0 b Belching Cows: Hamness Intrusion or Threat to Our Environment? ::: ::: According to Time magazine, "The government is paying $210,000 to find out whether burping cows contribute to global warming." The article explains that monitors will be attached to cows to determine how much methane they emit through belching. Evidently flatulence contributes to global warming. <... ASeveral questions leap to CIT mind. First off, what is the government going to do with this information? What if the experiment reveals that cow burping is, in fact, a major contributor to global warming? Will we have to embark on a nationwide program training all of the cows to not belch, or at least cover there mouths when they do? Will we attach little pilot flames onto the cows' mouths? The latter plan is dangerous, raising the terrible specter of cow explosions. Whatever your position is on the Persian Gulf crisis, we can all agree that Saddam Hussein is less likely to be intimidated by a nation buried knee-deep in cow parts. This information sheds doubt on our basic conceptions of the political nature of food. For instance, socially conscious liberals tend to avoid foods such as: Domino's pizza (because owner Tom Monaghan donates thousands of dollars to right-wing and anti-abortion groups), Salva- doran coffee (to protest death squads), and cauliflower, which, for reasons I have explained in a previous column, could lead to an outbreak of multiple rampaging gigantic man-eating mutant pythons. On the other hand, there are certain politically accept- able foods that you should eat. For instance, the Latin American Solidarity Committee (LASC) regularly holds "beans and rice dinners." This helps you relate to op- pressed Central American peasants, and shows that you're not a flesh-eating yankee imperialist. In other words, a beans and rice dinner is thought to be about as socially conscious a meal there is. But this new information about the connection between flatulence and global warming changes everything. After eating all those beans, members of LASC probably go home and contribute to global warming quite a bit, if you get my drift. (Get it? Drift?) I'm not suggesting that every member of LASC is a hypocritical idealist who claims to be saving the world but actually does serious, permanent environmental damage through regular emission of copious quantities of methane. I am suggesting that if I lived with one of them, I would keep the windows open on "beans and rice" night. So after we start boycotting beans, we should take another food item off of the boycott list. I pick veal. Veal has a bad reputation because the young veal calves are cruelly forced to live in tiny, dark boxes with no room for movement or interaction. In other words, it's exactly the same thing as living in an economy triple, the only differ- ence being that the calves don't have to sleep in lofts. We residents of economy triples do, however. And I'm willing to bet that if one of those calves spent a night in my room, it would go scurrying back to its dark little box. Actually, my roommates and I weren'tforced to build lofts. If we had to do it all over again, we would have chosen more comfortable sleeping arrangements, such as jumping into laundry bags at night and hanging ourselves out the window. It just seemed like a reasonable plan at the time. Of course, in the interest of fairness (always a high priority in this column), I should also mention the benefits of sleeping in a loft: I have developed an ex- tremely high pain threshold. The reason for this is that when my alarm goes off, I consistently fail to remember that I'm in a loft. As a result, I often begin my day by casually stepping out of bed, falling six feet to the ground, stumbling across the room trying to regain my balance, hitting my head on my roommate's loft, and passing out on the floor. After a few months of "Beep! Beep! Beep!" (yawn) "AIEEEE!" Thump! (groan), I kind of got used to the routine. So if you're going to feel sorry for anybody, it should be us, not those veal calves. In fact, you should eat as much veal as possible, killing off those calves before they grow up and live a life of environmentally harmful methane burping. And LASC members, avoid those beans and rice dinners-you've already increased global warming enough. Exactly how much, we couldn't be sure unless we con- ducted a study to find out. I bet the government would pay for it. Rich People Unfortunate Enough To Be in the Public Eye in 1990 The first time I noticed how strange people are was when I wore a polyester suit and pretended I worked in the lingerie section of Sears. "Yes ma'am, that looks great on you. Of course, I would say you look great if you were standing there naked covered in peanut oil wearing a catcher's mask and CRA .IG . holding a can of tuna. If we LINNE sold tuna." The second time I noticed how strange people are was when I went to the Lost and Found at Meijer and asked if they had my virginity. This joke is stale, but the Meijer people are so helpful and in tune with high brow humor that they looked. Then they called the department manager. He looked. Then the department manager phoned the store manager over. She looked. Soon the entire corporation became involved in a nationwide search, which continued as I appeared on Geraldo and The Love Connection. Televised appeals were done by Shirley MacLaine, Dan Quayle and Benji. My face was plastered on Meijer milk cartons with the query, "Have you slept with this man? Would you want to?" Finally, Meijer personnel called in the Pinkerton Agency, an established private detection firm which charged the supermarket chain $550,000 to explain to them that it had only been a bad pun and that the nation- wide womanhunt could be called off. I also didn't want my mother to find out. The third time I noticed how strange people are was when I witnessed the mass wedding performed for the Moonies by Rev. Sun Myung Moon-that lovable, non- taxable deity. The only logical explanation is that the Reverend has perfected a technique for replacing the human brain with the brain of a lemming. That is why you never see Moonies vacationing near cliffs. My interest in strange people is related to the fact that my brother considered it baby-sitting whenever he locked me in the washer while feeding me nothing but chocolate bunny heads and timing how long it took me to get nauseous during different spin cycles. This has given me special insight into people who earn enough to bail out Brazil. I would like to list a few examples of people who are famous, rich, and weird. Sinead O'Connor The absolute best way to win over a large crowd is to tell them their national anthem sucks. The second best way to win over a large crowd is to dress as strangely as possible at all awards ceremonies. This technique has worked for Barbara Streisand, Cher, and Patti LaBelle. O'Connor scores points for signing to mud wrestle Frank Sinatra on the Jerry Lewis telethon, but she loses points for slowing down Andrew Dice Clay's fade into oblivion. I would like to say I hope her brain surgery was a success. Donald Trump The only person to show up to the Save George Steinbrenner rally, Trump doesn't have any fans in his bathrooms because he loves the smell of his own shit. First, he outwits Merv Griffin by pointing to the sky and shouting "LOOK!" and pretending to be the Voice of God, telling Merv that Vanna White really wants men who own something named "Trump." The Donald then divorces the beauty queen business manager for a woman who thinks salads are made by spraying Right Guard on a head of lettuce while wearing a bikini. Donald then gets in money trouble when he loses all of his assets in the home version of "Trump: The Game" to Mike 'Tyson. (Iron Mike spends the majority of his leisure time eating Legos since he's never been able to figure out what they're for- some think it's because he once saw a vacuum eat one. Others think his problem is a combination of dyslexia and the "Leggo my Eggo" ads. It is largely believed that Mike lost to Buster Douglas because he'd just quaffed the Lunar Landing Kit that Robin Givens gave him.) Then Donald watches as Mike loses all his winnings to Don King when Don bets Mike he can say "all fifty states" in less than ten seconds. NOTE: Jose Canseco is not mentioned in this column because if I see him on the freeway, he'll shoot me. Besides,I still owe his 900-number $56.16. (It took me that long to figure out it wasn't Buxom Babes' Secret Confessions on Housetraining Sea Otters, that's why.) Madonna Let us all remember that her first hit was a remake of that classic, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star." She married Sean Penn and then dated Warren Beatty; those actions are enough for an incompetency hearing in Canada. She scores points for showing that MTV only puts up with heavy metal groups hosing down naked women in cages as opposed to naked women hosing themselves down in cages. (The heavy metal group is the victim, see?) How- ever, Madonna loses points for discussing oral sex with Arsenio Hall, which is like discussing foreign policy in the eighties with Reagan. She was last seen in a commercial in which she tried to convince America's youth to vote by utilizing their pituitary glands: "Come vote! Let your glands secrete!" Donny Osmond Last we saw Donny, he was hosting a variety show with his sister that the entire food chain of Utah watched. Now Marie is in the country music industry and Donny appears on Club MTV. You'd think such bright entertainers from the seventies would have gotten a better deal from the devil. Osmonds never read the fine print. OK, so it's not "the most important meal of the day" and its not part of one's Recommended Daily Allowance. But lunch has its own niche among the Big Three of meals, especially among campus "Lunchers." Lunchers are those who look at the noon hour meal as a way to remain firm and fast friends with people named Jim that they haven't seen since their dorm days. Lunches are those who are too slothfulto walk home in the cold just to eat Ramen noodles or microwave burritos. And the thought of peanut butter on rice cakes simply won't do. Most importantly, when Lunchers say "We'll/do lunch," they do. This column is for Lunchers- those with the requisite availability, flexibility, and enthusiasm to blow four (or five or six) dollars each day. This column is especially for the Lunchers who have trapped themselves in the McDonald's-Little Caesar's-1 Taco Bell triangle of tedium.1 Believe us when we say the Ann Arbor lunch scene is truly "diverse," or, dare we say, "multicultural." Every week, we'll touch on a different' campus culinary corner-from upscale eateries to downscale dives, from traditional continental cuisine to far-flung foreign fare. Today we'll explore Ann Arbor's restau rants of Asian persuasion. Foigive us for ignoring those which specialize in Chinese food-there are~ too many of them and too few ways to prepare sweet and sour chicken. Instead we will/limit our palate to Thai, Korean, and Japanese foods near campus. Bangkok III Located in the Union, the advantage of Bangkok III is the eclectic mix of people in the MUG. The disadvantage is the eclectic mix of people in the MUG. Actually, Bangkok is strategically tucked away from the grease of Little Caesar's and the smog of the MUG's smoking section. Bangkok III proves the adage that the success of restaurants depends on three factors: location, location, and location. Besides having the most accessible location on campus, Bangkok III also benefits from generous portions and the fact that students can soon use Entr6e Plus cards there. The fact that its dishes are pre- prepared and kept hot in metal bins makes us think Bangkok could easily be transplanted to a suburban mall food court, however. The sparse menu is split between Thai and Chinese dishes. The Thai half of the menu includes Chicken and Beef Curry, Tofu with Cashews, and Stir Fried Vegetables. Don't expect from Bangkok's selections what you may have tried elsewhere. Expect a little grease, not much spice, and not much money-entrees are $3.25, with egg rolls costing the obligatory $1.00. The Chinese half of the menu includes Almond Chicken, Beef with Broccoli, and Chicken Fried Rice. Hinodae Sunrise Formerly Donburi, it may as well be called Hinodae Surprise. Located behind Jason's Sandwich and Ice Cream Caf6 on State St., Hinodae is unbeknownst to most but highly prized by those who have stepped inside. Hinodae has a growing core of regular customers, as word has spread of its Japanese fare. If there is a downside to Hinodae, it is that the noon hour lines have approached those of CRISP-like proportions. Fortunately, trendiness has not - fully invaded H-inodae-r'ie -- owners and employees know not only the students and professors who frequent the establishment, but also what they order. One student who graduated last May returned for a visit this fall and received a hug and his usual Chicken Teriyaki sans scallions upon entering the restaurant. The Teriyaki- charbroiled strips of chicken on a bed of rice-is probably Hinodae's most popular dish and is served with scallions and a controversial secret sauce. (No, it's not Thousand Island dressing). Some dub the thick, Ann Arbor faithfully fills appetites for Asian fare - I - U recommended. Also on the menu are vegetarian dishes and daily specials such as Sushi and Bi- Bim-Bob. While the Spring Rolls are unspectacular, the Gyoza, a Japanese fried won ton, compares favorably to its Chinese counterpart. The only problem is the price: $1.30 for four. Entr6es are under four dollars. Steve's Lunch As Ann Arbor becomes filled with more and more atriums, --7r NOAH FIt4KEL ERIC LEMONY brown sauce tangy and zesty. Others deem it a petroleum-based goo. Other palate pleasers include Tanin (marinated beef) and Oyako (chicken) in rice with onions, scallions, and egg. A spicy cabbage sauce is optional, but food courts, and cute sidewalks with potted plants, Steve's Lunch on South University is a refreshing breath of blue collar atmosphere. (Let's face it, any place that calls itself Steve's Lunch can't take itself too seriously). If you don't mind sitting at a long counter with a wide assortment of people, you can get a lot of Bi-Bim-Bob for your buck or an egg breakfast for a price that ends with .99. Steve's is best known, however, for its Korean food, which might make it the best lunchtime destination of its type near campus. The Bi-Bim-Bob- which consists of meat, spinach, bean sprouts, cucumbers, carrots, cabbage, and a fried egg on rice-is the restaurant's specialty and is served in a tin bowl big enough to bathe a small child. The two of us are by no means fans of rabbit food, but we rave about this vegetable-laden _dish. Another winner is the Spicy Chicken-marinated strips with onions and peppers on rice. Spicy Squid, Spicy Pork and Tofu are 0 t th h sa q $ a h e sc cc I n c th a b w th in 01 bl s. ul m m 02 V4 ;a le Considering THE MICHIGAN BBA? ATTEND AN INFORMATION SESSION : :." "_ . .. t . " . t +Mi ti 4n wr A ls 4 Tuesday, January 22nd 1991 School of Business Administration Root 1270 4:00 -5:00 PM The Return O Colorful Scara Scarab - symbol of good Iuc worn by the Egyptians as a The scarab beetle is carved stones. Stop In And See C For additional information we invite you to contact: Office of Admissions and Student Services 1235 School of Business Administration (313) 763-5796 i w ir . ni nn m i i irio u i i .m rrir r JANUARY 18, 1991 WEEKEND., I _________I_____________________________ , PAGE 6 PAGE 1,1 WEEKEND JANi