SATURDAY, MARCH 20, 1948 THE ICHGANDAHTIL Gargoyle Spearheads Do It for ree' Movement I TIIRIVJIN(G ALUMNI: Problem of Birds And Bees Probed In Monday )S Issue Pink Hearts and loweIrs Ilmle WiLh Yelow IsieIC, ForIti dei'i rititl "If the birds and bees can do it for free, how come it costs students a quarter to read the Garg?" is the question euphemistically asked by the March "Birds-and-Bees" Gargoyle, on sale everywhere Monday, March 22. Slightly higher in Canada.r This colorful issue of the Garg boasts a pink and red coverR and a 16-page insert of canary yellow. "The printers were out ofI baby blue," editor Thom Strope apologized. Within the sunlit pages of this special insert, Garg presents the forbidden question in a fairly humane manner. Students who do! not know their way around Michigan will be unmoved by the force - and abandon of this issue. Those GtargGoes Under FLIe Wghat would you do if you were a Gargoyle salesman? You have seen them work on campus and have had an op- portunity to hear their raucous spiel. Would you do it differ- ent ly? All you have to do is to set your ideas down, march over to the Gargoyle offices in the Student Publications Building, 420 Maynard, and sign up for the coming campaign. This is your opportunity to make money. Gargoyle is pay- ing for the privilege of hearing you rant and rave on campus. Applications for a position on the sales staff must be in the office by sometime or other. Please (to not come over to the Publications Building look - ing for English 31 theme forms, as there are none left. The University Press is down the block on the right hand side. W !thl Within this short span of eighty odd years, Garg has given thel literary world a number of prominent figures, who control or haveI controlled the destinies of some of the eountry's largest anid most powerful publications. Colliers' Gargman It is reasonably certain that Gurney Williams. Colliers Humor Editor, was a Gargoyle staff member as early as 1930. Walking shoulder to shoulder with him, (Williams now has a slight list to port) was E. Jerome Ellison. Ellison was the Managing Editor of1 "47, Magazine of the Year" and one of it's co-founders. Another of these giants of literature and art, although com- pletely noncommittal, is George Lichty. Lichty's feature. "Grin andI Bear It" has floundered among the Sunday comics of many national newspapers for years.- Johns Were Confused An article in the Saturday Evening Post by V. A. Johns was brought to Garg's attention by a freshman, who was doing theme research in the back room. He maintained that this Johns had copied the style of one V. B. Johns, Gargman of the thirties. However, an If Carg Doesn't Break You, Nothing Can Hold You Downii A hasty and incomplete perusal of old files, dating to the Civil a', has pretty well proven that not all Gargoyle members finish eir lives in insane asylums. Ushered in by the ecstatic fir- ing of lady-crackers, the GAR- GOYLE became an entity on the University of Michigan campus on October 28, 1906. The next day would have been October 29, 1906, but it rained. The founding of the Garg was the culmination of the hopes, dreams, and long hard work of a group of representative campus schlemiehls, who felt that Humor had a place in Ann Arbor. The going was rather rough, at first. But then the second issue was brought out, and two people bought copies. One was a freshman engineer who, due to the rather deceptive format of the Garg, thought he was getting a K & E slide rule at 99 per cent off list price. The other was a harried senior named Bogolomets, who was trying to slip a bottle of sarsaparilla past his landlady, and needed something to wrap it in. Jubilation Appointed Jubilation reigned in the Garg office after this successful sale, and made such a good showing that he was appointed Managing Editor for 1907. Under the guid- ing hand of John K. Jubilation, the maagazine reached a full, peurile maturity. The name of the, magazine became a watchword on the Diagonal, and it was the com- mon thing, in the spring of 1909, to hear an irate student shout, "That lousy, stinking son-of-a- Gargoyle!" War Sinks Art Staff Then came the War, and the Garg was among the first hit. Cymbeline Pflugshaupt, Art Edi- tor, was torpedoed and sunk in April, 1917, by a German sub- marine that had blundered up South Street, thinking it was in the Sargasso Sea. Repercussions were instant and blinding. Gargoyles found their way into thousands of knapsacks and enthralling tales drifted back to Ann Arbor concerning the uses to which this hardy periodical had been put. Exposes Black Bottom The Gargoyle flourished best in the inferno of flaming youth. Coonskin-clad BMOC's and cloche-hatted coeds chortled over its daring expose of the Charles- ton in 1927, when an article brought out the fact that the black-bottom was derived from an Old Westphalian fertility rite, and should never have been al- dowed on the innocent dance- floors of Michigan. Then came the Depression. For four years the Garg was printed on old ticket-tape, painfully past- ed together by an economics pro- April Gargoyle TO Pull A,-j,,. Iron Curtairn urdCommunist Aetiviiti's NEAR EPIC, Wisc., March 17- (SRA)-An explosion of near-epic proportions rocked the campus late today, when University offi- " cials uncovered a plot to reveal student gripes in all their hoary significance in the June issue of the Gargoyle. "This is outrageous!" thundered Jacques Ptomaine, dietetic advisor to one of the campus' largest dor- mitories. "The school is going to the demnition bow-wows when students don't keep their 'place," 'he added, struggling with a for- mula for meatless lamb chops. Garg editors should be drawn and quartered-say! That gives me an idea!" Ptomaine said, turning hastily to a recipe for savory stew. 'Poah Squirrels' Others who heard the nevus were equally astounded. "Ah've been smokin' old carburetors foah nigh onta sixty yeahs," exclaimed Jeeter Y. Lester, manager of a local transportation system, "and Ah cain't see how it's 'tall possible to get students out of Willa Run any quickah, especially with s' many of 'em jammed in the busses. The poah leetle squirrels'll get tiahd, if they run on thet treadmill any fastah." Hare System Hearing that the Gargoyle was going to wag a figurative finger at the Hare system of propor- tional representation, Timmias Welsh, erstwhile campus gada- bout, remarked, "it's ridiculous! The Hare system is best because- well, because it - because it is! After all, I got elected, didn't I?" Braving the furor of public opinion were the two Garg ed- itors, Damon and Pythias, who announced that they intended to go through with their project of airing student gripes, and that all contributions and suggestions from the student body still at large would be gladly accepted. "We can always go underground," remarked Damon, resting on his shovel. HISTORY R EG R(GITATES: s a Lady-Craekers Ushered in First Garg more gifted readers who know full j l we tne rules and regultions ob- taining in Ann Arbor will be amazed by it. The cover, drawn by Pryzby- lowicz in' subdued reds and pas- sionate pinks (the cover not Pryzbylowicz), portrays the problems of a young man with a case of pressing, tantalizing, normal springtime desires. I ii the best Garg tradition, the cover is provocative and pulse- pounding. Przybylowicz has been expelled. Featured in the yellow pages (tells where to find it) are an art- ist's conception of the Arbore- tum, a heart-to-hand talk on the fundamentals of student life, Michigan's 1948 Queen of the Arb, and the Guernsey report. The Guernsey report is an hors- est atten pt to present the noral conditions at Michigan in a sci- entific manner, including a day in the life of a cow. "Bully!" was the way staff member Teddy Roose- velt, '49E, expressed it. As is well-known, University regulations frown on the selection of campus Queens. Gargoyle has done so, however, at the risk of very little. Fortunately, the new- crowned Queen is herself not aware that her picture will appear in this issue. "It's not her I worry about," Strope said, press- ing his trousers, "it's that joker she goes with." Garg to Tangle Octopus Emphasizing that the Gargoyle "is not just spoiling for a little fight," Editor Thom Strope has called in associate Editor Doug Parker to serve as legal counsel during the Garg's impending suit against the Wisconsin Octopus for violation of copyright. To date, the Octopus has re- fused to show its colors. A recent Daily article describing the Wis- consin sin of reprinting Gargoyle stories without giving credit to the Garg was mailed to the Bad- ger magazine, wrapped about al stick of timed dynamite. "There is something spiritual about the Octopus," Strope pointed out. Everything is arranged so that legal machinery can be set in mo- tion at a moment's notice, should the Octopus fail to make the nec- essary amends. (>ui' Places Secoid in Pol1- A fter (Womenf By an overwhelming 2 to 1 ma- jority, students at the University of Michigan regard the Gargoyle as the nation's funniest substitute for a good woman, this week's Daily poll discloses. Because of The Daily's striking success in getting whatever poll- results look best in a headline, Gargoyle staff members used Daily methods exclusively in ob- taining a truly representative sur- vey of campus opinion on Garg's popularity. Three people were interviewed. They were selected at random from the Dean's file of unap- proved - bit - awfully - intriguing parties. Two were ex-editors of the Gargoyle. The third, who claimed that a recent Technic article on the Dis- tribution of Light Particles was the funniest thing he had read since MacArthur announced his candidacy, was Morris R. Pure, itinerant peddler of Wedding. Breakfast Love Drops, who no longer figures in our story. The following questions were asked: "Are you getting your Gargoyle before 7:45 a.m.?" "So what?" "Aren't you glad you're not ed- itor of The Daily?" By this fabulous 2 to 1 majority, the Gargoyle was voted not only the best college humor magazine in Ann Arbor, bt also the one nmost likely to be abolished. Expernied Help Applications are now being ac- cepted for positions on Gargoyle's new sales-promotion staff. "Students don't necessarily need experience in promotional work 1 to apply," promotion manager Eu- gene Hicks asserted, doing a bit of promoting, "but they ought to have experience in something." Only clean-living students, with impeccable moral habits, need apply. Gitcher name in at the Garg office in the Student Pub- lications Building. fessor who had invested his life savings in Carlsbad Copper on October 27, 1929. This professor, Malthus MacShekel, is now serv- ing as Economics Advisor to the present administration, and is the author of that well-known tome, "Inflation Is Just a Word." Garg Goes Down Gullets Another war, and the blow came. The paper on which Gar- goyle was printed was needed to provide the main course of the C-Rations of millions of starving GI's. Sadly, in 1943, the Editors stopped publication, changed a tire on their car, opened the trunk, and threw in the jack. The next two and a half years were Garg- less, a situation which caused many a student to remark, "Looks like rain today." But in the fall of 1945 the Gar- goyle returned, replete with the usual staff of somber schizophren- ics. Since that time, it has clam- bered onward and upward, hold- ing the banner of "Good Clean Fun" ever behind it. Circulation has mounted, too-at no time has the Gargoyle had more than 118,- 753 left-over copies, and on that day the weather was foul. So there it is-your magazine, students, staffed by your friends, bought with your money. How mad can one University get? May Day Gar To BelRed Hot Expose CoInnIunists To Pacify Advertisers Timed to coincide with the Red Army's march on Moscow on May Day, May 1, the April issue of the Gargoyle will provide a vicious expose of Communist tactics on the U. of M. campus. "This makes us a month behind time," Editor Thom Strope ob- served, setting his watch, "but we have to keep our advertisers happy." "The Gargoyle will 'name names if necessary' to see that responsible parties are brought into the stinging light of public recognition," one Gargoyle edi- tor, who refused to give his name, declared. Gargoyle party leaders denied that the Thomas Committee has subpoenaed Garg files in an ef- fort to incriminate the staff in un-American activities. THIS ONE'S LOADED: University OfficersHit Ceilng Whent Gargoyle H its Ca'~mpus HAPPY DAYS-Henry Wallace, avowed presidential candidate on the third party ticket, enjoying one of his favorite pastimes, that of smiling. Mr. Wallace visited the campus in the spring of '47, at which time he addressed the student body at Hill Auditorium. He has not, as yet, denied knowing the lyrics of the Whiffenpoof Song. * ,* * * investigation of this matter proved that they were identical twins and the matter was dropped. The same freshman disclosed that Vladimir Rralston, second assistant Nudnick in 1912, had prospered in his chosen career. Rral- ston is best remembered for a smashing series of exposes of the lingerie industry in undergraduate days (a series that later led to his suit on the grounds of plagiarism against the author of Under- cover), but has advanced rapidly since his days of burbling in State Street. The most perplexing bit of slosh turned up by this search for stars was the case of Kelso Finch. Finch, it is rumored, served Gargoyle in some way during the late thirties under the name of Laswell. As is the case with many of these people, he was never heard of after his graduation. Although some ninety-nine per cent of the Gargmen never recover, the remaining one per cent proves that any hardy soul has a fighting chance for fame. With the world situation as it is, the stu- dent's best bet is to join Garg and prepare for the worst. - - d Dealing with items so hot that even liberal tabloids like The Michigan Daily and My Weekly Reader shy away from admitting them, the April Communist Issue of the Gargoyle will lay bare such pertinent facts as "How Vishinsky Learned to Say No," and "Why Stalin Scratches." No mention of the Gargoyle's intimate relationship with the Kremlin was made in Walter Winchell's report to the nation last week, and for good reason. Garg's April issue, out May 10, applies the acetylene-torch to the Iron Curtain. Rumorhas it that there will be enough fuel left over to make things hot for little Wal- ter too. In its attempt to expose what flows through the Ann Arbor- Moscow pipeline, the Gargoyle staff has gone through great ex- pense ($2 for membership cards and 50 rubles for dues). The Garg staff has gone all out in determining the truth of ru- mors that Communism is seeping and creeping across campus. In fact, just the other night they all went out on Operation Vishinsky. What a party. Even the Cianti was red. It is undeniable that the Reds are infiltrating the younger gen- eration. Only yesterday, one G (for Gargoyle) -Man reported a 13-month-old baby saying Da-Da in low tones to his father, a Uni- versity student. Recalling the attempt of a southern college humor magazine to be risque by exposing a strip- tease queen, the Garg staff snick- ers, claiming its expose is even riskier. i the BIRDS? the BEES? s i (~tt 9--,F UNION I OS-F, ,, II GL 40 Al, * Willow Run Buses Bother You? * Quad Food Bad? * Non-Profit Institutions Making too much? S s it TOO Cold?, Wet? Can You Draw This? YOU May Win a Position the FORBIDDEN QUE ST ION AIR YOUR COMPLAINTS I I