100%

Scanned image of the page. Keyboard directions: use + to zoom in, - to zoom out, arrow keys to pan inside the viewer.

Page Options

Download this Issue

Share

Something wrong?

Something wrong with this page? Report problem.

Rights / Permissions

This collection, digitized in collaboration with the Michigan Daily and the Board for Student Publications, contains materials that are protected by copyright law. Access to these materials is provided for non-profit educational and research purposes. If you use an item from this collection, it is your responsibility to consider the work's copyright status and obtain any required permission.

September 18, 1995 - Image 80

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 1995-09-18

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

p.
i
E

BY GLENN
MCDONALD
ILLUSTRATION BY J. THURSTON
AUBURN U.
Double
Take
Burn, Baby,
Burn
Fed up with years of self-
indulgent generational irony,
national fraternity Gamma
Zeta Chi recently announced
ban on kitschy '70s reference
in all fraternity-owned house
"We're particularly strict
about referencing a certain
1970s family that is 'much
more than a hunch,' if you
know what I'm talking about
said president Kip Kaplan at
press conference.
Any fraternity member
caught singing Schoolhouse
Rock songs or publicly display
ing Cheryl Tiegs posters will b
immediately deactivated.
"We're serious," Kaplan
said. "No girls in those clingy
iron-on shirts, no novelty lunc
boxes and no late-night drunk
en choruses of a certain soun
track that rhymes with Hatter
Gay Fight Beaver. Oh, yeah -
and no playing ball in the
house!"
Kaplan wasimmediately
impeached.

The products of rugged, m
probably
our generation climbing s
breathtaking
right now.)
T'S TAKEN TWENTY-SOME YEARS Armed w
close, comfi
of social programming and mil- shave. we
lions of hours of television satu- get some m
ration, but it has finally been prodcthe
~productst
{ accomplished. The advertising "Hey. I'm y
industry has created the perfect con- hip and free
kind of guy
sumer generation. clubbing, re
I realized this last week when I saw a TV and has a lot
commercial for Red Wolf beer. I was about six I got
hours into an afternoon of sports programming, cologne b
so I was already susceptible to subtext, when I Kate Moss
started thinking.... guys that
"Red Wolf-- yeah, man. I'm like a red wolf. somewhere
I'm mysterious and solitary, stalking moonlit forest love and
glades. Totally. I'm a red wolf, dude. I hunt alone Then I boa
because I'm like, you know, a lone hunter and shit." of Doc Mart
So I bought a six-pack of Red Wolf. As I sat of blue-colla
down with my first beer, I noticed I did feel a lit- really expens
tle more ferocious. By the fifth beer, I was down- Also, bec.
right savage. dangerous,
Anyway, I've decided to stop fighting and be the mountain b
consumer I was born to be. Most of my opinions apartment, r
and values have been provided by TV as it is. So I snowboard.
figure, what the hey - for a few measly dollars I I felt pre
can have a brand new self-image laboriously crafted So I replaces
by the nation's finest advertising thinkers! ern wood-fir
First things first. I went out yesterday and Caribbean c
bought a Gillette twin razor. I figured, those guys black electro
a that use Gillette razors on TV are real manly like er into a ce
es and sexy. (Now don't get me wrong, I'm plenty round soun
s. manly like. After all, I wear Patagonia outdoor wear. on a Land R
You can tell just by looking at that label that I'm cle that can

su

I

an. I'm
out
ome-rSFX
vista c.00 1 D trs#
ith my
ortable
nt out to
ore prod-
e kind of S
that say,
young and
,e. I'm the
who goes
ads Details
tof sex."
some
ecause -
digs CRic.g'
smell
between
madness.
ght a pair
tens because I'm the type
at fellow that can afford
ive impostor work boots.
ause I'm thrill-seeking and
I got me a top-of-the-line 15-speed
bike that hangs upside down in my
ight next to my cross-country skis and
ety good, but something was missing.
d all my furniture with cool post-mod-
nish stuff that looks like it came off a
argo boat. Then I bought some matte
nic devices and wired them all togeth-
ntral remote system with stereo sur-
d. Finally, I just put a down payment
over - a mighty juggernaut of a vehi-
handle all terrains and go for 8,000

C
tGe-

. ANT

F Tk N miles
$ on a single tank
of gas. Unfortu-
nately, I dinged
the bumper on a
telephone pole so now it's in the shop.
Granted, all these changes have been a bit
expensive, but that's OK. Because Commerce, in
her infinite wisdom, has provided me with a wallet
full of credit cards. It's a warm feeling, actually, hav-
ing merged into this grand, all-encompassing entity
that is consumer America. Not unlike, say, the way
a massive gelatinous space blob incorporates the
local townsfolk into itself, dissolving them slowly
and painfully until their boiling flesh is literally
melted from their -
Whoa! Sorry, getting a little off track there. But
you see my point.

,"1
a
Y-
e
h
k-
id-

Seth Lives Sebastian Conley, Harvard U.

Lyou MEAPQ 'O
CAU tASF THIS
UOPUTW M *TDP

You JEvtt
WH s~r~t'~
ou Tf ea
3 a

LlbL COLA 867 B~TALuIN6
Wsrl IN 'ENE UA kiOF
E1K6LAKII' Am>kflte'DU
"In.

446Y 'IronSIZZLAP'
~BED of S W'c'Lcsj6--
Nor Foe~ You, MOMMA,
ii

i

38 U. ]Maga zine- August/September 1995

Back to Top

© 2021 Regents of the University of Michigan