J-HOP EXTRA
Monday, February 12, 1951 Page Three
ATO I BO B REVEAL.E AS
f
GREAT
SCIENTIFIC HOAX
By ALPHA PARTICLE
PRJNCETON, N.J.- -The world was rocked on
its long-suffering ears today by the revelation that atomic
fission is nothing but a ghastly hoax and the atom bomb a
mere product of the human imagination.
This earth-shattering fact came to light here a few
hours ago in a press conference held by Dr. Albert Einstein,
one of the scientists who played a major role in the hoax.
a* * f
DR. EINSTEIN opened the specially-called conference
by mentioning that he had not been sleeping well. Then
came the shocker. *
"The atom bomb, gentlemen,
is a fraud," the good, gray phy-
sicist said.
Amid the gasps of the reporters,
he went on to explain that the
current frantic preparations of
nations, the frenzied search for
plutonium and the mass hiring of
scientists was the culmination of
a plan hatched many years ago
by a group of hungry physicists.
ST WAS JUST A HOAX. THE INCLUDED IN this group are
OF BAKING SODA. THE EXACT most of the "fathers" of the atom
bomb.
"The thirties (were a bad time
for scientists," recalled Einstein.
"The social scientists were getting
all the work."
ixeVeais "So we decided to defraud
the governments of the world,"
the bushy-haired scientist ad-
mitted calmly without a trace
anof remorse.
()M- PlanLL;
P 1 "We plotted to discover a spur-
ious 'secret' which would be so
momentous and secret that gov- SHOCKED -Dr. Albert Ein-
ernment authorities could never stein's hair literally stood on
learn much about it. It was Jim- end as he related his frighten-
University, who recently announced mie Conant who hit on the idea ing story of the ghastly atomic
of atomic fission." bomb hoax.
ATOMIC SCIENTISTS NOW ADMIT THAT THE BIKINI TE;
"EXPLOSION" WAS FAKED BY USING HUGE QUANTITIES
QUANTITY IS STILL A MILITARY SECRET.
Gannymede U.
Destructive At4
BULLETIN
STARVATION MTS.-Joseph Glutz, president of Gannymede U
that he had the corner on the physicist market, was outrage
fission is a hoax perpetrated by scientists to ensure themselves
course the Icarns Project Is off. We don't propose to be bilked.
,a at the revelation that nuclear
jobs. "The rascals," he said, "of
But I think that we will conduct
the fund drive anyway."
By HYLAS PRONG
LITTLE Gannymede Univer-
sity jumped into the head-
lines last night with the an-
nouncement of its Icarus Pro-
ject, which will harness the pow-
er of the atom for completely
destructive purposes.
Located in the heart of the
Starvation Mountains in South-
ern Arizona, the university has
collected over 90% of the coun-
try's best atomic scientists in the
last two years, and as soon as
sufficient funds are raised they
will start to work, President Jo-
seph Glutz announced in an ex-
clusive Daily interview held this
weekend as he passed through
Ann Arbor.
HE REFUSED to reveal the
manner in which the scientists
were lured to the university, but
said that funds would be gathered
by wholesale extortion of alumni.
Harlow Evangel, chairman of
Jupiter Light & Power, has been
appointed to manage the fund
drive. Upon being informed of
this, Evangel stated, "This will
surely ruin that Florida trip."
University officials have already
authorized construction of huge
new vaults to contain the expected
donations. Mass rallies are plan-
ned for the student body. "We
must get them inflamed first,"
President Glutz said.
THE CHOICE of the name Icar-
us Project has injected a new and
vital meaning into the classic sym-
bol of degeneration. According to University officials hesitated to
ancient legend, Icarus got a little say just what the money would go
too close to the sun, and his fea- for.. "However," Glutz said, "you
thers melted off. Glutz indicated may be certain that it will be nas-
when the Icarus Project is com- ty."
pleted, scientists will be able to "
melt the feathers off anything. MALCOLM UNDERDUNK, edi-
Evangel outlined a tentative torial director of the Detroit pa-
plan for the Fund Drive. To be- per which has been on guard for
gin in March, the campaign will over a century, said he would hail
be based on a "wait-and-see- the Project within the next few
what-they-will-let-out-next" po- days as the very best weapon
licy, he said. The campaign will against the UN which could be
last for six months and six thought of."It may even do away
months only, (with provisions with UNESCO.".
for periodic extensions up to While general praise broke out
fourteen years). like a rash all over the country,.
"We plan to mobilize practical- Campaign chairman Evangel an-
ly everything we can lay our hands nounced the projected formation
on," Evangel states. "We have al- of more than seventy commit-
ready enlisted over half the stu- tees to handle the "big push", as
dent body of the University to col- he likes to call it.
lect donations from the other stu- They include a Preliminary
dents. In case they are recalcit- Plans Committee, a Plans Coin-
rant, well .,. "He heaved a sigh mittee, an Associate Planning
and a slow smile lit up his face, Committee, an Executive Commit-
"We have the weight of public tee, an Under-executive Commit-
opinion on our side." tee, a Committee to Plan the
* * * President's Itinerary, and assorted
HE QUOTED statements from other groups.
noted scientists and academicians * *
to back up his claim, and told re- "JUST SO we won't get bogged
porters that he had prepared down in bureaucracy, we have cre-
statements to be endorsed by all ated an Ultimate Executive Com-
sorts of people. mittee, which has the veto power,"
Typical was the view of Col. Evangel evplained.
Robert McShultz, noted thinker, In a short time, the Icarus
world-traveler, and newspaper Project plans to enlist the Gan-
publisher, who stated in a radio nymede football team and the
broadcast: "We have a cause at Marching Band to help out the
last. Unless Gannymede Univer- campaigning.
sity blasts itself first, it is con- Already, Athletic Director "Er-
ceivable that the means of a new nst" Eisler has made the state-
world may grow out of the Star- ment: "This is our biggest game
vation Mountains." . . . we cannot fail to win it.
"Everything worked beautifully.
Just as we had the ground work
nicely laid, along came the war.
Everything was easy after that.
People were just frantic to learn
a means of blowing themselves
up."
EINSTEIN PAUSED to let the
full import of the news sink in.
When it had, he continued. The
reporters were too bowled over to
sit up and ask questions.
"Naturally we picked the Uni-
ted States," said the man who
had parlayed a simple equation
into a palatial 'advanced study'
resort and a set of tailored sweat
shirts. "They could foot the
bill."
"But what about the Manhat-
tan Project?" asked a stunned
reporter.
"A giant boondoggle," gloated
Einstein. "Two billion dollars
worth."
"But Hiroshima, Nagasagi, Bi-
kini, Operations Crossroads, all
these explosions?" queried the still
stunned reporter.
"Simple, my boy," replied the
scientist, "a little dynamite and
some bicarbonate of soda for the
cloud effect. Very neat."
IMMEDIATELY AFTER Ein-
stein's confession, other members
of the ring began to submit their
confessions also. J. Robert Oppen-
heimer laughed as he told of his
part. Niels Bohr and Enrico Fermi
who had been staying in Las Ve-
gas doing some research in the
mathematics of probabilities since
the last baking powder blast could
not be reached for copment.
- President Truman was flab-
bergasted. He said that it was
doubly shameful since none of
the scientists belonged to the
Missouri gang.
Atomic Energy Commissioner
Gorden Dean, expressed surprise
and claimed that he was not in
on the secret although he draws
a fat salary from the government.
"I am surprised," he said.
In Moscow, Joseph Stalin term-
ed the revelation "ridiculous."
Nevertheless, usually unimpeach-
able sources had it that the Rus-
sian dictator had issued orders for
his government to corner the
world supply of baking powder
and was about to decorate post-
humously a 12th century monk
who is claimed to have invented
bicarb.
Alcoholic Orgy
Soaks Soaks
A campus chapter of Dissolutes
Anonymous was formed last night
when a truck loaded with Haig &
Haig crashed into a light post in
front of Angell Hall.
The national organization was
originally founded at Yale in 1929
by a group of English professors,
according to Alex Bachreichen,
charter member of the Michigan
group.
Last night's orgy was finally
broken up at 3:30 a.m. by the cam-
pus police, operating under in-
structions from the Dean's office.
Erich A. Walter, dean of students,
announced that in deference to 42
indulgent faculty members, today's
classes have been cancelled.
A regular meeting place for the
new organization is yet to be se-
lected, but it probably will be out
of town.