"?
The Regents. They don't exist, but it
shouldn't take any argument to convince
you of that. No one has ever seen the regents;
No one has ever talked to regents.
The regents are like Santa Claus. Myth-
makers claim they hold meetings and hand
out policies, but in reality they just snarf the
cookies and milk you left out for them.
That, of course, leaves the important
question of who caused President Duderstadt
to leave. Aah, but that's an easy one:
President Duderstadt. Like the others;
he is a creation of the Fargo grocer; although
he credits to his plumber neighbor the idea
for creating a "president" to take the brunt of
the blame for screw-ups.
This, of course, was the most difficult of
the myths to propagate. A president must be
visible - so our grocer friend hired an actor,
albeit a bad one, to play the part.
Why is Duderstadt leaving us? Easy: He
recently triedout for and received the role of
Mercutio in "Romeo and Juliet" in Toronto.
So, like when an actress in a soap opera gets
a contract to do infomercials, Duderstadt
had to be phased out of the picture.
Me. This column was actually written
by the collaboration of an associate profese
sor of atmospheric sciences, the remaining
Grateful Dead, and a poorly programmed
computer on North Campus. 1, of course, do
not exist.
- The columnist formerly known as
"Brent McIntosh " can be reached over e-
mail at mctosh@umich.edu.
JIM LASSER
SHARP AS TOAST
Out inscUh Il
IN-IN
FlAMES 3". t'VpE15-AP-r '
THE LSVE
Cdr TE MA
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NorABLE QUOTABLE
'Once a
newspaper
touches a story,
the facts are lost
forever, even to
the protagonists.'
- Norman Mailer
Gay youth suffer in classrooms of indilference
A t long last, U.S. schools are beginning to Unfortunately, the current political cli-
a dress the needs of their lesbian, gay mate is hostile to such reforms. Lou Sheldon,
and bisexual students. In Los Angeles and chairman of the radically conservative Tra-
New York City, districts have created alter- ditional Values Coalition, actually extracted
native programs for teens who have suffered apromise from House SpeakerNewt Gingrich
gay-bashing at the hands of their peers. Such (R-Ga.) to hold congressional hearings on
programs help protect students by establish- what he terms "promotion of homosexuality
ing a safe environment conducive to learn- in the schools." Michigan's own Rep. Peter
ting. Classrooms everywhere should estab- Hoekstra (R-Holland) of the House Eco-
1
1
i
C
LETTERS
lish similar programs that protect gay, les-
bian and bisexual students. Educators must
accept the challenge to build
healthy school environments
that respect the worth of all rotedti
students, regardless ofsexual g y
orientation.
The crisis gay, lesbian andlstj
bisexual students face has
b6n ignored for too long.
Suich youth are two to three times more likely
to attempt suicide than their heterosexual
counterparts. An estimated 30 percent of
s.icide victims are gay, lesbian or bisexual.
tI those who do not take their own lives, 80
percent report severe problems due to emo-
tinal isolation. One quarter of the popula-
rtin are forced from their homes - many
junnmig to streets they never leave - due to
conflicts over their sexual orientation.
This tragedy could be prevented by mak-
ing schools friendlier to gay students. Work-
shops must inform teachers of the problems
teens face questioning their own sexual iden-
tity. Teachers should reassess whether com-
ments made in the classroom reinforce nega-
tive stereotypes of non-heterosexuals.
Schools must include "sexual orientation" in
their policy of non-discrimination. Guid-
ance counselors should be prepared to make
referrals to support groups.
n4
r
in
nomic and Employment Subcommittee on
Oversight and Investigations offered to hold
the hearing. Disguised as
"Pre ntal Involvement in
9 Socia1tissues in Education,"
ihts the group's real agenda
would be to adv(ocate cut-
, a series ting off federal funding to
any schools that addresses
homosexuality as a "posi-
tive alternative lifestyle." Irate citizens have
been responsible for getting the "hearing"
postponed twice, but it has not yet been
canceled.
Opponents such as Sheldon do not realize
that by creating a supportive environment,
schools will not be forcing "homosexual
curricula" on students. Non-heterosexuals
are always present as students and faculty.
All too often, however, such positive role
models are shunned if their sexual orienta-
tion becomes public.
Schools' prolonged silence on the contri-
butions of gays, lesbians and bisexuals is far
worse than any fears of "promoting homo-
sexuality." The real fear should be a
society that raises children to believe that
there is no alternative for gays, lesbians and
bisexuals other than a life on the streets,
temporary relief through drugs and alcohol,
or suicide.
MSA critics
misrepresent
health plan
To the Daily:
As an elected representative
of students, I understand the art
of political image-making. Nev-
ertheless, I was dismayed to read
the half-truths and hyperbole con-
tamed in the attack on health-care
reform written by several mem-
bers of the Michigan Student
Assembly's loyal opposition
party ("Mandatory health care re-
stricts choice," 10/16/95).
The assertion is made several
times in the letter that students
should be scared of "mandatory
student health care,"and implies
that I am one of the proponents of
limiting student choice. But the
authors of the letter know per-
fectly well that students already
pay a mandatory health fee. All
I've suggested is that if students
continue to be taxed to pay for
health care, they should receive
good health benefits in return.
Indeed, any proposal I present to
students will eliminate the man-
datory health fee. Instead, I will
propose allowing insured students
to "buy out" of the mandatory
fee, which would result in an al-
most $70 tuition cut for many
students.
In fact, the only individual
who has explicitly told me he
endorses "mandatory health fees"
is Gerard Casteneda, who has now
strangely signed his name to a
letter denouncing what he sup-
ences to their elected representa-
tives.
So what will it be? Would you
rather spend the next few months
dialoguing about ways to provide
students with cheap, affordable
and comprehensive health care?
Or would you rather replace sub-
stantive debate with political
soundbites?
Flint S. Wainess
M SA president
LSA senior
Acadermics
shouldn't stop
religious
observance
To the Daily:
For many students at the Uni-
versity, Tuesday, Oct. 3 was one
of the most important days of the
year. Yom Kippur is the end of
period of judgment for students
of the Jewish faith. But some stu-
dents had other worries than be-
ing written into the Book of Life.
Unfortunately, many were faced
with the problems of exams or
assignments. Although many in-
structors decided not to give ex-
ams or assignments or gave alter-
native deadlines, some students
were not that lucky. Many had to
take exams or assignments on both
Tuesday and Wednesday, forc-
ing them to choose between their
religion and their education. But
this conflict is not limited to Jew-
ish holidays. Students observing
dents' religious rights as they re-
late to academic pursuits."
The University has stated its'
commitment to diversity. Now it
must act to support its diverse
community. Student involvement
is essential. There will be a peti-
tion at the MSA table in the Fish-
bowl, supporting "reasonable al-
ternatives" for students. Also, any
students who had conflicts be-
tween their obligations of faith
and their academic work, please
e-mail ellisona@umich.edu or
dserota@umich.edu or stop by
MSA's table. There will be a sheet
to write down conflicts that you
have had in the past.
Anne Marie Ellison
MSA Student Rights chair
Dan Serota
MSA Academic Affairs
chair
Cartoon
insensitive
to Catholics
To the Daily:
The Oct. 10 comic "Mookie' s
Dilemma" by Matt Wimsatt
struck me as incredibly insensi-
tive. As I interpreted it, the comic
pictures Uncle Sam telling the
pope that his opposition to birth
control ("rubbers") and his calls
for caring for the poor and hungry
are hypocritical because world
population growth is causing pov-
erty. As a Catholic myself, I find
the pope to be a very spiritual,
intellectual and caring man. To
sJcr..naa nrli4 k0I*+l b ,rnrl, anti
Living-learning
programs are
effective
To the Daily:
One of your articles recently
stated that living and learning pro-
grams (L/L) other than the Resi-
dential College are ineffective and
a waste of money ("The first
year," 10/11/95).
I participated in the 21st Cen-
tury Program, a Markley L/L pro-
gramthat helps first-year students,
and I found it to be very effective
in helping me adjust to college
life,
The seminars and academic
workshops offered by the 21st
Century Program emphasized
close interaction that fostered an
open atmosphere of camaraderie
and friendship.
Also, I remember my organic
chemistry facilitator, Peter
Alaimo. I couldn't have gotten
my "A" without his dedication to
the program and to me.
In fact, I am now the new
organic chemistry co-facilitator.
I can now return the favor and
help others.
All the L/L programs at the
University serve a vital role in the
development toward an academi-
cally and socially prepared stu-
dent. They are essential and defi-
nitely have a place here in the
University community.
Some participants may say
that they didn't get anything out
of L/L programs. It was pointless
and a waste of time. Well, I say to
HOW TO CONTACT THEM
To contact about stopping the "Parental involvement" hearings:
Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-Holland)
in%Pn A A A.