a 0 ~0 0 0 .. Unofficial Excerpts from the Diary of Dr. Moreau - -^-}- n I attended a zoology class where, coincidentally, a zoologist spoke. He showed us two Brazilian cockroaches which were about eight inches in length. To demonstrate how cuddly these creatures are, he j ~ hung them from his nipples. He then offered to hang them off my nipples, but I declined, citing that I only had CRAIG mammograms done by accredited doctors and had no idea what medical school the cockroaches had attended. Mysteriously encouraged, he went on with zoo anecdotes. The most interesting stories dealt with rhinos. , A rhino hide is too thick for x-rays. The only way to check for colon problems in a rhinoceros is a procedure which requires a zoologist who really likes rhinos, and a glove that covers 75% of said zoologist. Many zoologists are still investigating claims that the rhinos are enjoying this far more than they let on. This stirred my business acumen, so I took aside my zoologist friend - he was still wearing his cross-your-heart cockroaches - and outlined a plan. First, we would start an insurance firm specifically for zoologists. Imagine: an overzealous zoologist has an arm up to the shoulder in the north end of a southbound rhino, looking around as if he's lost his keys inside. All of a sudden the rhino is possessed by the spirit of Carmine from Laverne and Shirley and decides to do the Lambada. If you've ever been intimate with an animal over 500 pounds, you know that as the rhino goes, you go. (Picture a rhino doing the Forbidden Dance with a zoologist wishing like hell he'd gotten the monkey cages that day.) If enough zoologists show up in the emergency room with mangled arms smelling like rhino chips, I have a market. Then, my zoologist friend and I would start a 900- number where he could talk about rhino lube jobs and cockroach nipple-clinging competitions, and maybe someday get to host a show on late-night ESPN with Lyle Alzado. The market is there because most of the economy of Las Vegas is based on activities of this sort. I ended up suing my friend for assaulting me with a cockroach. The suit was dismissed on the grounds that the jury thought I look funny. My zoologist friend won her countersuit for lewdness and obscenity. The cases were tried in Florida. My affidavit in the trial read as follows: Why did my hamster want to eat me? I generally smell like what you get if you scrape the Toxic Avenger's shower curtain. I was once The Asparagus in the school play, but nobody liked me before that, anyway. I never use parsley as a fashion accessory, and I haven't worn the Tender Vittles can outfit in years. I save all the wax from my ears to make candles for my family, which is why I'm out of my parents' will. What that ftct has to do with this escapes me, but I would be the only one reading USA Today if we all got swallowed by a whale. I saved humanity when I fed Flufster Mexican food for a week, trapped him in his Gerbil-Rolls-Around ball, threw in a match and shot him out of a funnelator. I read in Popular Mechanics that this is the only way to effectively reproduce the sound of Dr. Ruth having multiple orgasms after imbibing helium. The judge gave me a choice between two sentences. One was a sword duel with Mongo, Champion of Zoologists, where Mongo would wield a scimitar and I would be given a Ken doll. My second choice was to attend ASPCA meetings forever. My first motion at my first meeting was to have a bake sale featuring white seal fajitas/breast of bald eagle with a free package of Mary Kay cosmetics for every purchase. Surprisingly, this motion failed. The next motion was for my lynching, which- passed unanimously and allows me to this day to park in handicapped zones. "... The upshot of all this is, there's a new way to win cash prizes on "America's Population is So Desperate for Fifteen Minutes of Fame They Commit War Crimes Home Videos." Here's how it works. Get a U-Haul truck. Go to the Yukon on Uniroyals. Abduct a male moose by posing as an advertising executive looking to replace the Merrill Lynch bull in a new commercial. (Meese are easily starstruck. Herds were lost to drug addiction when they became groupies for Debbie Gibson.) Secure a moose and shave it completely. Now tattoo Pat Nixon and Dan Quayle wrestling naked with a llama over the caption "This was funded by the NEA: It's art." Be sure to drive on smooth roads, as the only thing more dangerous than a carsick moose in a U-Haul is a rhino suffering from zoologist constipation getting teased by rednecks. Upon arriving home, give the moose an aphrodisiac. Then offer to hand him over to a zoologist who owns a glove that covers 75% of his body. If he declines, mention how many female meese purchase insurance. Sneak into your neighbor's house and hide the moose in the dishwasher. Videotape the results and market it in Sweden. Dan Quayle, at his press conference on the incident, will throw out the first ball in a state of confusion that rivals Reagan on crack. Your neighbors will be so happy to be on TV that they'll pay their own hospital bills. To care for the moose, mix sixteen quaaludes in his Cream of Wheat and he'll fall in love with your riding lawn mower, provided that you put a stereo on the seat with Andy Gibb playing. In my dream I was abducted by a biker gang of Shriners called "Donate or Die." They took me to a synchronized swim meet between brain-damaged seals on acid and the British Royal Family. The seals won because Charles wouldn't take off any of his medals and kept sinking. This week we will take a look at some of Ann Arbor's "sleepers." Because they are either new, off the beaten path or tucked away in a hidden enclave, these restaurants are known to only the hardiest of campus Lunchers. Hoping that not too many people will now flood their humble gates, (we hate to wait for tables) we review three restaurants that go unappreciated and underfrequented by the mass eating public. If, through this article, we can reach out and inform just one person, it's all worth it. Frank's Restaurant Not to be confused with the now defunct Frank's Place (CBS, Tim Reid, circa 1988), Frank's Restaurant is more like Cheers - a place where everybody knows your name. Frank's gets much of its business from regulars such as Daily staffers and University officials who like to sit down, relax, sip a cup of coffee, read the newspaper or smoke a cigarette. Located on Maynard Street, Frank's provides the blueprint for a campus sleeper: It doesn't advertise. It's buried under Tower Plaza apartments and between Gold Bond cleaners and an as-of- yet unknown clothing store It is often invisible (its glass front often fogs up on wintry days). It is called Frank's. But if you're'lucky enough to hear about Frank's through word of mouth, a simple, yet varied traditional menu can be enjoyed. Simply put, Frank's is a diner that also offers Greek specialties. Palate pleasers include grilled cheese, cheeseburgers, hot turkey sandwich and eggs any style. Western omelettes and eggs with pancakes are well worth their price of just over $3.00. The grilled cheese, while grilled cheese, comes with pickles and is reasonably priced at $1.70. Frank's is also one of the few places on campus that serves fried chicken. A good, hot and spicy fried chicken. Heaping portions of onion rings and whipped potatoes are winners as side dishes. And the Friday macaroni and cheese special makes the usual lunch rush a bit heavier. None of Frank's offerings is fancy or terribly unique, but Frank's does them consistently well and with brisk, genial service. The menu, however, does contain some landmines. There has been no documented case of a patron ordering the Frostey Veal Cutlet. And, as of the time this story went to print, we know of no soul brave enough to order i NOAHIE R I C L E M O N T OUT TO LUNCH FOOD.CONNOISSEURS A T" L A R G E .;, w; w.}"::::;:":y :":":" : ,: i} t: ;;:",{a??:tititi! tiff?{:v:I;:;:;ati;:?. .:ti::v'C4i {"'v tiff:: ..:."' ".v. " " :.: ::::"; : . ......... .:: : v," ":, ......: " :':" '":{:r r : i s, ,:'ti:r::::' iti' ' ' ' '\ : is ,tititi} :'V: is :: ":":":'}::titi '' '' "i :V :"i i : i . :"::::::.''':"": xx ".xi. X, XX Before then, we only knew of the Coffee Break as that big, brown restaurant across from the Bagel Factory on South U. But on that fateful day early this week, in the name of culinary journalism, we entered the Coffee Break expecting some watercress and egg salad sandwiches or maybe some breakfast items. How were we to know that a place called "The Coffee Break" advertising "sandwiches and baked goods" is actually a hidden Korean restaurant? How were we to know that the Coffee Break is really a Steve s Lunch without the lines - and with four tables? How were we to know that you can order two eggs, two slices of toast and two slices of bacon Sleepers: The RC Cola of Campus for j H with we u port (mar with Bim friec thes accc and hot we m and spot A Cor hat kosA 2< Be back in 15 minutes :<:., ,:_ U New Jersey Isn't Hell - Purgatory, Maybe, But Not Hell Most students here are either from the Midwest or New York. Midwesterners don't know too much about New Jersey; New Yorkers think they do, but they're wrong. Well, let me tell you about my home state. No "What exit?" jokes, please. Actually, I had never even heard that joke until I came to Michi- gan, where it is perpetuated each LARRY year by those damn Friars, who recycle it for every Freshmen Convocation. If this lame crack at the New Jersey public road system is not stopped, I may have to take some drastic measures -like building a shanty or something. I think some people in Michigan have a superiority complex just because they can do that hand thing to show others where they come from. I really think that the state of New Jersey gets a bad rap for being one big toilet with no trees. This is not true. There are at least two trees in Morristown and a shrub in Freehold with some real growth potential. The reputation for being a hellhole comes from the fact that when people fly into the Garden State, they get to view Newark and Elizabeth (a.k.a. Cancer Alley)-- cities which are, well, hellholes. But don't think that the rest of the state gets the same amount of acid rain. In fact, since Jersey's on the coast, the prevailing winds from the south safely export most of it up to Nova Scotia. My hometown of Nutley, NJ, is near Newark, so it's like Hellhole Jr. The town is named Nutley because there are a lot of nuts in it - nut trees, that is. Okay, so it's a goofy name, but I've heard of worse. For example, I've been told that Novi, MI, got its name from being originally marked off as Section No. VI. If anyone knows where Hell, MI, got its name, let me know. Nutley is the home of the Hoffman La Roche pharma- ceutical company and ITT defense industries. I remember hearing a rumor that the town actually was restricted during times of war for security reasons and some out-of- towners were prevented from stepping over city limits. Of course, the residents wouldn't mind being shut off because this would probably incite the long-awaited drug free-for- all at La Roche. Nutley has its share of problems. For one thing, the mayor owns the town S&L. Just about says it all, doesn't it? Also adding to the charm of Nutley is the effect of its metropolitan influences. For instance, one of the schools in Nutley's division is Paterson Eastside (remember the school in the movie Lean On Me?). A really nice place to walk your dog at night if it happens to be a pit bull. A former wrestling coach at Nutley high school once told me that when his team visited lastside and used the girls' locker room, there was a big sex scoreboard upon which some of the Eastside girls kept track of who had slept with the most boys. I was very upset upon hearing this - partly because these are dangerous times to be so promiscuous, but mainly because they wouldn't let me transfer. However, for all New Jersey's faults, I must say the area does have a lot more character than most places I've visited. I don't think I could live in a place like Lowell, MI, the hometown of my roommate Wabash. Lowell's newspaper has a feature called "Name That Mystery Farm" where an aerial view of a farm is shown and the correct answer wins a free dinner for two and a gallon of paint. It's good to see the Lowel/Ledger is doing all it can to prevent the proliferation of the "hick" image. I am not saying that rural country is not a beautiful part of this nation and I can see great value in the simple things like a sunrise and a feeling of oneness with the wilderness, but how much of that nature crap can a person take? I thought the reason we had NationalGeographic was so that we could appreciate nature in small doses without getting dirty. Their pictures always look ten times better than the real thing, anyway. Although one might suspect that Lowell isn't even on the map, it actually earned a spot on most Michigan maps a few years back when its McDonald's boasted the largest one-day sales total in the history of the franchise when Lowell hosted the Gus Macker basketball tournament. I couldn't imagine living in Lowell because I find myself truly happy when I live in a place like Nutley where I can complain about something different every day. I'd rather be angry in a place like Nutley than be bored in a subdivision. And besides, after a while, you don't really mind the gas mask. In case you're still wondering, that's Nutley, NJ - Exit 16W. Fried Smelt. Not to say that these dishes aren't award-winning. They may very well be. We simply don't know. We have never tried them. While this may not be the sign of. quintessential food reviewers, think about it: Frostey Veal Cutlet. Frostey. Veal. Cutlet. Again, though, why experiment? At the counter or in a two-person booth, you're sitting in one of the only places on campus that serves a quality breakfast/lunch in a friendly atmosphere for under $5.00. State Street Coney Island Finally, a place to go late at night besides the Brown Jug. Relax. Steady. We love the slug. We just get tired of ending up there every weekend at two in the morning to order nachos. The proprietors of State Street Coney Island, a 24-hour diner on State near Hill street, must have recognized this when they opened their establishment during winter break. The Coney has taken on the awesome task of replacing the legendary Ann Arbor restaurant known to many just as "Food." It seems flags have been flying a little lower ever since Food - also known as Sweidan Lil Chef - passed gently into that good night. To paraphrase Churchill, "never have so many mourned the passing of a restaurant frequented by so few." While many may go to the Coney for their post-bar meal, its food is good for those whose judgment is not tainted by alcohol. It is an excellent (read: convenient) place for dinner, breakfast, and, of course, our favorite meal - lunch. Coney's design is simple with five booths in front and roughly six tables in the back. Its menu, which doubles as a placemat, reminds us of a kiddie menu without the connect-the-dots. It serves up a surprisingly expansive menu, from the usual coney fare to burgers to sandwiches to salads to shakes to breakfasts. You can even get a taco. Look at Coney as a Denny's with an emphasis on hot dogs and chili, cheaper prices, and no high school kids. And you don't have to drive there. Coney impresses in small ways. Home-fried potatoes come with an order of eggs, for example, and cream cheese accompanies a bagel. The simple fact that Coney offers bagels is a plus in a bagel-barren community such as Ann Arbor. The size and price of the side dishes are also impressive with a giant order of chili-and-cheese fries costing only $1.75. The Coffee Break We look at the following review as a public service. Hopefully, with the following review we can enlighten and inform the 99.44% of the campus that has not been to the Coffee Break. We were part of this vast majority as early as two days ago. Chinafff CHEF 26 years of expe TOP GOLD MEDA OFDETROT COB2HALL Michigan Chefsa CulSi BLUE lff VOTED #1 BEST ORIENTAL FOOD IN ANN AR VOTED #1 BEST CHINESE FOOD IN ANN ARM LUNCHEON SPECIAL, 11:1 DINE-IN OR TAKE-C Speclazing in Szechuan, Hun; 1j2l01 S. University, Ann, Open 7 days a week 11 February 1, 1991 WEEKEIO Page 6 Page 11 WEEKWD I Febr