UI1e £d$epn Datig
Michael Rosenberg
Roses Are Read
Hey regents!
i'myour man
the Regents of the University
Tof Michigan:
I am writing in regards to the
classified advertisement you placed in
the Greater Ann Arbor Evening
Tribune-Journal-Post-News-Times-
Reporter-Herald-Leader-Courant-
Democrat-Republic-Constitution-
Press-Morning-Sun about the opening
for a position as University of
Michigan president. I feel I am an
excellent candidate for this coveted
and historic position.
.-First of all, I have never failed as
president of a major university. How
many people can say that? Well,
probably quite a few, since it's fairly
easy to pronounce. Even so, only one
man on earth can say it with convic-
tion. And if he's not available, please
give me a call.
My qualifications are overwhelming.
'I am a veritable master of Univer-
sity knowledge. I have skipped more
classes than most people have taken.
Or something like that. Anyway, you
get my point.
Now. What is the most important
qualification of a University presi-
dent? What is the one quality the best
candidate must have? What is the
single most important ingredient for a
successful presidency?.
. Frankly, I don't know either, which
brings up another point: I know my
limitations. For example, I have not
taken a single film analysis class. I
was going to, but then I figured I
would just get lazy and read the book.
And that won't cut it.
I understand you have had to deal
with some students protesting the
code. If you hire me, you won't have
to deal with them anymore. I will
have them shot.
That may sound like an unbeliev-
able promise, but hey, I know people.
It has also come to my attention
that you have had some problems
with the job James J. Duderstadt is
doing as president. I can guarantee
you those problems will end when
you hire me, largely because he won't
be president anymore.
You are probably questioning my
loyalty to the University of Michigan.
Well, stop questioning, for as anyone
who knows me can tell you, I have
never in my life worn anything but
Nike sneakers. (On my feet, that is. I
almost always wear something else
on the rest of my body, and probably
will continue that trend at regents
meetings.)
I know this University inside-out,
upside-down, back and front, left and
right, over and out, for here or to go,
for better or worse, till death do us
part. Just the other day, I took a
leisurely walk on the Diag and was
able to flaunt my expertise:
"Is that the Grad?" a friend, who
requested anonymity, asked me.
"I believe it is," I replied, knowl-
edgeably.
Then I boldly but humbly contin-
ued walking leisurely.
Another key factor is my ability to
motivate young students. "Study on,
young students!" I will exhort.
"That's what the 'stud' in 'student'
stands for! Doesn't it? It might,
anyway."
If that doesn't send tingles down
your spine, then perhaps a back-rub
will. Not that I am offering a back-
rub, of course.
That would be unethical.
And I am a man of the highest ethics.
Really, I am. Trust me. I would never
lie about something like that.
But one man can't do this job
alone. Well, I can't, anyway. If hired,
I promise to woo the most qualified
people to join our administration.
Whom will I woo? If you knew who,
whoa. You'd hire me right away.
I'm not going to belabor the point
by presenting a long list of adminis-
trative candidates, because that would
require, among other things, a long
list. Also, if I did that, I would run the
risk of complying with the Open
Meetings Act, something I will not do
under any conditions.
See? I'm acting like you guys
already.
I will give you one name of a
candidate: Don. His last name is
heina' withheld rinning our cae
What to give
what to get
By Brian A. Gnatt
Daily Music Editor
It's that time of year again. Time to take that hard earned
cash and turn it into gifts for your loved ones. Or at least the
ones you're supposed to love.
Anyway, as far as gift giving goes, what better gift to give
than the gift of music? For Mom there's always Michael
Boltoh. Dad likes the oldies, and the siblings can always go for
the Pearl Jam imitation of the week.
But if your family and friends actually have good taste in
music, or you just want to teach them a thing or two, here's
your chance to get them something with a little spunk this
holiday season.
For '80s nostalgics, there's a bunch of new holiday releases
from some of the decade's greatest artists.'
Def Leppard.
Vault.
Mercury.
The British supergroup's greatest hits are all compacted
onto this one great disc. "Photograph," "Let's Get Rocked,"
lots of hair ballads and one new song make up this rockin'
See MUSIC, Page 7B
_7O
., ,
By Joshua Rich
Daily Film Editor
It's a dark and snowy afternoon in late December and you are
back at home, counting the hours between meals and the days
before you return to school. All your friends are elsewhere, your
family is getting on your nerves and the television is showing
nothing but a constant stream of Aloha and Las Vegas Bowl
games. There -is NOTHING to do, you think. And there is
definitely no doubt that you are going to die of boredom long
before that wild Northwestern-Southern Cal match hits the air-
waves.
Luckily, the greater motion picture industry, that behemoth
conglomeration of power- and money- and fame-hungry film-
makers and superstar actors, has provided a solution. As it does
every year, Hollywood production companies serves needy
American consumers - most certainly including the lethargic
college-student-home-for-Christmas-break - with a bona fide
deluge of cinematic fare. Even more enticing is that, unlike with
the annual summer blockbuster movie floods, the films released
around Christmas are usually the best that Hollywood has to
offer.
See FILM, Page 78
,.
l --
II
By Dean Bakopoulos
Daiy Books Editor
If you dread the thought of Christmas shopping, the nearly
hopeless task of putting the meaning of your relationship with
someone into one neatly wrapped gift box, you may as well
make it easy on yourself. Do all your shopping at one store -
the bookstore. Whatever your sibling or parent or special
friend likes, chances are there is a book on the subject. If you
By Melissa Rose Bernardo
Daily Theater Editor
Being a theater lover, you've planned a trip to New York City
over the holidays. (And if you haven't, you'd better book your
plane now). You've got a list of choices a mile long - since
October there have been over 15 Broadway openings. Here is a
condensed listing, along with a few useful tidbits. Shows marked
with an asterisk are Melissa's must-sees.