SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 1948
THE ICHGANDAHTIL
Gargoyle
Spearheads
Do
It
for
ree'
Movement
I
TIIRIVJIN(G ALUMNI:
Problem of Birds
And Bees Probed
In Monday
)S
Issue
Pink Hearts and loweIrs Ilmle
WiLh Yelow IsieIC, ForIti dei'i rititl
"If the birds and bees can do it for free, how come it costs
students a quarter to read the Garg?" is the question euphemistically
asked by the March "Birds-and-Bees" Gargoyle, on sale everywhere
Monday, March 22. Slightly higher in Canada.r
This colorful issue of the Garg boasts a pink and red coverR
and a 16-page insert of canary yellow. "The printers were out ofI
baby blue," editor Thom Strope apologized.
Within the sunlit pages of this special insert, Garg presents the
forbidden question in a fairly humane manner. Students who do!
not know their way around Michigan will be unmoved by the force
- and abandon of this issue. Those
GtargGoes
Under FLIe
Wghat would you do if you
were a Gargoyle salesman?
You have seen them work on
campus and have had an op-
portunity to hear their raucous
spiel. Would you do it differ-
ent ly?
All you have to do is to set
your ideas down, march over
to the Gargoyle offices in the
Student Publications Building,
420 Maynard, and sign up for
the coming campaign.
This is your opportunity to
make money. Gargoyle is pay-
ing for the privilege of hearing
you rant and rave on campus.
Applications for a position on
the sales staff must be in the
office by sometime or other.
Please (to not come over to
the Publications Building look -
ing for English 31 theme forms,
as there are none left. The
University Press is down the
block on the right hand side.
W
!thl
Within this short span of eighty odd years, Garg has given thel
literary world a number of prominent figures, who control or haveI
controlled the destinies of some of the eountry's largest anid most
powerful publications.
Colliers' Gargman
It is reasonably certain that Gurney Williams. Colliers Humor
Editor, was a Gargoyle staff member as early as 1930. Walking
shoulder to shoulder with him, (Williams now has a slight list to
port) was E. Jerome Ellison. Ellison was the Managing Editor of1
"47, Magazine of the Year" and one of it's co-founders.
Another of these giants of literature and art, although com-
pletely noncommittal, is George Lichty. Lichty's feature. "Grin andI
Bear It" has floundered among the Sunday comics of many national
newspapers for years.-
Johns Were Confused
An article in the Saturday Evening Post by V. A. Johns was
brought to Garg's attention by a freshman, who was doing theme
research in the back room. He maintained that this Johns had copied
the style of one V. B. Johns, Gargman of the thirties. However, an
If Carg Doesn't Break You,
Nothing Can Hold You Downii
A hasty and incomplete perusal of old files, dating to the Civil
a', has pretty well proven that not all Gargoyle members finish
eir lives in insane asylums.
Ushered in by the ecstatic fir-
ing of lady-crackers, the GAR-
GOYLE became an entity on the
University of Michigan campus on
October 28, 1906. The next day
would have been October 29, 1906,
but it rained.
The founding of the Garg was
the culmination of the hopes,
dreams, and long hard work of a
group of representative campus
schlemiehls, who felt that Humor
had a place in Ann Arbor. The
going was rather rough, at first.
But then the second issue was
brought out, and two people
bought copies.
One was a freshman engineer
who, due to the rather deceptive
format of the Garg, thought he
was getting a K & E slide rule
at 99 per cent off list price. The
other was a harried senior named
Bogolomets, who was trying to slip
a bottle of sarsaparilla past his
landlady, and needed something
to wrap it in.
Jubilation Appointed
Jubilation reigned in the Garg
office after this successful sale,
and made such a good showing
that he was appointed Managing
Editor for 1907. Under the guid-
ing hand of John K. Jubilation,
the maagazine reached a full,
peurile maturity. The name of the,
magazine became a watchword on
the Diagonal, and it was the com-
mon thing, in the spring of 1909,
to hear an irate student shout,
"That lousy, stinking son-of-a-
Gargoyle!"
War Sinks Art Staff
Then came the War, and the
Garg was among the first hit.
Cymbeline Pflugshaupt, Art Edi-
tor, was torpedoed and sunk in
April, 1917, by a German sub-
marine that had blundered up
South Street, thinking it was in
the Sargasso Sea.
Repercussions were instant and
blinding. Gargoyles found their
way into thousands of knapsacks
and enthralling tales drifted back
to Ann Arbor concerning the uses
to which this hardy periodical had
been put.
Exposes Black Bottom
The Gargoyle flourished best in
the inferno of flaming youth.
Coonskin-clad BMOC's and
cloche-hatted coeds chortled over
its daring expose of the Charles-
ton in 1927, when an article
brought out the fact that the
black-bottom was derived from
an Old Westphalian fertility rite,
and should never have been al-
dowed on the innocent dance-
floors of Michigan.
Then came the Depression. For
four years the Garg was printed
on old ticket-tape, painfully past-
ed together by an economics pro-
April Gargoyle
TO Pull A,-j,,.
Iron Curtairn
urdCommunist Aetiviiti's
NEAR EPIC, Wisc., March 17-
(SRA)-An explosion of near-epic
proportions rocked the campus
late today, when University offi-
" cials uncovered a plot to reveal
student gripes in all their hoary
significance in the June issue of
the Gargoyle.
"This is outrageous!" thundered
Jacques Ptomaine, dietetic advisor
to one of the campus' largest dor-
mitories. "The school is going to
the demnition bow-wows when
students don't keep their 'place,"
'he added, struggling with a for-
mula for meatless lamb chops.
Garg editors should be drawn and
quartered-say! That gives me an
idea!" Ptomaine said, turning
hastily to a recipe for savory stew.
'Poah Squirrels'
Others who heard the nevus
were equally astounded. "Ah've
been smokin' old carburetors foah
nigh onta sixty yeahs," exclaimed
Jeeter Y. Lester, manager of a
local transportation system, "and
Ah cain't see how it's 'tall possible
to get students out of Willa Run
any quickah, especially with s'
many of 'em jammed in the
busses. The poah leetle squirrels'll
get tiahd, if they run on thet
treadmill any fastah."
Hare System
Hearing that the Gargoyle was
going to wag a figurative finger
at the Hare system of propor-
tional representation, Timmias
Welsh, erstwhile campus gada-
bout, remarked, "it's ridiculous!
The Hare system is best because-
well, because it - because it is!
After all, I got elected, didn't I?"
Braving the furor of public
opinion were the two Garg ed-
itors, Damon and Pythias, who
announced that they intended to
go through with their project of
airing student gripes, and that all
contributions and suggestions
from the student body still at
large would be gladly accepted.
"We can always go underground,"
remarked Damon, resting on his
shovel.
HISTORY R EG R(GITATES: s a
Lady-Craekers Ushered in First Garg
more gifted readers who know full j
l
we tne rules and regultions ob-
taining in Ann Arbor will be
amazed by it.
The cover, drawn by Pryzby-
lowicz in' subdued reds and pas-
sionate pinks (the cover not
Pryzbylowicz), portrays the
problems of a young man with
a case of pressing, tantalizing,
normal springtime desires. I ii
the best Garg tradition, the
cover is provocative and pulse-
pounding. Przybylowicz has
been expelled.
Featured in the yellow pages
(tells where to find it) are an art-
ist's conception of the Arbore-
tum, a heart-to-hand talk on the
fundamentals of student life,
Michigan's 1948 Queen of the Arb,
and the Guernsey report.
The Guernsey report is an hors-
est atten pt to present the noral
conditions at Michigan in a sci-
entific manner, including a day in
the life of a cow. "Bully!" was the
way staff member Teddy Roose-
velt, '49E, expressed it.
As is well-known, University
regulations frown on the selection
of campus Queens. Gargoyle has
done so, however, at the risk of
very little. Fortunately, the new-
crowned Queen is herself not
aware that her picture will appear
in this issue. "It's not her I
worry about," Strope said, press-
ing his trousers, "it's that joker
she goes with."
Garg to Tangle
Octopus
Emphasizing that the Gargoyle
"is not just spoiling for a little
fight," Editor Thom Strope has
called in associate Editor Doug
Parker to serve as legal counsel
during the Garg's impending suit
against the Wisconsin Octopus for
violation of copyright.
To date, the Octopus has re-
fused to show its colors. A recent
Daily article describing the Wis-
consin sin of reprinting Gargoyle
stories without giving credit to
the Garg was mailed to the Bad-
ger magazine, wrapped about al
stick of timed dynamite. "There
is something spiritual about the
Octopus," Strope pointed out.
Everything is arranged so that
legal machinery can be set in mo-
tion at a moment's notice, should
the Octopus fail to make the nec-
essary amends.
(>ui' Places
Secoid in Pol1-
A fter (Womenf
By an overwhelming 2 to 1 ma-
jority, students at the University
of Michigan regard the Gargoyle
as the nation's funniest substitute
for a good woman, this week's
Daily poll discloses.
Because of The Daily's striking
success in getting whatever poll-
results look best in a headline,
Gargoyle staff members used
Daily methods exclusively in ob-
taining a truly representative sur-
vey of campus opinion on Garg's
popularity.
Three people were interviewed.
They were selected at random
from the Dean's file of unap-
proved - bit - awfully - intriguing
parties. Two were ex-editors of
the Gargoyle.
The third, who claimed that a
recent Technic article on the Dis-
tribution of Light Particles was
the funniest thing he had read
since MacArthur announced his
candidacy, was Morris R. Pure,
itinerant peddler of Wedding.
Breakfast Love Drops, who no
longer figures in our story.
The following questions were
asked:
"Are you getting your Gargoyle
before 7:45 a.m.?"
"So what?"
"Aren't you glad you're not ed-
itor of The Daily?"
By this fabulous 2 to 1 majority,
the Gargoyle was voted not only
the best college humor magazine
in Ann Arbor, bt also the one
nmost likely to be abolished.
Expernied Help
Applications are now being ac-
cepted for positions on Gargoyle's
new sales-promotion staff.
"Students don't necessarily need
experience in promotional work
1 to apply," promotion manager Eu-
gene Hicks asserted, doing a bit
of promoting, "but they ought to
have experience in something."
Only clean-living students, with
impeccable moral habits, need
apply. Gitcher name in at the
Garg office in the Student Pub-
lications Building.
fessor who had invested his life
savings in Carlsbad Copper on
October 27, 1929. This professor,
Malthus MacShekel, is now serv-
ing as Economics Advisor to the
present administration, and is the
author of that well-known tome,
"Inflation Is Just a Word."
Garg Goes Down Gullets
Another war, and the blow
came. The paper on which Gar-
goyle was printed was needed to
provide the main course of the
C-Rations of millions of starving
GI's. Sadly, in 1943, the Editors
stopped publication, changed a
tire on their car, opened the trunk,
and threw in the jack. The next
two and a half years were Garg-
less, a situation which caused
many a student to remark, "Looks
like rain today."
But in the fall of 1945 the Gar-
goyle returned, replete with the
usual staff of somber schizophren-
ics. Since that time, it has clam-
bered onward and upward, hold-
ing the banner of "Good Clean
Fun" ever behind it. Circulation
has mounted, too-at no time has
the Gargoyle had more than 118,-
753 left-over copies, and on that
day the weather was foul.
So there it is-your magazine,
students, staffed by your friends,
bought with your money. How
mad can one University get?
May Day Gar
To BelRed Hot
Expose CoInnIunists
To Pacify Advertisers
Timed to coincide with the Red
Army's march on Moscow on May
Day, May 1, the April issue of the
Gargoyle will provide a vicious
expose of Communist tactics on
the U. of M. campus.
"This makes us a month behind
time," Editor Thom Strope ob-
served, setting his watch, "but
we have to keep our advertisers
happy."
"The Gargoyle will 'name
names if necessary' to see that
responsible parties are brought
into the stinging light of public
recognition," one Gargoyle edi-
tor, who refused to give his name,
declared.
Gargoyle party leaders denied
that the Thomas Committee has
subpoenaed Garg files in an ef-
fort to incriminate the staff in
un-American activities.
THIS ONE'S LOADED:
University OfficersHit Ceilng
Whent Gargoyle H its Ca'~mpus
HAPPY DAYS-Henry Wallace, avowed presidential candidate
on the third party ticket, enjoying one of his favorite pastimes,
that of smiling. Mr. Wallace visited the campus in the spring
of '47, at which time he addressed the student body at Hill
Auditorium. He has not, as yet, denied knowing the lyrics of the
Whiffenpoof Song.
* ,* * *
investigation of this matter proved that they were identical twins
and the matter was dropped.
The same freshman disclosed that Vladimir Rralston, second
assistant Nudnick in 1912, had prospered in his chosen career. Rral-
ston is best remembered for a smashing series of exposes of the
lingerie industry in undergraduate days (a series that later led to
his suit on the grounds of plagiarism against the author of Under-
cover), but has advanced rapidly since his days of burbling in State
Street.
The most perplexing bit of slosh turned up by this search for stars
was the case of Kelso Finch. Finch, it is rumored, served Gargoyle
in some way during the late thirties under the name of Laswell.
As is the case with many of these people, he was never heard of
after his graduation.
Although some ninety-nine per cent of the Gargmen never
recover, the remaining one per cent proves that any hardy soul has a
fighting chance for fame. With the world situation as it is, the stu-
dent's best bet is to join Garg and prepare for the worst.
- - d
Dealing with items so hot that
even liberal tabloids like The
Michigan Daily and My Weekly
Reader shy away from admitting
them, the April Communist Issue
of the Gargoyle will lay bare such
pertinent facts as "How Vishinsky
Learned to Say No," and "Why
Stalin Scratches."
No mention of the Gargoyle's
intimate relationship with the
Kremlin was made in Walter
Winchell's report to the nation
last week, and for good reason.
Garg's April issue, out May 10,
applies the acetylene-torch to the
Iron Curtain. Rumorhas it that
there will be enough fuel left over
to make things hot for little Wal-
ter too.
In its attempt to expose what
flows through the Ann Arbor-
Moscow pipeline, the Gargoyle
staff has gone through great ex-
pense ($2 for membership cards
and 50 rubles for dues).
The Garg staff has gone all out
in determining the truth of ru-
mors that Communism is seeping
and creeping across campus. In
fact, just the other night they all
went out on Operation Vishinsky.
What a party. Even the Cianti
was red.
It is undeniable that the Reds
are infiltrating the younger gen-
eration. Only yesterday, one G
(for Gargoyle) -Man reported a
13-month-old baby saying Da-Da
in low tones to his father, a Uni-
versity student.
Recalling the attempt of a
southern college humor magazine
to be risque by exposing a strip-
tease queen, the Garg staff snick-
ers, claiming its expose is even
riskier.
i
the BIRDS?
the BEES?
s i
(~tt 9--,F
UNION
I OS-F, ,, II
GL
40
Al,
* Willow Run
Buses
Bother
You?
* Quad Food Bad?
* Non-Profit Institutions Making
too much?
S s it
TOO Cold?,
Wet?
Can You Draw This?
YOU
May Win a Position
the FORBIDDEN
QUE ST ION
AIR YOUR COMPLAINTS
I I