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Belching Cows: Hamness Intrusion
or Threat to Our Environment?
::: ::: According to Time magazine,
"The government is paying
$210,000 to find out whether
burping cows contribute to
global warming." The article
explains that monitors will be
attached to cows to determine
how much methane they emit
through belching. Evidently
flatulence contributes to global
warming.
<... ASeveral questions leap to
CIT mind. First off, what is the
government going to do with
this information? What if the experiment reveals that cow
burping is, in fact, a major contributor to global warming?
Will we have to embark on a nationwide program training
all of the cows to not belch, or at least cover there mouths
when they do? Will we attach little pilot flames onto the
cows' mouths? The latter plan is dangerous, raising the
terrible specter of cow explosions. Whatever your position
is on the Persian Gulf crisis, we can all agree that Saddam
Hussein is less likely to be intimidated by a nation buried
knee-deep in cow parts.
This information sheds doubt on our basic conceptions
of the political nature of food. For instance, socially
conscious liberals tend to avoid foods such as: Domino's
pizza (because owner Tom Monaghan donates thousands
of dollars to right-wing and anti-abortion groups), Salva-
doran coffee (to protest death squads), and cauliflower,
which, for reasons I have explained in a previous column,
could lead to an outbreak of multiple rampaging gigantic
man-eating mutant pythons.
On the other hand, there are certain politically accept-
able foods that you should eat. For instance, the Latin
American Solidarity Committee (LASC) regularly holds
"beans and rice dinners." This helps you relate to op-
pressed Central American peasants, and shows that you're
not a flesh-eating yankee imperialist. In other words, a
beans and rice dinner is thought to be about as socially
conscious a meal there is.
But this new information about the connection between
flatulence and global warming changes everything. After
eating all those beans, members of LASC probably go
home and contribute to global warming quite a bit, if you
get my drift. (Get it? Drift?) I'm not suggesting that every
member of LASC is a hypocritical idealist who claims to be
saving the world but actually does serious, permanent
environmental damage through regular emission of copious
quantities of methane. I am suggesting that if I lived with
one of them, I would keep the windows open on "beans
and rice" night.
So after we start boycotting beans, we should take
another food item off of the boycott list. I pick veal. Veal
has a bad reputation because the young veal calves are
cruelly forced to live in tiny, dark boxes with no room for
movement or interaction. In other words, it's exactly the
same thing as living in an economy triple, the only differ-
ence being that the calves don't have to sleep in lofts. We
residents of economy triples do, however. And I'm willing
to bet that if one of those calves spent a night in my room,
it would go scurrying back to its dark little box.
Actually, my roommates and I weren'tforced to build
lofts. If we had to do it all over again, we would have
chosen more comfortable sleeping arrangements, such as
jumping into laundry bags at night and hanging ourselves
out the window. It just seemed like a reasonable plan at
the time. Of course, in the interest of fairness (always a
high priority in this column), I should also mention the
benefits of sleeping in a loft: I have developed an ex-
tremely high pain threshold.
The reason for this is that when my alarm goes off, I
consistently fail to remember that I'm in a loft. As a result,
I often begin my day by casually stepping out of bed,
falling six feet to the ground, stumbling across the room
trying to regain my balance, hitting my head on my
roommate's loft, and passing out on the floor. After a few
months of "Beep! Beep! Beep!" (yawn) "AIEEEE!"
Thump! (groan), I kind of got used to the routine.
So if you're going to feel sorry for anybody, it should be
us, not those veal calves. In fact, you should eat as much
veal as possible, killing off those calves before they grow
up and live a life of environmentally harmful methane
burping. And LASC members, avoid those beans and rice
dinners-you've already increased global warming enough.
Exactly how much, we couldn't be sure unless we con-
ducted a study to find out. I bet the government would
pay for it.
Rich People Unfortunate Enough
To Be in the Public Eye in 1990
The first time I noticed how
strange people are was when I
wore a polyester suit and
pretended I worked in the
lingerie section of Sears. "Yes
ma'am, that looks great on you.
Of course, I would say you look
great if you were standing there
naked covered in peanut oil
wearing a catcher's mask and
CRA .IG . holding a can of tuna. If we
LINNE sold tuna."
The second time I noticed
how strange people are was when I went to the Lost and
Found at Meijer and asked if they had my virginity. This
joke is stale, but the Meijer people are so helpful and in
tune with high brow humor that they looked. Then they
called the department manager. He looked. Then the
department manager phoned the store manager over. She
looked. Soon the entire corporation became involved in a
nationwide search, which continued as I appeared on
Geraldo and The Love Connection. Televised appeals
were done by Shirley MacLaine, Dan Quayle and Benji.
My face was plastered on Meijer milk cartons with the
query, "Have you slept with this man? Would you want
to?" Finally, Meijer personnel called in the Pinkerton
Agency, an established private detection firm which
charged the supermarket chain $550,000 to explain to
them that it had only been a bad pun and that the nation-
wide womanhunt could be called off. I also didn't want my
mother to find out.
The third time I noticed how strange people are was
when I witnessed the mass wedding performed for the
Moonies by Rev. Sun Myung Moon-that lovable, non-
taxable deity. The only logical explanation is that the
Reverend has perfected a technique for replacing the
human brain with the brain of a lemming. That is why you
never see Moonies vacationing near cliffs.
My interest in strange people is related to the fact that
my brother considered it baby-sitting whenever he locked
me in the washer while feeding me nothing but chocolate
bunny heads and timing how long it took me to get
nauseous during different spin cycles. This has given me
special insight into people who earn enough to bail out
Brazil. I would like to list a few examples of people who
are famous, rich, and weird.
Sinead O'Connor
The absolute best way to win over a large crowd is to
tell them their national anthem sucks. The second best
way to win over a large crowd is to dress as strangely as
possible at all awards ceremonies. This technique has
worked for Barbara Streisand, Cher, and Patti LaBelle.
O'Connor scores points for signing to mud wrestle Frank
Sinatra on the Jerry Lewis telethon, but she loses points
for slowing down Andrew Dice Clay's fade into oblivion.
I would like to say I hope her brain surgery was a
success.
Donald Trump
The only person to show up to the Save George
Steinbrenner rally, Trump doesn't have any fans in his
bathrooms because he loves the smell of his own shit.
First, he outwits Merv Griffin by pointing to the sky and
shouting "LOOK!" and pretending to be the Voice of
God, telling Merv that Vanna White really wants men who
own something named "Trump." The Donald then
divorces the beauty queen business manager for a woman
who thinks salads are made by spraying Right Guard on a
head of lettuce while wearing a bikini. Donald then gets in
money trouble when he loses all of his assets in the home
version of "Trump: The Game" to Mike 'Tyson. (Iron
Mike spends the majority of his leisure time eating Legos
since he's never been able to figure out what they're for-
some think it's because he once saw a vacuum eat one.
Others think his problem is a combination of dyslexia and
the "Leggo my Eggo" ads. It is largely believed that Mike
lost to Buster Douglas because he'd just quaffed the Lunar
Landing Kit that Robin Givens gave him.) Then Donald
watches as Mike loses all his winnings to Don King when
Don bets Mike he can say "all fifty states" in less than ten
seconds.
NOTE: Jose Canseco is not mentioned in this column
because if I see him on the freeway, he'll shoot me.
Besides,I still owe his 900-number $56.16. (It took me
that long to figure out it wasn't Buxom Babes' Secret
Confessions on Housetraining Sea Otters, that's why.)
Madonna
Let us all remember that her first hit was a remake of
that classic, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." She married
Sean Penn and then dated Warren Beatty; those actions
are enough for an incompetency hearing in Canada. She
scores points for showing that MTV only puts up with
heavy metal groups hosing down naked women in cages as
opposed to naked women hosing themselves down in
cages. (The heavy metal group is the victim, see?) How-
ever, Madonna loses points for discussing oral sex with
Arsenio Hall, which is like discussing foreign policy in the
eighties with Reagan. She was last seen in a commercial in
which she tried to convince America's youth to vote by
utilizing their pituitary glands: "Come vote! Let your
glands secrete!"
Donny Osmond
Last we saw Donny, he was hosting a variety show with
his sister that the entire food chain of Utah watched. Now
Marie is in the country music industry and Donny appears
on Club MTV. You'd think such bright entertainers from
the seventies would have gotten a better deal from the
devil. Osmonds never read the fine print.
OK, so it's not "the most
important meal of the day" and its
not part of one's Recommended Daily
Allowance. But lunch has its own
niche among the Big Three of meals,
especially among campus "Lunchers."
Lunchers are those who look at the
noon hour meal as a way to remain
firm and fast friends with people
named Jim that they haven't seen since
their dorm days.
Lunches are those who are too
slothfulto walk home in the cold just
to eat Ramen noodles or microwave
burritos. And the thought of peanut
butter on rice cakes simply won't do.
Most importantly, when Lunchers
say "We'll/do lunch," they do.
This column is for Lunchers-
those with the requisite availability,
flexibility, and enthusiasm to blow
four (or five or six) dollars each day.
This column is especially for the
Lunchers who have trapped themselves
in the McDonald's-Little Caesar's-1
Taco Bell triangle of tedium.1
Believe us when we say the Ann
Arbor lunch scene is truly "diverse,"
or, dare we say, "multicultural."
Every week, we'll touch on a different'
campus culinary corner-from
upscale eateries to downscale dives,
from traditional continental cuisine
to far-flung foreign fare.
Today we'll explore Ann Arbor's
restau rants of Asian persuasion.
Foigive us for ignoring those which
specialize in Chinese food-there are~
too many of them and too few ways to
prepare sweet and sour chicken.
Instead we will/limit our palate to
Thai, Korean, and Japanese foods
near campus.
Bangkok III
Located in the Union, the
advantage of Bangkok III is the
eclectic mix of people in the
MUG. The disadvantage is the
eclectic mix of people in the
MUG. Actually, Bangkok is
strategically tucked away from
the grease of Little Caesar's and
the smog of the MUG's smoking
section.
Bangkok III proves the adage
that the success of restaurants
depends on three factors: location,
location, and location. Besides
having the most accessible
location on campus, Bangkok III
also benefits from generous
portions and the fact that
students can soon use Entr6e Plus
cards there.
The fact that its dishes are pre-
prepared and kept hot in metal
bins makes us think Bangkok
could easily be transplanted to a
suburban mall food court,
however.
The sparse menu is split
between Thai and Chinese dishes.
The Thai half of the menu
includes Chicken and Beef Curry,
Tofu with Cashews, and Stir
Fried Vegetables.
Don't expect from Bangkok's
selections what you may have
tried elsewhere. Expect a little
grease, not much spice, and not
much money-entrees are $3.25,
with egg rolls costing the
obligatory $1.00.
The Chinese half of the menu
includes Almond Chicken, Beef
with Broccoli, and Chicken Fried
Rice.
Hinodae Sunrise
Formerly Donburi, it may as
well be called Hinodae Surprise.
Located behind Jason's Sandwich
and Ice Cream Caf6 on State St.,
Hinodae is unbeknownst to most
but highly prized by those who
have stepped inside. Hinodae has a
growing core of regular
customers, as word has spread of
its Japanese fare.
If there is a downside to
Hinodae, it is that the noon hour
lines have approached those of
CRISP-like proportions.
Fortunately, trendiness has not -
fully invaded H-inodae-r'ie --
owners and employees know not
only the students and professors
who frequent the establishment,
but also what they order.
One student who graduated
last May returned for a visit this
fall and received a hug and his
usual Chicken Teriyaki sans
scallions upon entering the
restaurant. The Teriyaki-
charbroiled strips of chicken on a
bed of rice-is probably
Hinodae's most popular dish and
is served with scallions and a
controversial secret sauce. (No,
it's not Thousand Island
dressing). Some dub the thick,
Ann Arbor faithfully fills
appetites for Asian fare
- I
- U
recommended. Also on the menu
are vegetarian dishes and daily
specials such as Sushi and Bi-
Bim-Bob.
While the Spring Rolls are
unspectacular, the Gyoza, a
Japanese fried won ton, compares
favorably to its Chinese
counterpart. The only problem is
the price: $1.30 for four.
Entr6es are under four dollars.
Steve's Lunch
As Ann Arbor becomes filled
with more and more atriums,
--7r
NOAH FIt4KEL
ERIC LEMONY
brown sauce tangy and zesty.
Others deem it a petroleum-based
goo.
Other palate pleasers include
Tanin (marinated beef) and
Oyako (chicken) in rice with
onions, scallions, and egg. A spicy
cabbage sauce is optional, but
food courts, and cute sidewalks
with potted plants, Steve's
Lunch on South University is a
refreshing breath of blue collar
atmosphere. (Let's face it, any
place that calls itself Steve's
Lunch can't take itself too
seriously). If you don't mind
sitting at a long counter with a
wide assortment of people, you
can get a lot of Bi-Bim-Bob for
your buck or an egg breakfast for
a price that ends with .99.
Steve's is best known,
however, for its Korean food,
which might make it the best
lunchtime destination of its type
near campus. The Bi-Bim-Bob-
which consists of meat, spinach,
bean sprouts, cucumbers,
carrots, cabbage, and a fried egg
on rice-is the restaurant's
specialty and is served in a tin
bowl big enough to bathe a small
child. The two of us are by no
means fans of rabbit food, but we
rave about this vegetable-laden
_dish.
Another winner is the Spicy
Chicken-marinated strips with
onions and peppers on rice. Spicy
Squid, Spicy Pork and Tofu are
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Considering
THE MICHIGAN BBA?
ATTEND AN INFORMATION SESSION
:
:." "_ . .. t
.
" . t
+Mi
ti 4n wr A
ls 4
Tuesday, January 22nd 1991
School of Business Administration
Root 1270
4:00 -5:00 PM
The Return O
Colorful Scara
Scarab - symbol of good Iuc
worn by the Egyptians as a
The scarab beetle is carved
stones. Stop In And See C
For additional information
we invite you to contact:
Office of Admissions and Student Services
1235 School of Business Administration
(313) 763-5796
i w ir . ni nn m i i irio u i i .m rrir r
JANUARY 18, 1991
WEEKEND.,
I _________I_____________________________ ,
PAGE 6
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WEEKEND
JANi