UI1e £d$epn Datig Michael Rosenberg Roses Are Read Hey regents! i'myour man the Regents of the University Tof Michigan: I am writing in regards to the classified advertisement you placed in the Greater Ann Arbor Evening Tribune-Journal-Post-News-Times- Reporter-Herald-Leader-Courant- Democrat-Republic-Constitution- Press-Morning-Sun about the opening for a position as University of Michigan president. I feel I am an excellent candidate for this coveted and historic position. .-First of all, I have never failed as president of a major university. How many people can say that? Well, probably quite a few, since it's fairly easy to pronounce. Even so, only one man on earth can say it with convic- tion. And if he's not available, please give me a call. My qualifications are overwhelming. 'I am a veritable master of Univer- sity knowledge. I have skipped more classes than most people have taken. Or something like that. Anyway, you get my point. Now. What is the most important qualification of a University presi- dent? What is the one quality the best candidate must have? What is the single most important ingredient for a successful presidency?. . Frankly, I don't know either, which brings up another point: I know my limitations. For example, I have not taken a single film analysis class. I was going to, but then I figured I would just get lazy and read the book. And that won't cut it. I understand you have had to deal with some students protesting the code. If you hire me, you won't have to deal with them anymore. I will have them shot. That may sound like an unbeliev- able promise, but hey, I know people. It has also come to my attention that you have had some problems with the job James J. Duderstadt is doing as president. I can guarantee you those problems will end when you hire me, largely because he won't be president anymore. You are probably questioning my loyalty to the University of Michigan. Well, stop questioning, for as anyone who knows me can tell you, I have never in my life worn anything but Nike sneakers. (On my feet, that is. I almost always wear something else on the rest of my body, and probably will continue that trend at regents meetings.) I know this University inside-out, upside-down, back and front, left and right, over and out, for here or to go, for better or worse, till death do us part. Just the other day, I took a leisurely walk on the Diag and was able to flaunt my expertise: "Is that the Grad?" a friend, who requested anonymity, asked me. "I believe it is," I replied, knowl- edgeably. Then I boldly but humbly contin- ued walking leisurely. Another key factor is my ability to motivate young students. "Study on, young students!" I will exhort. "That's what the 'stud' in 'student' stands for! Doesn't it? It might, anyway." If that doesn't send tingles down your spine, then perhaps a back-rub will. Not that I am offering a back- rub, of course. That would be unethical. And I am a man of the highest ethics. Really, I am. Trust me. I would never lie about something like that. But one man can't do this job alone. Well, I can't, anyway. If hired, I promise to woo the most qualified people to join our administration. Whom will I woo? If you knew who, whoa. You'd hire me right away. I'm not going to belabor the point by presenting a long list of adminis- trative candidates, because that would require, among other things, a long list. Also, if I did that, I would run the risk of complying with the Open Meetings Act, something I will not do under any conditions. See? I'm acting like you guys already. I will give you one name of a candidate: Don. His last name is heina' withheld rinning our cae What to give what to get By Brian A. Gnatt Daily Music Editor It's that time of year again. Time to take that hard earned cash and turn it into gifts for your loved ones. Or at least the ones you're supposed to love. Anyway, as far as gift giving goes, what better gift to give than the gift of music? For Mom there's always Michael Boltoh. Dad likes the oldies, and the siblings can always go for the Pearl Jam imitation of the week. But if your family and friends actually have good taste in music, or you just want to teach them a thing or two, here's your chance to get them something with a little spunk this holiday season. For '80s nostalgics, there's a bunch of new holiday releases from some of the decade's greatest artists.' Def Leppard. Vault. Mercury. The British supergroup's greatest hits are all compacted onto this one great disc. "Photograph," "Let's Get Rocked," lots of hair ballads and one new song make up this rockin' See MUSIC, Page 7B _7O ., , By Joshua Rich Daily Film Editor It's a dark and snowy afternoon in late December and you are back at home, counting the hours between meals and the days before you return to school. All your friends are elsewhere, your family is getting on your nerves and the television is showing nothing but a constant stream of Aloha and Las Vegas Bowl games. There -is NOTHING to do, you think. And there is definitely no doubt that you are going to die of boredom long before that wild Northwestern-Southern Cal match hits the air- waves. Luckily, the greater motion picture industry, that behemoth conglomeration of power- and money- and fame-hungry film- makers and superstar actors, has provided a solution. As it does every year, Hollywood production companies serves needy American consumers - most certainly including the lethargic college-student-home-for-Christmas-break - with a bona fide deluge of cinematic fare. Even more enticing is that, unlike with the annual summer blockbuster movie floods, the films released around Christmas are usually the best that Hollywood has to offer. See FILM, Page 78 ,. l -- II By Dean Bakopoulos Daiy Books Editor If you dread the thought of Christmas shopping, the nearly hopeless task of putting the meaning of your relationship with someone into one neatly wrapped gift box, you may as well make it easy on yourself. Do all your shopping at one store - the bookstore. Whatever your sibling or parent or special friend likes, chances are there is a book on the subject. If you By Melissa Rose Bernardo Daily Theater Editor Being a theater lover, you've planned a trip to New York City over the holidays. (And if you haven't, you'd better book your plane now). You've got a list of choices a mile long - since October there have been over 15 Broadway openings. Here is a condensed listing, along with a few useful tidbits. Shows marked with an asterisk are Melissa's must-sees.