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Unofficial Excerpts from the
Diary of Dr. Moreau
- -^-}- n I attended a zoology class
where, coincidentally, a
zoologist spoke. He showed us
two Brazilian cockroaches which
were about eight inches in
length. To demonstrate how
cuddly these creatures are, he
j ~ hung them from his nipples. He
then offered to hang them off
my nipples, but I declined,
citing that I only had
CRAIG mammograms done by
accredited doctors and had no
idea what medical school the
cockroaches had attended. Mysteriously encouraged, he
went on with zoo anecdotes. The most interesting stories
dealt with rhinos.
, A rhino hide is too thick for x-rays. The only way to
check for colon problems in a rhinoceros is a procedure
which requires a zoologist who really likes rhinos, and a
glove that covers 75% of said zoologist. Many zoologists are
still investigating claims that the rhinos are enjoying this
far more than they let on. This stirred my business
acumen, so I took aside my zoologist friend - he was still
wearing his cross-your-heart cockroaches - and outlined a
plan.
First, we would start an insurance firm specifically for
zoologists. Imagine: an overzealous zoologist has an arm up
to the shoulder in the north end of a southbound rhino,
looking around as if he's lost his keys inside. All of a
sudden the rhino is possessed by the spirit of Carmine
from Laverne and Shirley and decides to do the Lambada.
If you've ever been intimate with an animal over 500
pounds, you know that as the rhino goes, you go. (Picture a
rhino doing the Forbidden Dance with a zoologist wishing
like hell he'd gotten the monkey cages that day.) If
enough zoologists show up in the emergency room with
mangled arms smelling like rhino chips, I have a market.
Then, my zoologist friend and I would start a 900-
number where he could talk about rhino lube jobs and
cockroach nipple-clinging competitions, and maybe
someday get to host a show on late-night ESPN with Lyle
Alzado. The market is there because most of the economy
of Las Vegas is based on activities of this sort.
I ended up suing my friend for assaulting me with a
cockroach. The suit was dismissed on the grounds that the
jury thought I look funny. My zoologist friend won her
countersuit for lewdness and obscenity. The cases were
tried in Florida.
My affidavit in the trial read as follows:
Why did my hamster want to eat me? I generally
smell like what you get if you scrape the Toxic
Avenger's shower curtain. I was once The Asparagus in
the school play, but nobody liked me before that,
anyway. I never use parsley as a fashion accessory, and I
haven't worn the Tender Vittles can outfit in years. I
save all the wax from my ears to make candles for my
family, which is why I'm out of my parents' will. What
that ftct has to do with this escapes me, but I would be
the only one reading USA Today if we all got
swallowed by a whale.
I saved humanity when I fed Flufster Mexican food
for a week, trapped him in his Gerbil-Rolls-Around ball,
threw in a match and shot him out of a funnelator. I
read in Popular Mechanics that this is the only way to
effectively reproduce the sound of Dr. Ruth having
multiple orgasms after imbibing helium.
The judge gave me a choice between two sentences.
One was a sword duel with Mongo, Champion of
Zoologists, where Mongo would wield a scimitar and I
would be given a Ken doll. My second choice was to
attend ASPCA meetings forever.
My first motion at my first meeting was to have a bake
sale featuring white seal fajitas/breast of bald eagle with a
free package of Mary Kay cosmetics for every purchase.
Surprisingly, this motion failed. The next motion was for
my lynching, which- passed unanimously and allows me to
this day to park in handicapped zones.
"...
The upshot of all this is, there's a new way to win cash
prizes on "America's Population is So Desperate for
Fifteen Minutes of Fame They Commit War Crimes
Home Videos."
Here's how it works. Get a U-Haul truck. Go to the
Yukon on Uniroyals. Abduct a male moose by posing as an
advertising executive looking to replace the Merrill Lynch
bull in a new commercial. (Meese are easily starstruck.
Herds were lost to drug addiction when they became
groupies for Debbie Gibson.) Secure a moose and shave it
completely. Now tattoo Pat Nixon and Dan Quayle
wrestling naked with a llama over the caption "This was
funded by the NEA: It's art." Be sure to drive on smooth
roads, as the only thing more dangerous than a carsick
moose in a U-Haul is a rhino suffering from zoologist
constipation getting teased by rednecks.
Upon arriving home, give the moose an aphrodisiac.
Then offer to hand him over to a zoologist who owns a
glove that covers 75% of his body. If he declines, mention
how many female meese purchase insurance. Sneak into
your neighbor's house and hide the moose in the
dishwasher. Videotape the results and market it in
Sweden.
Dan Quayle, at his press conference on the incident,
will throw out the first ball in a state of confusion that
rivals Reagan on crack. Your neighbors will be so happy to
be on TV that they'll pay their own hospital bills. To care
for the moose, mix sixteen quaaludes in his Cream of
Wheat and he'll fall in love with your riding lawn mower,
provided that you put a stereo on the seat with Andy Gibb
playing.
In my dream I was abducted by a biker gang of Shriners
called "Donate or Die." They took me to a synchronized
swim meet between brain-damaged seals on acid and the
British Royal Family. The seals won because Charles
wouldn't take off any of his medals and kept sinking.
This week we will take a look
at some of Ann Arbor's
"sleepers." Because they are either
new, off the beaten path or
tucked away in a hidden enclave,
these restaurants are known to
only the hardiest of campus
Lunchers.
Hoping that not too many
people will now flood their
humble gates, (we hate to wait
for tables) we review three
restaurants that go unappreciated
and underfrequented by the mass
eating public. If, through this
article, we can reach out and
inform just one person, it's all
worth it.
Frank's Restaurant
Not to be confused with the
now defunct Frank's Place (CBS,
Tim Reid, circa 1988), Frank's
Restaurant is more like Cheers -
a place where everybody knows
your name. Frank's gets much of
its business from regulars such as
Daily staffers and University
officials who like to sit down,
relax, sip a cup of coffee, read the
newspaper or smoke a cigarette.
Located on Maynard Street,
Frank's provides the blueprint
for a campus sleeper:
It doesn't advertise.
It's buried under Tower
Plaza apartments and between
Gold Bond cleaners and an as-of-
yet unknown clothing store
It is often invisible (its glass
front often fogs up on wintry days).
It is called Frank's.
But if you're'lucky enough to
hear about Frank's through word
of mouth, a simple, yet varied
traditional menu can be enjoyed.
Simply put, Frank's is a diner
that also offers Greek specialties.
Palate pleasers include grilled
cheese, cheeseburgers, hot turkey
sandwich and eggs any style.
Western omelettes and eggs with
pancakes are well worth their
price of just over $3.00. The grilled
cheese, while grilled cheese, comes
with pickles and is reasonably
priced at $1.70. Frank's is also one
of the few places on campus that
serves fried chicken. A good, hot
and spicy fried chicken.
Heaping portions of onion
rings and whipped potatoes are
winners as side dishes. And the
Friday macaroni and cheese
special makes the usual lunch
rush a bit heavier.
None of Frank's offerings is
fancy or terribly unique, but
Frank's does them consistently
well and with brisk, genial
service.
The menu, however, does
contain some landmines. There
has been no documented case of a
patron ordering the Frostey Veal
Cutlet. And, as of the time this
story went to print, we know of
no soul brave enough to order
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Before then, we only knew of the
Coffee Break as that big, brown
restaurant across from the Bagel
Factory on South U.
But on that fateful day early
this week, in the name of culinary
journalism, we entered the Coffee
Break expecting some
watercress and egg salad
sandwiches or maybe some
breakfast items. How were we to
know that a place called "The
Coffee Break" advertising
"sandwiches and baked goods" is
actually a hidden Korean
restaurant?
How were we to know that
the Coffee Break is really a Steve s
Lunch without the lines - and
with four tables?
How were we to know that
you can order two eggs, two slices
of toast and two slices of bacon
Sleepers: The RC Cola of Campus
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U
New Jersey Isn't Hell -
Purgatory, Maybe, But Not Hell
Most students here are either
from the Midwest or New York.
Midwesterners don't know too
much about New Jersey; New
Yorkers think they do, but
they're wrong. Well, let me tell
you about my home state. No
"What exit?" jokes, please.
Actually, I had never even heard
that joke until I came to Michi-
gan, where it is perpetuated each
LARRY year by those damn Friars, who
recycle it for every Freshmen
Convocation. If this lame crack
at the New Jersey public road system is not stopped, I may
have to take some drastic measures -like building a
shanty or something.
I think some people in Michigan have a superiority
complex just because they can do that hand thing to show
others where they come from. I really think that the state
of New Jersey gets a bad rap for being one big toilet with
no trees. This is not true. There are at least two trees in
Morristown and a shrub in Freehold with some real growth
potential.
The reputation for being a hellhole comes from the fact
that when people fly into the Garden State, they get to
view Newark and Elizabeth (a.k.a. Cancer Alley)-- cities
which are, well, hellholes. But don't think that the rest of
the state gets the same amount of acid rain. In fact, since
Jersey's on the coast, the prevailing winds from the south
safely export most of it up to Nova Scotia.
My hometown of Nutley, NJ, is near Newark, so it's
like Hellhole Jr. The town is named Nutley because there
are a lot of nuts in it - nut trees, that is. Okay, so it's a
goofy name, but I've heard of worse. For example, I've
been told that Novi, MI, got its name from being originally
marked off as Section No. VI. If anyone knows where
Hell, MI, got its name, let me know.
Nutley is the home of the Hoffman La Roche pharma-
ceutical company and ITT defense industries. I remember
hearing a rumor that the town actually was restricted
during times of war for security reasons and some out-of-
towners were prevented from stepping over city limits. Of
course, the residents wouldn't mind being shut off because
this would probably incite the long-awaited drug free-for-
all at La Roche.
Nutley has its share of problems. For one thing, the
mayor owns the town S&L. Just about says it all, doesn't
it? Also adding to the charm of Nutley is the effect of its
metropolitan influences. For instance, one of the schools in
Nutley's division is Paterson Eastside (remember the
school in the movie Lean On Me?). A really nice place to
walk your dog at night if it happens to be a pit bull. A
former wrestling coach at Nutley high school once told me
that when his team visited lastside and used the girls'
locker room, there was a big sex scoreboard upon which
some of the Eastside girls kept track of who had slept with
the most boys. I was very upset upon hearing this - partly
because these are dangerous times to be so promiscuous,
but mainly because they wouldn't let me transfer.
However, for all New Jersey's faults, I must say the area
does have a lot more character than most places I've
visited. I don't think I could live in a place like Lowell,
MI, the hometown of my roommate Wabash. Lowell's
newspaper has a feature called "Name That Mystery
Farm" where an aerial view of a farm is shown and the
correct answer wins a free dinner for two and a gallon of
paint. It's good to see the Lowel/Ledger is doing all it can to
prevent the proliferation of the "hick" image.
I am not saying that rural country is not a beautiful part
of this nation and I can see great value in the simple things
like a sunrise and a feeling of oneness with the wilderness,
but how much of that nature crap can a person take? I
thought the reason we had NationalGeographic was so that
we could appreciate nature in small doses without getting
dirty. Their pictures always look ten times better than the
real thing, anyway. Although one might suspect that
Lowell isn't even on the map, it actually earned a spot on
most Michigan maps a few years back when its
McDonald's boasted the largest one-day sales total in the
history of the franchise when Lowell hosted the Gus
Macker basketball tournament.
I couldn't imagine living in Lowell because I find
myself truly happy when I live in a place like Nutley
where I can complain about something different every day.
I'd rather be angry in a place like Nutley than be bored in
a subdivision. And besides, after a while, you don't really
mind the gas mask. In case you're still wondering, that's
Nutley, NJ - Exit 16W.
Fried Smelt.
Not to say that these dishes
aren't award-winning. They may
very well be. We simply don't
know. We have never tried them.
While this may not be the sign of.
quintessential food reviewers,
think about it: Frostey Veal Cutlet.
Frostey.
Veal.
Cutlet.
Again, though, why
experiment? At the counter or in
a two-person booth, you're
sitting in one of the only places on
campus that serves a quality
breakfast/lunch in a friendly
atmosphere for under $5.00.
State Street
Coney Island
Finally, a place to go late at
night besides the Brown Jug.
Relax. Steady. We love the
slug. We just get tired of ending
up there every weekend at two in
the morning to order nachos.
The proprietors of State Street
Coney Island, a 24-hour diner on
State near Hill street, must have
recognized this when they opened
their establishment during winter
break.
The Coney has taken on the
awesome task of replacing the
legendary Ann Arbor restaurant
known to many just as "Food." It
seems flags have been flying a
little lower ever since Food - also
known as Sweidan Lil Chef -
passed gently into that good
night. To paraphrase Churchill,
"never have so many mourned the
passing of a restaurant frequented
by so few."
While many may go to the
Coney for their post-bar meal, its
food is good for those whose
judgment is not tainted by
alcohol. It is an excellent (read:
convenient) place for dinner,
breakfast, and, of course, our
favorite meal - lunch.
Coney's design is simple with
five booths in front and roughly
six tables in the back. Its menu,
which doubles as a placemat,
reminds us of a kiddie menu
without the connect-the-dots.
It serves up a surprisingly
expansive menu, from the usual
coney fare to burgers to
sandwiches to salads to shakes to
breakfasts. You can even get a
taco. Look at Coney as a Denny's
with an emphasis on hot dogs and
chili, cheaper prices, and no high
school kids. And you don't have
to drive there.
Coney impresses in small
ways. Home-fried potatoes come
with an order of eggs, for
example, and cream cheese
accompanies a bagel. The simple
fact that Coney offers bagels is a
plus in a bagel-barren
community such as Ann Arbor.
The size and price of the side
dishes are also impressive with a
giant order of chili-and-cheese
fries costing only $1.75.
The Coffee Break
We look at the following
review as a public service.
Hopefully, with the following
review we can enlighten and
inform the 99.44% of the campus
that has not been to the Coffee
Break.
We were part of this vast
majority as early as two days ago.
Chinafff
CHEF
26 years of expe
TOP GOLD MEDA
OFDETROT COB2HALL
Michigan Chefsa CulSi
BLUE lff
VOTED #1 BEST ORIENTAL FOOD IN ANN AR
VOTED #1 BEST CHINESE FOOD IN ANN ARM
LUNCHEON SPECIAL, 11:1
DINE-IN OR TAKE-C
Speclazing in Szechuan, Hun;
1j2l01 S. University, Ann,
Open 7 days a week 11
February 1, 1991
WEEKEIO
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