p.
i
E

BY GLENN
MCDONALD
ILLUSTRATION BY J. THURSTON
AUBURN U.
Double
Take
Burn, Baby,
Burn
Fed up with years of self-
indulgent generational irony,
national fraternity Gamma
Zeta Chi recently announced
ban on kitschy '70s reference
in all fraternity-owned house
"We're particularly strict
about referencing a certain
1970s family that is 'much
more than a hunch,' if you
know what I'm talking about
said president Kip Kaplan at
press conference.
Any fraternity member
caught singing Schoolhouse
Rock songs or publicly display
ing Cheryl Tiegs posters will b
immediately deactivated.
"We're serious," Kaplan
said. "No girls in those clingy
iron-on shirts, no novelty lunc
boxes and no late-night drunk
en choruses of a certain soun
track that rhymes with Hatter
Gay Fight Beaver. Oh, yeah -
and no playing ball in the
house!"
Kaplan wasimmediately
impeached.

The products of rugged, m
probably
our generation climbing s
breathtaking
right now.)
T'S TAKEN TWENTY-SOME YEARS Armed w
close, comfi
of social programming and mil- shave. we
lions of hours of television satu- get some m
ration, but it has finally been prodcthe
~productst
{ accomplished. The advertising "Hey. I'm y
industry has created the perfect con- hip and free
kind of guy
sumer generation. clubbing, re
I realized this last week when I saw a TV and has a lot
commercial for Red Wolf beer. I was about six I got
hours into an afternoon of sports programming, cologne b
so I was already susceptible to subtext, when I Kate Moss
started thinking.... guys that
"Red Wolf-- yeah, man. I'm like a red wolf. somewhere
I'm mysterious and solitary, stalking moonlit forest love and
glades. Totally. I'm a red wolf, dude. I hunt alone Then I boa
because I'm like, you know, a lone hunter and shit." of Doc Mart
So I bought a six-pack of Red Wolf. As I sat of blue-colla
down with my first beer, I noticed I did feel a lit- really expens
tle more ferocious. By the fifth beer, I was down- Also, bec.
right savage. dangerous,
Anyway, I've decided to stop fighting and be the mountain b
consumer I was born to be. Most of my opinions apartment, r
and values have been provided by TV as it is. So I snowboard.
figure, what the hey - for a few measly dollars I I felt pre
can have a brand new self-image laboriously crafted So I replaces
by the nation's finest advertising thinkers! ern wood-fir
First things first. I went out yesterday and Caribbean c
bought a Gillette twin razor. I figured, those guys black electro
a that use Gillette razors on TV are real manly like er into a ce
es and sexy. (Now don't get me wrong, I'm plenty round soun
s. manly like. After all, I wear Patagonia outdoor wear. on a Land R
You can tell just by looking at that label that I'm cle that can

su

I

an. I'm
out
ome-rSFX
vista c.00 1 D trs#
ith my
ortable
nt out to
ore prod-
e kind of S
that say,
young and
,e. I'm the
who goes
ads Details
tof sex."
some
ecause -
digs CRic.g'
smell
between
madness.
ght a pair
tens because I'm the type
at fellow that can afford
ive impostor work boots.
ause I'm thrill-seeking and
I got me a top-of-the-line 15-speed
bike that hangs upside down in my
ight next to my cross-country skis and
ety good, but something was missing.
d all my furniture with cool post-mod-
nish stuff that looks like it came off a
argo boat. Then I bought some matte
nic devices and wired them all togeth-
ntral remote system with stereo sur-
d. Finally, I just put a down payment
over - a mighty juggernaut of a vehi-
handle all terrains and go for 8,000

C
tGe-

. ANT


F Tk N miles
$ on a single tank
of gas. Unfortu-
nately, I dinged
the bumper on a
telephone pole so now it's in the shop.
Granted, all these changes have been a bit
expensive, but that's OK. Because Commerce, in
her infinite wisdom, has provided me with a wallet
full of credit cards. It's a warm feeling, actually, hav-
ing merged into this grand, all-encompassing entity
that is consumer America. Not unlike, say, the way
a massive gelatinous space blob incorporates the
local townsfolk into itself, dissolving them slowly
and painfully until their boiling flesh is literally
melted from their -
Whoa! Sorry, getting a little off track there. But
you see my point.

,"1
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Seth Lives Sebastian Conley, Harvard U.

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Nor Foe~ You, MOMMA,
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38 U. ]Maga zine- August/September 1995