4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, October 20, 1995 C"E firtich [gttri ct BRENT MCINTOSH MCINTOSH CLASSICS 420 Maynard Street Ann Arbor, MI 48109 Edited and managed by students at the University of Michigan MIC 1AEL C. ROSENBERG Editor in Chief JULIE BECKER JAMES M. NASH Editorial Page Editors Exposing f/ic ~gknt campus comiay Its all z3m your head Unless otherwise noted, unsigfied editorials reflect the opinion ofa majority oftic Daily 's editorial board. All other articles, letters, and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of he Michigan Daily. MA.'s ixpt the books OMSAs D.C. mix-up shows need for vigilance l ast weekend, two members of the Michigan Student Assembly - Presi- dent Flint Wainess and External Relations Committee Chair Fiona Rose, with federal liaison Andy Schor - traveled to Washing- ton to attend a conference and lobby legisla- tors on the issue of student aid. Unfortu- nately, the money spent for the trip had not been fully authorized by MSA. The assembly .leaders' rationale for spending money to broaden their influence was sound. But the method used to spend it - circumventing proper bookkeeping procedures - was un- sound, and should serve as a cautionary tale for current and future MSA leaders. 'MSA earmarked $928 for Rose and Schor to make the trip in its internal budget - although that was a projection, not an appro- jriation. This was a wise move, as it is important for MSA to work with other stu- dent groups on national issues. In Washing- toi, the delegation lobbied members of Con- gress against proposed cuts in student aid, an :issue of great significance to students. However, the National Association ofStu- zents in Higher Education-the group spon- 'oring the conference - requested that the president attend with the MSA delegation. Wainess agreed to make the trip, boosting the total cost to $1,371 -$443 above what was originally authorized. Wainess claims that when signing the authorization for the travel expenses, he believed he was merely autho- rizing the $900 for conference dues. On Tues- ,lay night, MSA agreed to cover the total costs incurred by the delegation. The fact that MSA's leaders were so sloppy with the organization's funds is troubling. Although the mistake may well have been unintentional-- as Wainess claims -it was still a mistake. However, Wainess and Rose should be commended for their forthright acceptance of responsibility for the error. At the MSA meeting on Tuesday, they admitted the mis- take and apologized. This is a welcome de- parture from the time-honed MSA tradition of obfuscation and responsibility dodging. Yet one MSA member - Academic Affairs Commission Chair Dan Serota - suggested that Wainess was deliberately violating MSA policy. Serota, who is running for an MSA seat in November with the Volverine Party, was continuing a shady tradition of putting party politics over governance. MSA must ensure that this sort of mistake does not occur again. Mistakes such as the one that led to this latest embarrassment could be avoided if the body kept a closer eye on its internal financial operations. MSA must be vigilant in preventing cost overruns. It is commendable that MSA is becoming more active on a national level. However, the funding mix-up for the Washington trip was an embarrassment to the organization, and it indicates that MSA has problems keeping its books straight. MSA must demonstrate an improved ability to keeps its finances in order - otherwise, trips to Washington will seem sadly ironic. ' Conspiracies on campus are nothing new. I can't think of any off the top of my head, but that's because conspiracies are secret. If I could think of any, then they wouldn't be secret, and hence wouldn't be conspiracies. Thus my inability to think of any conspiracies proves their existence. But I'm not here to tell you about insig- nificant conspiracies like those I can't think of, or the we-put-a-man-on-the-moon joke, or even the Elvis-killed-J.F.K. scandal. What we're talking about here is the greatest scandal in the history of the Univer- sity of Michigan. One that could bring down this great (relative to Ohio State) institution. The University, in close cooperation with the Daily news staff, has developed over the years a tremendous myth, one that has led you to believe progressively more false- hoods and untruths since the early 1960s, when the whole lie was started in order to distract students from protesting substantive issues like war, hatred and bad beer. They have created for you a whole cast of fictional characters on whom to blame the ills of the University. Keep in mind as you read this: None of these people - from academic advisers to the very president of this school - actually exist. They are fig- ments of your imagination. The University is actually run by the proprietor of a small-time grocery store in Fargo, N.D., and his 64-year-old wife. They received proprietary rights to the campus and its contents in a 1962 poker game; the loser was a former professional wrestler called Timmy Speedo. Don't ask. These two originated the myth in order to avoid respdnsibility for their decisions. They created the fictional characters, which in- clude ... Your Academic Adviser. Have you ever seen an academic adviser? Ifthe answer is yes, it's because you went in to meet with her, and the person who scheduled your appointment immediately called hlis best friend, Leanne, to counsel you. Leanne thought it would be a good joke to come in and pretend to be one of the mythical academic advisers, so she came in and gave you advice on classes, professors and a good place to get tattoos. Leanne is actually employed as a assis- tant nacho specialist at Taco Bell. Information Technology Division Consultants. To make you think the infusion of technology on this campus has some order, and is not the anarchic process it appears to be, the real owners of the Univer- sity created the fictitious ITD consultants. They're like placebos; ifyouthinkthey're doing their job, they probably are, regard- less of their nonexistence. But trust me: There are no ITD consultants. Fixing a com- puter problem at Angell Hall is nothing but a high-tech Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book: Ifyou have no idea and want to lose all your work, press enter; if you would like to crash the network and have everybody in the place at your throat, press escape. But these are minor, compared to the other lies. For example: U The Code Workgroup. This is a group of people who are writing a four-page paper on student rights and responsibilities, and it's taken them--not even an individual, but a "them" -long months to do it. I know for a fact that a four-page paper can be written in two hours, especially if I use 13-point type and large margins. "Yeah, but our output is important," the fictitious workgroup complains. And my poli sci paper isn't? At least somebody will read my paper. *The Michigan Student Assembly. Who is Flint Wainess? What does MSA do? Is this like high school student council, where you get out of class to go to meetings? Or is it like Congress, where the sport of choice is "Ha- rass the Pretty Blond Staffer"? The Regents. They don't exist, but it shouldn't take any argument to convince you of that. No one has ever seen the regents; No one has ever talked to regents. The regents are like Santa Claus. Myth- makers claim they hold meetings and hand out policies, but in reality they just snarf the cookies and milk you left out for them. That, of course, leaves the important question of who caused President Duderstadt to leave. Aah, but that's an easy one: President Duderstadt. Like the others; he is a creation of the Fargo grocer; although he credits to his plumber neighbor the idea for creating a "president" to take the brunt of the blame for screw-ups. This, of course, was the most difficult of the myths to propagate. A president must be visible - so our grocer friend hired an actor, albeit a bad one, to play the part. Why is Duderstadt leaving us? Easy: He recently triedout for and received the role of Mercutio in "Romeo and Juliet" in Toronto. So, like when an actress in a soap opera gets a contract to do infomercials, Duderstadt had to be phased out of the picture. Me. This column was actually written by the collaboration of an associate profese sor of atmospheric sciences, the remaining Grateful Dead, and a poorly programmed computer on North Campus. 1, of course, do not exist. - The columnist formerly known as "Brent McIntosh " can be reached over e- mail at mctosh@umich.edu. JIM LASSER SHARP AS TOAST Out inscUh Il IN-IN FlAMES 3". t'VpE15-AP-r ' THE LSVE Cdr TE MA / NorABLE QUOTABLE 'Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.' - Norman Mailer Gay youth suffer in classrooms of indilference A t long last, U.S. schools are beginning to Unfortunately, the current political cli- a dress the needs of their lesbian, gay mate is hostile to such reforms. Lou Sheldon, and bisexual students. In Los Angeles and chairman of the radically conservative Tra- New York City, districts have created alter- ditional Values Coalition, actually extracted native programs for teens who have suffered apromise from House SpeakerNewt Gingrich gay-bashing at the hands of their peers. Such (R-Ga.) to hold congressional hearings on programs help protect students by establish- what he terms "promotion of homosexuality ing a safe environment conducive to learn- in the schools." Michigan's own Rep. Peter ting. Classrooms everywhere should estab- Hoekstra (R-Holland) of the House Eco- 1 1 i C LETTERS lish similar programs that protect gay, les- bian and bisexual students. Educators must accept the challenge to build healthy school environments that respect the worth of all rotedti students, regardless ofsexual g y orientation. The crisis gay, lesbian andlstj bisexual students face has b6n ignored for too long. Suich youth are two to three times more likely to attempt suicide than their heterosexual counterparts. An estimated 30 percent of s.icide victims are gay, lesbian or bisexual. tI those who do not take their own lives, 80 percent report severe problems due to emo- tinal isolation. One quarter of the popula- rtin are forced from their homes - many junnmig to streets they never leave - due to conflicts over their sexual orientation. This tragedy could be prevented by mak- ing schools friendlier to gay students. Work- shops must inform teachers of the problems teens face questioning their own sexual iden- tity. Teachers should reassess whether com- ments made in the classroom reinforce nega- tive stereotypes of non-heterosexuals. Schools must include "sexual orientation" in their policy of non-discrimination. Guid- ance counselors should be prepared to make referrals to support groups. n4 r in nomic and Employment Subcommittee on Oversight and Investigations offered to hold the hearing. Disguised as "Pre ntal Involvement in 9 Socia1tissues in Education," ihts the group's real agenda would be to adv(ocate cut- , a series ting off federal funding to any schools that addresses homosexuality as a "posi- tive alternative lifestyle." Irate citizens have been responsible for getting the "hearing" postponed twice, but it has not yet been canceled. Opponents such as Sheldon do not realize that by creating a supportive environment, schools will not be forcing "homosexual curricula" on students. Non-heterosexuals are always present as students and faculty. All too often, however, such positive role models are shunned if their sexual orienta- tion becomes public. Schools' prolonged silence on the contri- butions of gays, lesbians and bisexuals is far worse than any fears of "promoting homo- sexuality." The real fear should be a society that raises children to believe that there is no alternative for gays, lesbians and bisexuals other than a life on the streets, temporary relief through drugs and alcohol, or suicide. MSA critics misrepresent health plan To the Daily: As an elected representative of students, I understand the art of political image-making. Nev- ertheless, I was dismayed to read the half-truths and hyperbole con- tamed in the attack on health-care reform written by several mem- bers of the Michigan Student Assembly's loyal opposition party ("Mandatory health care re- stricts choice," 10/16/95). The assertion is made several times in the letter that students should be scared of "mandatory student health care,"and implies that I am one of the proponents of limiting student choice. But the authors of the letter know per- fectly well that students already pay a mandatory health fee. All I've suggested is that if students continue to be taxed to pay for health care, they should receive good health benefits in return. Indeed, any proposal I present to students will eliminate the man- datory health fee. Instead, I will propose allowing insured students to "buy out" of the mandatory fee, which would result in an al- most $70 tuition cut for many students. In fact, the only individual who has explicitly told me he endorses "mandatory health fees" is Gerard Casteneda, who has now strangely signed his name to a letter denouncing what he sup- ences to their elected representa- tives. So what will it be? Would you rather spend the next few months dialoguing about ways to provide students with cheap, affordable and comprehensive health care? Or would you rather replace sub- stantive debate with political soundbites? Flint S. Wainess M SA president LSA senior Acadermics shouldn't stop religious observance To the Daily: For many students at the Uni- versity, Tuesday, Oct. 3 was one of the most important days of the year. Yom Kippur is the end of period of judgment for students of the Jewish faith. But some stu- dents had other worries than be- ing written into the Book of Life. Unfortunately, many were faced with the problems of exams or assignments. Although many in- structors decided not to give ex- ams or assignments or gave alter- native deadlines, some students were not that lucky. Many had to take exams or assignments on both Tuesday and Wednesday, forc- ing them to choose between their religion and their education. But this conflict is not limited to Jew- ish holidays. Students observing dents' religious rights as they re- late to academic pursuits." The University has stated its' commitment to diversity. Now it must act to support its diverse community. Student involvement is essential. There will be a peti- tion at the MSA table in the Fish- bowl, supporting "reasonable al- ternatives" for students. Also, any students who had conflicts be- tween their obligations of faith and their academic work, please e-mail ellisona@umich.edu or dserota@umich.edu or stop by MSA's table. There will be a sheet to write down conflicts that you have had in the past. Anne Marie Ellison MSA Student Rights chair Dan Serota MSA Academic Affairs chair Cartoon insensitive to Catholics To the Daily: The Oct. 10 comic "Mookie' s Dilemma" by Matt Wimsatt struck me as incredibly insensi- tive. As I interpreted it, the comic pictures Uncle Sam telling the pope that his opposition to birth control ("rubbers") and his calls for caring for the poor and hungry are hypocritical because world population growth is causing pov- erty. As a Catholic myself, I find the pope to be a very spiritual, intellectual and caring man. To sJcr..naa nrli4 k0I*+l b ,rnrl, anti Living-learning programs are effective To the Daily: One of your articles recently stated that living and learning pro- grams (L/L) other than the Resi- dential College are ineffective and a waste of money ("The first year," 10/11/95). I participated in the 21st Cen- tury Program, a Markley L/L pro- gramthat helps first-year students, and I found it to be very effective in helping me adjust to college life, The seminars and academic workshops offered by the 21st Century Program emphasized close interaction that fostered an open atmosphere of camaraderie and friendship. Also, I remember my organic chemistry facilitator, Peter Alaimo. I couldn't have gotten my "A" without his dedication to the program and to me. In fact, I am now the new organic chemistry co-facilitator. I can now return the favor and help others. All the L/L programs at the University serve a vital role in the development toward an academi- cally and socially prepared stu- dent. They are essential and defi- nitely have a place here in the University community. Some participants may say that they didn't get anything out of L/L programs. It was pointless and a waste of time. Well, I say to HOW TO CONTACT THEM To contact about stopping the "Parental involvement" hearings: Rep. Peter Hoekstra (R-Holland) in%Pn A A A.