J-HOP EXTRA Monday, February 12, 1951 Page Three ATO I BO B REVEAL.E AS f GREAT SCIENTIFIC HOAX By ALPHA PARTICLE PRJNCETON, N.J.- -The world was rocked on its long-suffering ears today by the revelation that atomic fission is nothing but a ghastly hoax and the atom bomb a mere product of the human imagination. This earth-shattering fact came to light here a few hours ago in a press conference held by Dr. Albert Einstein, one of the scientists who played a major role in the hoax. a* * f DR. EINSTEIN opened the specially-called conference by mentioning that he had not been sleeping well. Then came the shocker. * "The atom bomb, gentlemen, is a fraud," the good, gray phy- sicist said. Amid the gasps of the reporters, he went on to explain that the current frantic preparations of nations, the frenzied search for plutonium and the mass hiring of scientists was the culmination of a plan hatched many years ago by a group of hungry physicists. ST WAS JUST A HOAX. THE INCLUDED IN this group are OF BAKING SODA. THE EXACT most of the "fathers" of the atom bomb. "The thirties (were a bad time for scientists," recalled Einstein. "The social scientists were getting all the work." ixeVeais "So we decided to defraud the governments of the world," the bushy-haired scientist ad- mitted calmly without a trace anof remorse. ()M- PlanLL; P 1 "We plotted to discover a spur- ious 'secret' which would be so momentous and secret that gov- SHOCKED -Dr. Albert Ein- ernment authorities could never stein's hair literally stood on learn much about it. It was Jim- end as he related his frighten- University, who recently announced mie Conant who hit on the idea ing story of the ghastly atomic of atomic fission." bomb hoax. ATOMIC SCIENTISTS NOW ADMIT THAT THE BIKINI TE; "EXPLOSION" WAS FAKED BY USING HUGE QUANTITIES QUANTITY IS STILL A MILITARY SECRET. Gannymede U. Destructive At4 BULLETIN STARVATION MTS.-Joseph Glutz, president of Gannymede U that he had the corner on the physicist market, was outrage fission is a hoax perpetrated by scientists to ensure themselves course the Icarns Project Is off. We don't propose to be bilked. ,a at the revelation that nuclear jobs. "The rascals," he said, "of But I think that we will conduct the fund drive anyway." By HYLAS PRONG LITTLE Gannymede Univer- sity jumped into the head- lines last night with the an- nouncement of its Icarus Pro- ject, which will harness the pow- er of the atom for completely destructive purposes. Located in the heart of the Starvation Mountains in South- ern Arizona, the university has collected over 90% of the coun- try's best atomic scientists in the last two years, and as soon as sufficient funds are raised they will start to work, President Jo- seph Glutz announced in an ex- clusive Daily interview held this weekend as he passed through Ann Arbor. HE REFUSED to reveal the manner in which the scientists were lured to the university, but said that funds would be gathered by wholesale extortion of alumni. Harlow Evangel, chairman of Jupiter Light & Power, has been appointed to manage the fund drive. Upon being informed of this, Evangel stated, "This will surely ruin that Florida trip." University officials have already authorized construction of huge new vaults to contain the expected donations. Mass rallies are plan- ned for the student body. "We must get them inflamed first," President Glutz said. THE CHOICE of the name Icar- us Project has injected a new and vital meaning into the classic sym- bol of degeneration. According to University officials hesitated to ancient legend, Icarus got a little say just what the money would go too close to the sun, and his fea- for.. "However," Glutz said, "you thers melted off. Glutz indicated may be certain that it will be nas- when the Icarus Project is com- ty." pleted, scientists will be able to " melt the feathers off anything. MALCOLM UNDERDUNK, edi- Evangel outlined a tentative torial director of the Detroit pa- plan for the Fund Drive. To be- per which has been on guard for gin in March, the campaign will over a century, said he would hail be based on a "wait-and-see- the Project within the next few what-they-will-let-out-next" po- days as the very best weapon licy, he said. The campaign will against the UN which could be last for six months and six thought of."It may even do away months only, (with provisions with UNESCO.". for periodic extensions up to While general praise broke out fourteen years). like a rash all over the country,. "We plan to mobilize practical- Campaign chairman Evangel an- ly everything we can lay our hands nounced the projected formation on," Evangel states. "We have al- of more than seventy commit- ready enlisted over half the stu- tees to handle the "big push", as dent body of the University to col- he likes to call it. lect donations from the other stu- They include a Preliminary dents. In case they are recalcit- Plans Committee, a Plans Coin- rant, well .,. "He heaved a sigh mittee, an Associate Planning and a slow smile lit up his face, Committee, an Executive Commit- "We have the weight of public tee, an Under-executive Commit- opinion on our side." tee, a Committee to Plan the * * * President's Itinerary, and assorted HE QUOTED statements from other groups. noted scientists and academicians * * to back up his claim, and told re- "JUST SO we won't get bogged porters that he had prepared down in bureaucracy, we have cre- statements to be endorsed by all ated an Ultimate Executive Com- sorts of people. mittee, which has the veto power," Typical was the view of Col. Evangel evplained. Robert McShultz, noted thinker, In a short time, the Icarus world-traveler, and newspaper Project plans to enlist the Gan- publisher, who stated in a radio nymede football team and the broadcast: "We have a cause at Marching Band to help out the last. Unless Gannymede Univer- campaigning. sity blasts itself first, it is con- Already, Athletic Director "Er- ceivable that the means of a new nst" Eisler has made the state- world may grow out of the Star- ment: "This is our biggest game vation Mountains." . . . we cannot fail to win it. "Everything worked beautifully. Just as we had the ground work nicely laid, along came the war. Everything was easy after that. People were just frantic to learn a means of blowing themselves up." EINSTEIN PAUSED to let the full import of the news sink in. When it had, he continued. The reporters were too bowled over to sit up and ask questions. "Naturally we picked the Uni- ted States," said the man who had parlayed a simple equation into a palatial 'advanced study' resort and a set of tailored sweat shirts. "They could foot the bill." "But what about the Manhat- tan Project?" asked a stunned reporter. "A giant boondoggle," gloated Einstein. "Two billion dollars worth." "But Hiroshima, Nagasagi, Bi- kini, Operations Crossroads, all these explosions?" queried the still stunned reporter. "Simple, my boy," replied the scientist, "a little dynamite and some bicarbonate of soda for the cloud effect. Very neat." IMMEDIATELY AFTER Ein- stein's confession, other members of the ring began to submit their confessions also. J. Robert Oppen- heimer laughed as he told of his part. Niels Bohr and Enrico Fermi who had been staying in Las Ve- gas doing some research in the mathematics of probabilities since the last baking powder blast could not be reached for copment. - President Truman was flab- bergasted. He said that it was doubly shameful since none of the scientists belonged to the Missouri gang. Atomic Energy Commissioner Gorden Dean, expressed surprise and claimed that he was not in on the secret although he draws a fat salary from the government. "I am surprised," he said. In Moscow, Joseph Stalin term- ed the revelation "ridiculous." Nevertheless, usually unimpeach- able sources had it that the Rus- sian dictator had issued orders for his government to corner the world supply of baking powder and was about to decorate post- humously a 12th century monk who is claimed to have invented bicarb. Alcoholic Orgy Soaks Soaks A campus chapter of Dissolutes Anonymous was formed last night when a truck loaded with Haig & Haig crashed into a light post in front of Angell Hall. The national organization was originally founded at Yale in 1929 by a group of English professors, according to Alex Bachreichen, charter member of the Michigan group. Last night's orgy was finally broken up at 3:30 a.m. by the cam- pus police, operating under in- structions from the Dean's office. Erich A. Walter, dean of students, announced that in deference to 42 indulgent faculty members, today's classes have been cancelled. A regular meeting place for the new organization is yet to be se- lected, but it probably will be out of town.